I knew that sooner or later all these "new freedoms" my friends in China have been experimenting with would backfire on them, and it's finally happened. There was a massive spill of toxic chemicals in Harbin, a city 600 miles northeast of Beijing.

Local government officials did their best to try to cover up the accident at a local chemical plant. But inconsiderate reporters, disobeying government orders, continued to ask probing questions and--GASP!!!--report on the facts. As a result, local residents are outraged at attempts to cover up the severity of the danger.

This is a perfect example of what can happen when you allow freedom of the press.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I've been busy searching for a successor.

No, no, nothing to worry your pretty little capitalist heads over. I'm perfectly healthy. Still, I would like to eventually retire and travel a bit. For example, I've never been to Vegas, and I would love to see Celine Dione's show at Caesars Palace. But I can't very well do that if I'm busy running the world's most isolated and backwards nation while simultaneously striving to develop a respectable nuclear arsenal.

My father had it easy. I was always ambitious eager to learn the best techniques for thumbing one's nose at world opinion.... Though, quite frankly, Bush has me beat on that.

I have sons, but they are all such a bunch of losers. I haven't even seen my oldest boy, Kim Jong Nam, in years. He's overseas and supposedly being pursued by hitmen. He's 34.

Then there's Kim Jong Chol. Frankly, I have to wonder about his, er, "orientation." He seems a little "funny" to me. I have no solid evidence of this, but I've had my suspicions about him ever since I learned he has a subscription to Playgirl. He claims he just gets them for the articles, but I'm not so sure.

Finally, there's my youngest, Kim Jong Un. We keep him locked in the basement ever since that incident with the gerbils.

Anyway, I really should start grooming someone to take over. I would prefer to keep North Korea in the family, but I'm not sure if that will be possible.

Hmmmm.... Maybe I should start advertising on Monster.com.