Saturday, August 30, 2003

I must confess that I am finding this democracy stuff very confusing. For example, my chief opponent, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has been criticized for his exploits with group sex!
Well, okay, but why? What does THAT have to do with your ability to govern, balance a budget, imprison those opposed to you, and build nuclear warheads for worldwide distribution to the highest bidder? Quite frankly, there IS no connection that I can see between one's sex life and any other aspect of your abilities as a leader. Besides, it would seem to me that any male able to boink a whole bunch of chicks in rapid succession actually PROVES that he is a worthy man!!
I suspect this whole controversy has something to do with what they call morality, a concept that is totally alien to me. The so-called voters claim that they are disturbed by leaders who perform IMmoral acts, but I suspect that the REAL problem is that they are jealous when the leader gets more babes!
I know that's certainly true in my case. Sure, the other world leaders claim they hate me because of my nukes, but really it's all the chicks streaming in and out of my bed chambers.

----------KAL, Baltimore Sun

Friday, August 29, 2003

Ah, good. I see they got my note!

----------Dana Summer, Orlando Sentinel

Thursday, August 28, 2003

We are all set to formally declare that we have nukes, and to prove it, we're going to conduct a test. That should impress the rest of the world, which continues to call us a starving, poverty stricken nation. That's just a false image put out by the imperialist controlled media of the so-called free world.
HA!! The fact is that our people prefer freezing to death in rags while trying to catch rats for dinner!! Keeps the rodent population down, you know.
Anyway, one drawback to our nukes is that they are all manually controlled. That means that one of our brave scientists will have to sacrifice himself in the name of the revolution and actually push the red button on the side of the warhead. I'm getting ready to ask for volunteers now....
HEY!!! Where'd everyone go?

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

I am looking forward to Earth's close encounter with Mars tonight. It will be the perfect opportunity for us to contact our comrades on that faraway world. Just think: An ENTIRE planet full of communists!!! Oh, yes! You didn't know the Martians were followers of the teachings of Karl Marx!?! Well, that's why it's called the Red Planet, you ninny!!
It doesn't surprise me, however, that you didn't know. The capitalist controlled western media outlets suppress such information.
Anyway, this close encounter between our worlds couldn't have come at a better time. It's been getting kind of lonely for us communists still left down here on Earth.
I shall ask the Martians if they would like to buy some nukes from us. We have plenty, you know. And hopefully they'll be able to spare some wheat or whatever it is they grow up there.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

That truck bomb explosion in Baghdad yesterday was pretty big, but not nearly as big as what a nuclear bomb could do. I should know, because we have several of them. Build 'em ourselves. Pretty good for one of the most impoverished nations on Earth, eh? I even sleep with a nuke under my pillow at night, so you better not try to launch an invasion at night either.
Oh, and after you're done quaking in your boots, send us some fresh drinking water, too.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

So the capitalist pig industrial imperialists had a big bad power outage. Serves them right!! Fortunately that is a problem we here in North Korea will never have, mainly because we don't HAVE electricty!! Well, okay, maybe just a little bit, but only enough for the most important things in life.
Like building nuclear bombs. Lots of 'em.
Oh, and powering my nightlight in my bathroom.
Have you seen that satellite photo comparing the two halves of the Korean peninsula? It's very impressive. Our half, which is the workers' paradise, is mostly dark. The southern half, which has been enslaved by the evil forces of the west, is all lit up! Someday, as the non-existent God is my witness, I shall liberate them from their misery!
In the meantime, could someone please send us a couple hundred thousand metric tons of wheat? We're starving up here.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Great. I expected some celebrities to get on the Arnold Schwarzenegger bandwagon, but Warren Buffett!?!? I must admit I didn't see that one coming. And his opinions are much respected among the poverty stricken oppressed people of the United States. While this may come as a surprise to you, I'm a huge fan of Warren Buffett myself. Even have all his CD's!
In fact, I'm wearing my Parrothead tee-shirt right now!

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

For you skeptics who would dare doubt my chances in California, I would like to point out that I was just reelected as Beloved Leader for Life with 100% of the vote. That's MORE than double the percentage that Bush got!

Thursday, August 07, 2003

I have been following with great interest the events in the California dictator's recall. Quite frankly, I am puzzled. Why doesn't Gray Davis just ship those questioning his rule off to forced labor camps? For the life of me, I will never understand this Democracy crap. Wasn't he already elected for four years? So what if the people are changing their minds!! They should be forced to either live with their decision, or made to serve as targets during military training exercises. I'll bet theyll drop those petitions the moment the first artillery shell explodes three feet away.
At any rate, I have decided to give Democracy a chance. That's why I am hereby announcing my candidacy for governor of California. And before anyone decides to object too loudly, keep in mind that I have missiles that can already reach Los Angeles and San Francisco.
Don't act so surprised. Your President already knows this, but he was too afraid to challenge my far superior military might. That's why he decided to take on that wimp Saddam instead.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

Friday, August 01, 2003

The Americans say that they have intelligence that our nuclear research labs in Wang Bang Bing Bong are trying to design warheads that will fit on our existing missiles.
Now, I must admit to be being curious. Are these the same intelligence sources that did such a fabulous job finding Saddam's weapons of mass destruction? Because if that's the case, I'm off the hook. No one's ever going to believe those guys again!
Well, it's almost dinner time. I'm having dog soup.
Life is good.