Friday, January 30, 2004

Apparently the Great Revolution to overthrow the oppressive imperialist west has begun!! I just checked my inbox, and I have 17,543 new emails!!!! And many of them have attachments, probably containing important information on how to build even more nukes!! No doubt they are all from my loyal followers eager to share in the joys of living in absolute poverty while eating raw poultry products because you can't afford fuel to build a fire.

Of course, given my slow connection speeds, it will tke me a while to go through them all.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

If there's one thing I hate, it's crybabies. Well, actually, I hate a LOT of things, but for the moment let's concentrate on my disdain of whining defectors.

Friday, January 23, 2004

A new report says that I will probably have anywhere from four to eight nuclear bombs by the end of the year. Now I know that concerns many of you, because you mistakenly believe I'm nuttier than the Jack Nicholson character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Well.... Yeah, okay, I probably am.

But let me ask you this: Which maniac would you rather have with access to nukes? Me, or Howard Dean?

Monday, January 19, 2004

Bush now says he is willing to sign a non-aggression pact with me. Well, it's about time he surrendered! I shall be merciful.

In return for this agreement, I have to.... Do nothing!! Well, technically I'm supposed to promise to abandon my nuclear arms program, but what the hell! My country has never lived up to its previous agreements, and I'm certainly not one to break our long tradition of breaking promises!!

Saturday, January 17, 2004

In a giant step forward towards the final collapse of capitalism, NBC has announced this is the last season for Frasier. This comes on the heels of news that it is also Friends' final year. They are NBC's most popular shows, and it is virtually impossible that the network will be able to replace them with anything nearly as popular. This means, of course, that NBC will be going out of business this fall.

I mean, what else can they do? Put on another night of Law and Order? Perhaps something like Law and Order: Proletariat Victims Unit would work.

Or maybe another night of that Fear Factor crap. Say, that may not be a bad idea! I can seize UN nuclear weapons inspectors and have them slide down a greased ramp into a tub full of nuclear warheads as they beg for their lives!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Of course, I will have to make sure I'm on the OTHER side of the country while it's being filmed.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

I want my POW back.

We captured this guy fair and square during the war 50 years ago--a war in which we kicked some serious American tuckus, I might add--and now he has illegally escaped. His family--the ones still alive, at any rate--are all happy to have him back.

Well, that's nice. Boo-hoo. I'm deeply touched.

But the fact remains that I never gave him permission to leave, so I want him back.

Look, let me put in this in perspective for you: Do you have any pets? Like a dog or a cat? (We have dogs and cats here, too, but we call them "livestock.") And you love your little pet, don't you? Of course you do!! And if something happened, like maybe Fido wanders out of the house when you're not looking, you'd want him back. wouldn't you? Of course you would!! You wouldn't want him living next door in your neighbor's hut, now would you? No, of course not!!

And why not? Because he's yours!!

Now do you see why I want my little POW back?

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

HAHAHAHA!!!! Here's another sign of the failure of capitalism: Declining sperm counts. It says here that the number of little swimmers produced by the average set of inferior western testicles has declined by one third since 1989!

Now I, on the other hand, have family jewels that are positively bulging with little Mini Me's. It occurs to me that since I have all these nukes lying around just gathering dust, maybe I could use them to balckmail the west into letting me come over and impregnate their desperate women!

Of course, I will have to get a really cool car first....

Monday, January 05, 2004

If Saddam were still footloose, fancy-free, and blogging--instead of in jail playing hide the camel's sausage with with some tatooed guy named Abdul--I'm sure he would have run the below cartoon. And he would have pointed out that it is a perfect metaphor for America's approach to foreign policy, which can best be summed up with the words "We're Americans, and we know what's best for you even if you don't."

Saturday, January 03, 2004

A number of eager groups are making arrangements to tour our impressive nuclear production facilities. Most are scientists, but there's also an American congressional delegation that wants to sneak a peak. Perhaps I should add some rides and start charging admission.

All this attention is getting my personal nuclear missile of love ready for launch, if you catch my drift.