Saturday, December 31, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
IF someone wanted to launch a surprise nuclear attack against the United States, today would be the perfect time to do it. NORAD, which is responsible for protecting America against just such a threat, is busy tracking Santa Claus!
Of course, I would never EVER do such a thing.... Mainly because all our missiles tend to fall into the ocean three minutes after we launch them. That's still better than how it used to be, though. They used to blow up right on the damn pad and kill all the scientists. What a pain in the ass that always was!!! We'd end up having to send agents into South Korea and kidnap a new batch of scientists.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 9:28 AM
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
I know many people are afraid of me, or think I'm mad, or that I'm some sort of power-crazed maniac hellbent on destroying the world. And, well, yes, I guess I'm all of those things and more. But that doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun!
For example, I once had this cook. Nice guy. He even invited me to his wedding.... Not that he had a choice, though. Anyway, he got pretty wasted on cognac after the nuptials and eventually passed out cold.
When he awoke the next morning, I asked him if he had pubic hair. He seemed a little surprised by the question, but assured me he did. So then I suggested he step into the bathroom just to make sure. Well, needless to say, he did so and discovered that, in fact, his pubic hair was gone!!! Yes, that's right. After he passed out I shaved it all off for him. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
As you can plainly see, I can be quite wacky when I'm not busy killing people.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 12:27 PM
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Saturday, November 26, 2005
I knew that sooner or later all these "new freedoms" my friends in China have been experimenting with would backfire on them, and it's finally happened. There was a massive spill of toxic chemicals in Harbin, a city 600 miles northeast of Beijing.
Local government officials did their best to try to cover up the accident at a local chemical plant. But inconsiderate reporters, disobeying government orders, continued to ask probing questions and--GASP!!!--report on the facts. As a result, local residents are outraged at attempts to cover up the severity of the danger.
This is a perfect example of what can happen when you allow freedom of the press.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 10:19 PM
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I've been busy searching for a successor.
No, no, nothing to worry your pretty little capitalist heads over. I'm perfectly healthy. Still, I would like to eventually retire and travel a bit. For example, I've never been to Vegas, and I would love to see Celine Dione's show at Caesars Palace. But I can't very well do that if I'm busy running the world's most isolated and backwards nation while simultaneously striving to develop a respectable nuclear arsenal.
My father had it easy. I was always ambitious eager to learn the best techniques for thumbing one's nose at world opinion.... Though, quite frankly, Bush has me beat on that.
I have sons, but they are all such a bunch of losers. I haven't even seen my oldest boy, Kim Jong Nam, in years. He's overseas and supposedly being pursued by hitmen. He's 34.
Then there's Kim Jong Chol. Frankly, I have to wonder about his, er, "orientation." He seems a little "funny" to me. I have no solid evidence of this, but I've had my suspicions about him ever since I learned he has a subscription to Playgirl. He claims he just gets them for the articles, but I'm not so sure.
Finally, there's my youngest, Kim Jong Un. We keep him locked in the basement ever since that incident with the gerbils.
Anyway, I really should start grooming someone to take over. I would prefer to keep North Korea in the family, but I'm not sure if that will be possible.
Hmmmm.... Maybe I should start advertising on Monster.com.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 10:10 AM
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Friday, October 21, 2005
I like to think I'm a people person, and I like to think I can get along with pretty much anyone.... Especially if they're willing to sell me plutonium. But if there's one kind of person that really gets under my skin, it's an ungrateful S.O.B. who just don't know how to express proper gratitude.
Case in point: Charles Robert Jenkins is an American soldier who was stationed in South Korea back in 1965. One day he decided, hey, I'm bored, so let's defect to North Korea! And that's exactly what he did!
For 39 years we fed this guy, gave him a place to live, and even provided him with a woman. So what does he do when he finally gets to leave? He turns around and calls his former host an "immense prison that defied all norms."
I'm sorry, but I think that is just plain rude.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 8:15 AM
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Oh great! NOW I find out that the United States' military equipment in South Korea has fallen into disrepair. Many of their tanks, Bradley Fighting Vehicles, and Humvees are suffering from broken down engines, faulty transmissions, and cracked gun turrets. And because all the spare parts are being diverted to Iraq, the arms in Korea have no prospect of being fixed any time soon.
I wish I had known about this sooner. Then I could taken advantage of the situation and reunited with my brothers in the south who are yearning to shed the oppressive yoke of capitalism, give up their silly Ipods, and breath the oppressive air of a dictatorship!
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 6:18 AM
Monday, October 03, 2005
We old line commies are becoming few and far in between. In fact, I'm guessing Cuba's Castro and myself are the last two left (and no, I'm NOT counting the Chinese). For years it has been understood that Fidel's brother Raul would succeed him when the time comes.
Now comes word that the United States already has "plans" to insure a smooth transition to one of those democracy things when Fidel finally does croak.
It's nice of the Americans to go around forcing their system of government on other countries. After all, the transition to democracy and freedom has certainly gone with remarkable smoothness in Iraq, hasn't it?
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 9:19 PM
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
By now most of you have no doubt heard about our pledge to abandon our nuclear weapons program. But before any of you jump to conclusions and accuse me going soft, keep in mind that this isn't the first time we've made such a promise.
We like to do it every few years, and the stupid Americans fall for it every damn time. Besides, I'm starting to feel sorry for Bush. I mean, have you seen how thoroughly he's f*cked up his country? So I thought I've give the poor man some good news for a change.
I may be a maniacal commie tyrant, but at least I'm a compassionate maniacal commie tyrant.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 10:41 AM
Sunday, September 18, 2005
It's an exciting time here in North Korea. We've just introduced our first credit card!! Needless to say, this is something our people have long looked forward to, and it ushers in the dawn of a glorious new day for our nation.
Now if only our people had enough money to actually buy something, then we'd really have it made!
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 11:34 AM
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Scientists have detected a massive explosion some 12 billion light years from Earth. Now I know what many of you are thinking: That I was somehow behind it.
Well, I can't lie to my regular readers. I respect both of you too much.
The truth of the matter is that, well, um, yes, I was. It was my country, er, testing one of our many warheads. As you can see, the test was quite successful to be detectable halfway across the universe!
So you people had better start being nice to us. Some food would be nice.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 9:24 AM
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Yesterday we captured two South Korean fishing trawlers but then released them. Some people may be surprised that we didn't hold the crewmembers longer, accuse them of being capitalist spies, execute them, create an international incident, and bring the world to the brink of a nuclear holocaust that would have killed billions of people.
There was no need for that. We just wanted the fish.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 7:38 AM
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Those stupid Iranians are a bunch of wimps and pussies!!! I am genuinely insulted to be categorized in the same "Axis of Evil" as those losers!
If you haven't heard, there is new evidence that the traces of uranium found in Iran actually came from contaminated equipment that Pakistan sold them a few years ago. If true, this would seem to indicate that the Iranians have been telling the truth all along and are genuinely interested in pursuing nuclear power only as a peaceful power source.
It's people like that that give us rogue nations a bad name.
So let me take this opportunity to assure all of you out there that we here in the Democratic Republic of Korea--or whatever the hell our formal name is--are most certainly NOT interested in the peaceful pursuit of nuclear technology. More importantly, I really am a mentally unstable psychopath hellbent on selling atomic warheads to the highest bidder on eBay.
So are you scared now? Are you crapping your pants out of terror.... Or is that because of some other undiagnosed medical condition? Whatever the reason, it's disgusting, and you should be thoroughly embarrassed.
So give us aid, or we'll build even more bombs to scare you with.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 6:53 AM
Monday, August 22, 2005
Everyone's in a tizzy that we restarted our reactor at Yongbyon. Well, of course we did, and don't you love the way we abuse the hell out of the letter "Y?" It's our favorite letter in the alphabet, of course.... Which is all the more remarkable since our alphabet looks nothing like yours, and contains nothing that looks even remotely like a "y."
But back to the topic at hand: Of course we restarted the reactor. We need the freakin' electricity, for crying out loud! Besides, it gets scary sitting here in the dark at night. And all those secret tunnels we have dug into the South need to be lit 24/7 for when we launch our surprise attack.... Assuming we can ever get any of our 40 year old surplus Soviet tanks running again.
True, we could always pull those graphite rods out of the reactor and turn them into weapons grade material, but we won't as long as you give us some food. A few hundred thousand bushels of wheat will be a nice start....
Plus a pizza for little ol' me.... With extra cheese.... And Sausage and pepperoni.... And mushrooms.... And onions.
I only sleep with paid hookers, so they're not likely to complain about my breath.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 8:48 AM
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Yes, it's true. I did say that my country does NOT have a nuclear weapons program, and that we are willing to agree to inspections to prove it.
But before you panic and erroneously conclude that I have suddenly developed a streak of sanity, don't worry: I'll be changing my mind again before long and go back to saber rattling!
You know the old saying, don't you? "Changing your mind is a despot's prerogative."
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 7:47 PM
Friday, August 12, 2005
Some protestors have taken advantage of the publicity generated by the recent Hiroshima and Nagasaki anniversaries to call for a worldwide ban on nuclear weapons. Personally, I'm all in favor of such a ban.
What? You're surprised?
Well, you shouldn't be. It's kind of like that old bumpersticker: "If nuclear weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have nuclear weapons." And needless to say, I would be one of the outlaws! That's the type of thing that would help our bargaining position when negotiating for donations of food.
Let's see Bush try to push me around once I'm the world's sole remaining superpower!
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 8:14 AM
Monday, August 01, 2005
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
The United States has announced that it will begin producing plutonium 238 for its space program.
Well, that hardly seems fair. Why is it okay for them to do it, but if I do it, half the world is condemning me as an evil man? As for the other half of the world, they would be lining up to buy the plutonium.
A constant stream of threats and insults like that begins to wear on a guy after a while. You think it's easy trying to run an impoverished country, while at the same time trying to maintain one of the largest military forces in the world?
Well, maybe we'll just say we need plutonium for OUR space program. How'd you like those apples?
Whoops, bad choice of words. If an apple ever showed around here, it would touch off massive food riots.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 11:26 AM
Monday, June 27, 2005
Saturday, June 18, 2005
That capitalist running pig-dog Vice President of America, Dick Cheney, had the nerve to call me "one of the world's most irresponsible leaders."
Excuse me? I'm irresponsible!?!?!?
Hey, I'm not the "world leader" who invaded the wrong freakin' country!!!!
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 9:06 PM
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Lately there have been some nasty rumors floating around that I have started wearing platform shoes. The story implies that I am somehow insecure about my height, and am somehow afraid of being ignored when around other world leaders.
What utter nonsense!!
First of all, I am most certainly NOT afraid of being ignored. I have nukes, you know, and world leaders simply do not ignore other world leaders who have nukes.... At least not if they know what's good for them!
Secondly, while it's true that I do appear taller in recent photos, this is not because of my shoes. Not at all. It's simply that I have grown, um, in "stature" since I now have the aforementioned nukes.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 4:36 AM
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
I know people like to say that communism is dead, that Cuba, China, and North Korea will go capitalist once the present leadership dies.
It is capitalism which is dead, or at least in a persistent vegetative state. People don't know it yet, but communism is making a comeback.
How else would you explain the fact that a socialist is about to be elected a United States Senator?
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 12:01 PM
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Amnesty International has declared the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay "the gulag of our time." And for those of you youngsters unfamiliar with the term, gulags were the system of political prisons used by the Soviet Union to house those who didn't realize they were living in a workers' paradise.
And now the United States is accused of running such a place!?!?! HA!!!!!!
Too bad my daddy's old friends Stalin, Khruschev, and Brezhnev are no longer around. They would have gotten a real chuckle out of that!
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 9:48 AM
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
They say it's good for people to have a hobby. Mine is instilling fear in the rest of the world, and I like to think I'm quite good at it. It makes me feel powerful and virile.... Plus it impresses the chicks.
In my latest attempt to scare the holy crap out of everyone, I have announced that I will NOT rule out a preemptive strike if circumstances warrant. And those circumstances would include trying to take a photo of me in my underwear!
Never mind that all our equipment consists of 30 year old rusted out hand me downs from the former Soviet Union. A couple of spritzes from a can of WD-40, and they'll be good to go.
Which brings me to my next point: Can I borrow a can of WD-40?
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 11:40 AM
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
I have heard it said that I'm paranoid. Well, perhaps so. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the whole world's not out to get you!
For example, here's a news report that says the U.S. has begun moving equipment into the Pacific region. This buildup includes more stealth bombers and fighter jets being assigned to Guam, as well as additional Aegis equipped destroyers deployed to the Sea of Japan.
I may not be entirely sure what an "Aegis equipped destroyer" is, but I think it translates into "You better hurry up and build more nukes, Kim."
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 10:45 AM
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Everyone is acting all nervous that I may be getting ready to conduct an underground nuclear test. Oh, settle down!! What's the worst that can happen? We miscalulate the yield of the warhead and split the Earth like a giant walnut? That's absurd! We're extremely careful, and we just don't make stupid, careless mistakes around here!
Whoops, sorry about that. I spilled my bottle of gin all over the keyboard, but I took one of our secret underground tunnels over to Seoul and bought a new one. Oh, and a new keyboard as well.
We will, however, need a volunteer. This upcoming test has hit a snag because we don't actually have any wireless technology in North Korea. Consequently, someone will have to actually stand next to the bomb and push the button.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 1:01 AM
Monday, May 02, 2005
Why is everyone so shocked by the missile we tested yesterday? It's certainly nothing new. We've tested those things before, and it's something I like to do whenever I feel an overwhelming need for attention.
Besides, this was a short range missile. We have some that can reach all the way to Uranus, and you know what that means, don't you?
Don't bend over!
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 6:15 AM
Friday, April 29, 2005
Sunday, April 24, 2005
If there's one thing I really enjoy, it's making the world pee in its pants out of fear. That's why I always enjoy making periodic announcements like this one.
Yes, it's true. We're shutting down our reactor so we can extract the plutonium that has built up in it. Of course, being environmentally conscious, I am a firm believer in recycling. That's why we're not just throwing that stuff in the trash. No sirree. We're going to recycle it.... By making more warheads!
But don't worry: We're only doing this as a purely defensive matter. If you don't actually invade us, you have nothing to fear.... Unless I decide to buy one of those new fangled high definition TV's--with the really thin screen so I can hang it on my wall. Then I would have to raise the cash by selling a couple of the warheads on Ebay.
You're disgusting. Go change into a dry pair of pants.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 5:27 PM
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
Much to my delight, relations between Japan and China are continuing to go downhill. China has refused to reimburse Japan for damage done to its missions and other properties by rampaging mobs last week. Now Japanese lawmakers are planning to visit a shrine that allegedly glorifies their country's militaristic past.
The wonderful thing about this constant bickering between the two is that they're too busy to pressure me to give up my nukes. It's a win-win-win situation for everyone involved! Well, okay, maybe not everyone, but it is a winner for me.
And in the end, that's what counts!
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 6:11 AM
Saturday, April 16, 2005
The latest news out of China is positively giving me goosebumps. There have been a number of very vocal protests in Chinese cities against those capitalist Japs. The problem, as I understand it is that the Japs are seeking a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council. The people of China, however, are not too thrilled at this prospect. The protestors have been chanting catchy little phrses such as "Japanese pigs get out!" as the mobs attack Tokyo's consulates in various Chinese cities, as well as businesses run by those stinkin' Japs.
The original problem stems from a new school textbook the Japanese government has approved for use in its schools. This new book, like so many others used in Japan, glosses over the atrocities committed by that country during WWII. The worst of these was probably the occupation of China and the so-called Rape of Nanking, during which almost 400,000 Chinese civilians were tortured and killed.
For some odd reason, the Chinese still hold a grudge over that little incident.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 10:51 PM
Friday, April 15, 2005
I gave my number two guy the honor of announcing that we are boosting our nuclear deterrent. Some people may be surprised that I didn't make the announcement myself, but don't read too much into that. I am still firmly in control of the country. However, I'm just trying to learn to delegate better to my subordinates. It's something I read about in the bestselling book "The One Minute Despot."
The other great thing about delegating is that when things go wrong, I can always just blame the delegatee and exile him to a uranium mine.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 1:55 AM
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Everyone talks about great the Pope was, and how he visited 129 countries during his time, and how massive the outpouring of affection was for him after he died.
I don't think he was all that great. First of all, he never bothered to visit North Korea. Of course, I never gave him permission, and if he had shown up, we would have put him to work mining uranium without any protective gear. But that hardly sounds like a valid excuse for shunning us....
Besides, just wait till you see the public adoration and throngs of weeping North Koreans when I die! There will be millions upon millions of my citizens openly crying at my passing.
Seriously! It's in my will. Anyone not openly weeping and wailing in despair will be taken out and shot.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 6:46 AM
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
WOW!!! I never realized my hair was so impressive!! You see, North Korea is so poverty stricken that we can't afford mirrors here. But now that I see what I look like, I must say I'm quite the handsome devil!
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 10:22 AM
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
I'm sure that many of you think I'm just a bit paranoid because I'm always claiming that the United States is about invade me. Well, there's an old saying here in North Korea: "You can lead a horse to water and then you butcher him because we have nothing else to eat in this godforsaken place." But there's another, more important saying as well: "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you."
For example, the Americans were recently caught telling dirty, filthy lies about me and the time I spent the night at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Whatever they said, I assure you none of it is true.
Such falsehoods are almost as scurrilous as the one they were spreading about me selling nuclear secrets to Libya. I kept saying that stuff wasn't true, but no one would listen to me! Now it turns out I was telling the truth all along!!! And believe me when I say no one more surprised by that than I was!
It seems that the Americans told other countries here in Asia that I had been selling nuke stuff to Libya. The goal was to further isolate me. Now it turns out that the Americans knew all along that wasn't true. I had actually sold the material to Pakistan, which wasn't that a big a deal since they're already a nuclear power. But then it was the Pakistanis who turned around and sold the material to Libya in violation of international accords.
Some of you may wonder why America would lie about such a thing. Well it's quite simple, really. Pakistan is an ally in that stupid War on Terror thing which is constantly causing Bush to invade the wrong countries. Consequently, it wouldn't be beneficial to the President to criticize one of his allies so he decides, hey, let's frame North Korea for this.
Now someone go fetch my horse. I'm hungry.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 9:54 AM
Monday, March 28, 2005
My Korean brothers in the south are having a bit of a dispute with the Japanese over some islands. No one actually lives on these worthless pieces of rock; it's just that both countries want them.
No, it doesn't make sense to me, either.
Anyway, this may be the perfect opportunity for me to press my plan for reunification with the wayward south. I'll offer to nuke the Japanese unless they drop their claim to the islands, and in exchange, South Korea will stop its riduculous flirtation with capitalism and rejoin us here in the north.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 11:29 AM
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
I am positively giddy with delight over the recent developments between China and Taiwan. As you no doubt already, because I'm sure you all follow current events very closely rather than wasting your time with online computer games, China last week passed a "no secession" law directed against against the renegade province. Under terms of the measure, China will resort to force should the misguided leaders of Taiwan formally declare independence. And the icing on the cake was the Chinese premeir's warning to the United States to stay out of the matter.
In response, there were masssive demonstrations in Taiwan today protesting the mainland's latest threats. It's only a matter of time now until Taiwanese leaders, who were long ago seduced by the dark forces of capitalism, decide to test China's resolve. If and when that happens, war will quickly follow and hundreds of thousands will die.
I get goose bumps just thinking about it!!
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 10:18 PM
Friday, March 04, 2005
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
What does a madman with nukes have to do get people to believe him? Last week we came right out and said we had several nuclear warheads. Now does that sound like the type of thing I would lie about? No, of course not! I might lie about my age, or whether this is my real hair, or the size of my.... Never mind.
The point is that I would never, ever lie about nukes. I have them, period. So why do those imbeciles in South Korea continue to doubt me? I mean, are they deliberately trying to piss me off? Don't they realize I tend to get upset easily, and that I'm right across the border from them? Oh, and that I have nukes!?!?!
Maybe if I were to come down there and shove a 25 kiloton warhead up Minister of Unification Chung Dong-young's butt, people will start to believe me.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 11:19 PM
Friday, February 18, 2005
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Did you miss me? What do you mean what do I mean? I haven't blogged in months! You people forgot all about me, didn't you? Well, you better not do that again, because I have nukes. Lots of 'em. And I'm not afraid to sell them on eBay to the highest bidder!
Yeah, all of a sudden you're ALL sorry you've been ignoring me, aren't you?
I mean, what is the deal with you people? Iran keeps denying it's developing nuclear weapons, but everyone keeps talking about them all the damn time. Then you have me, who freely admits to having several warheads sitting around--already built, assembled, and ready to go boom--and hardly anyone notices until I release another statement reminding the world that I'm still around!! Do you have any idea how frustrating that is!?!?!
Tell you what.... Give me a couple of million bushels of grain, and I'll go away for a few months.... At least until we get hungry again.
Posted by Kim "That's Not a Toupee" Jung il at 10:11 PM