Saturday, February 28, 2004

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and our misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!


Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Anonymous readers (and I can't imagine why they don't want to be publicly associated with me) have recently notified me of two wonderful pieces of news.

First, Parade Magazine--a highly respected weekly news publication often confused with advertising inserts--has once again named me the world's best dictator!!! I was at the top of their list last year, too, even beating out Saddam. Of course, he is no longer on this year's top ten.

What a loser!

And secondly, we North Koreans have been named Americans' least favorite foreign nationality in a recent Gallup poll. What a wild, unexpected coincidence!

I can't stand North Koreans either!!!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Though I have been a long time of HBO's Sex in the City, I was horribly disappointed in the series finale. Quite frankly, I was hoping for a climactic group lesbian sex scene involving Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.

However, I can certainly understand why Carrie left Aleksandr and went back to Mr. Big. Russians have been well known for their tiny penises ever since Mikhail Gorbachev allowed the Soviet Union to collapse on his watch.

We North Koreans, on the other hand, are famous for our "trouser dragons of doom."

And stand back when they start spewing fire!

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Now I know I have a reputation for being somewhat "wacky," or "eccentric," or "a complete and utter loon." The particulars vary depending on who you talk to, but you get the idea. And if it's of any comfort to you, it turns out I'm NOT the craziest person in North Korea!!!

There's a book called The Third World War which lays out a frightening scenario for Armageddon. And it all starts right here with little ol' me!! Now normally such talk would make me feel warm and fuzzy all over, except for one little detail: In the book a General of mine seizes power and accuses moi of appeasement. Missiles are exchanged, Japan gets drawn into the conflict, Pakistan and India blow one another up, and things get REALLY ugly from there.

So I guess the Americans better be careful when they talk about forcing a "regime change" in North Korea: The person who takes over from me might actually be even more of a wacko!

Remember: Not all regime changes will go as smoothly as the one in Iraq.

Friday, February 20, 2004

People sometimes ask me, "Mr. Kim, you are such a busy despot, with many demands on your time. How do you relax?"

Well, whenever I'm feeling I little harried, I like to go hang out at the Demilitarized Zone.

Monday, February 16, 2004

WHOA!!! I am really partied out. In case you missed it, which is an offense punishable by death, today was my 62nd birthday. And my people showed their love and devotion for me by holding parades and ceremonies throughout this glorious land!!! Many people gave me lots of wonderful gifts, including a Sony Play Station, which I plan to hook up just as soon as we get the electricity up and running again.

But my favorite gift came from my top generals, who really know how to suck up to a tyrant: A fresh batch of kidnapped Japanese women!!! I'm so happy I could just burst!!

Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be giving Little Kim a BIG workout, if you catch my drift! I just hope I remember to come up for air this time....

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Happy Valentine's Day!

Did you get the bouquet of nukes I sent you?

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Pakistan's Pervez Musharaff is such a little slut....

All this time I thought he and his chief weapons scientist, Abdul Qadeer Khan, were sharing their nuke secrets with only me, and me alone. Meaning only me. Meaning no one else. Meaning exclusively me.

I honestly thought we had something special between us. Why, I often had them over to my 57 room cottage in Big Long Dong where we would share hookers!! And let me tell you, seeing the President of Pakistan hanging from a chandelier while wearing nothing but a leather thong and fishnet stockings is something I hope I never see again!

Granted, I made them pay their share for the women, but that's only because my country is so impoverished.

So imagine my shock and horror when I learned they were also sharing their secrets with Libya, Iran, and Syria!!! Needless to say, I feel like the sanctity of our relationship has been horribly betrayed!!

If you can't trust a fellow despot, who can you trust?

Friday, February 06, 2004

For some odd reason, a group of Cubans tried to flee Fidel's workers' paradise.... In a 1959 Buick. That's right: They took a 45 year old buick, made it watertight, and took to the sea with it. Needless to say, they were intercepted by a US Coast Guard cutter and will soon be returned to Cuba.

What a bunch of idiots!!!

Any fool will tell you that to outrun a Coast Guard cutter, you need a 1956 Ford Thunderbird.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

The United States has signaled its retreat from Seoul. They of course claim it's part of a "realignment" of forces, but the real reason is that they're scared of me.

I suppose that means I'm free to invade the city. Do they have any Korean restaurants there? I'm sure they must, and I'm eager to try them out. I've never actually had any traditional Korean food, since, well, we're starving to death over here.

But first I need to figure out what to wear.