Friday, April 29, 2005

Sunday, April 24, 2005

If there's one thing I really enjoy, it's making the world pee in its pants out of fear. That's why I always enjoy making periodic announcements like this one.

Yes, it's true. We're shutting down our reactor so we can extract the plutonium that has built up in it. Of course, being environmentally conscious, I am a firm believer in recycling. That's why we're not just throwing that stuff in the trash. No sirree. We're going to recycle it.... By making more warheads!

But don't worry: We're only doing this as a purely defensive matter. If you don't actually invade us, you have nothing to fear.... Unless I decide to buy one of those new fangled high definition TV's--with the really thin screen so I can hang it on my wall. Then I would have to raise the cash by selling a couple of the warheads on Ebay.

You're disgusting. Go change into a dry pair of pants.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Much to my delight, relations between Japan and China are continuing to go downhill. China has refused to reimburse Japan for damage done to its missions and other properties by rampaging mobs last week. Now Japanese lawmakers are planning to visit a shrine that allegedly glorifies their country's militaristic past.

The wonderful thing about this constant bickering between the two is that they're too busy to pressure me to give up my nukes. It's a win-win-win situation for everyone involved! Well, okay, maybe not everyone, but it is a winner for me.

And in the end, that's what counts!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The latest news out of China is positively giving me goosebumps. There have been a number of very vocal protests in Chinese cities against those capitalist Japs. The problem, as I understand it is that the Japs are seeking a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council. The people of China, however, are not too thrilled at this prospect. The protestors have been chanting catchy little phrses such as "Japanese pigs get out!" as the mobs attack Tokyo's consulates in various Chinese cities, as well as businesses run by those stinkin' Japs.

The original problem stems from a new school textbook the Japanese government has approved for use in its schools. This new book, like so many others used in Japan, glosses over the atrocities committed by that country during WWII. The worst of these was probably the occupation of China and the so-called Rape of Nanking, during which almost 400,000 Chinese civilians were tortured and killed.

For some odd reason, the Chinese still hold a grudge over that little incident.

Friday, April 15, 2005

I gave my number two guy the honor of announcing that we are boosting our nuclear deterrent. Some people may be surprised that I didn't make the announcement myself, but don't read too much into that. I am still firmly in control of the country. However, I'm just trying to learn to delegate better to my subordinates. It's something I read about in the bestselling book "The One Minute Despot."

The other great thing about delegating is that when things go wrong, I can always just blame the delegatee and exile him to a uranium mine.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Everyone talks about great the Pope was, and how he visited 129 countries during his time, and how massive the outpouring of affection was for him after he died.

Big deal.

I don't think he was all that great. First of all, he never bothered to visit North Korea. Of course, I never gave him permission, and if he had shown up, we would have put him to work mining uranium without any protective gear. But that hardly sounds like a valid excuse for shunning us....

Besides, just wait till you see the public adoration and throngs of weeping North Koreans when I die! There will be millions upon millions of my citizens openly crying at my passing.

Seriously! It's in my will. Anyone not openly weeping and wailing in despair will be taken out and shot.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

WOW!!! I never realized my hair was so impressive!! You see, North Korea is so poverty stricken that we can't afford mirrors here. But now that I see what I look like, I must say I'm quite the handsome devil!