Tuesday, December 19, 2006

My lovely peasant of a wife has written her annual Christmas letter. I normally like to keep such things a state secret, but someone at another website has already gotten their pig-like capitalist paws on it, so I may as well run the letter here to make it official.

In the meantime I will try to find out who released this important document to the western media and deal with them in my own way.... Just as soon as I borrow some polonium 210 from my buddy Vladimer Putin.

Dearest Family, Friends and Comrades,

Well, it’s hard to believe that another year has gone by.

Kimmy and I have had another great year. Especially Kimmy. Where should I begin? Let’s start with some of his accomplishments during his free time. In January he composed 32 operas. In February he pulled a nuclear armament train out of a ditch with his teeth and as springtime approached in April, he shot 17 holes in one on his first day out on the links. He would have had 18 but his caddy gave him the wrong club. Let’s just say he won’t be using that guy again (nor will anyone else) HA HA HA.

We had a lovely summer gardening. Kimmy especially enjoyed needling the Bushes throughout the year. We remodeled the palace and added another path from the main house to the swimming pool. Sadly, Kimmy slipped and fell on it. He now calls it the “Evil Access”. He is such a card. For the record, I told him not to wear his flip flops after it rains.

Even though we had time to relax, don’t think Kimmy spent the whole year goofing off. His accomplishments at work included ending all poverty, curing every disease known to man and establishing a utopian state for all his people. He likes to call North Korea the best kept secret in the whole world. In fact, he’s thinking of using that in our next advertising campaign to lure tourists. I suggested “More Bang For Your Buck” but you know how Kimmy is...he usually gets his way.

He just walked in the room so I have to go now. It seems that some of our neighbors have been on the phone complaining about the noise. (KILLJOYS!) By the way, if you’re planning on sending Kimmy any holiday gifts this year, please note that he’s now six foot six and has a swimmers build.



Sunday, July 16, 2006

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Yes, I know I haven't posted in a while. But we've been busy for our so-called "missile test." And yes, we finally launched those little puppies yesterday.

But let me assure the whole world that we mean you no harm. That test launch was merely our contribution to America's Fourth of July festivities.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Those stupid Iranians are such a bunch of wusses!! It's people like them who give outlaw nations a bad name, and make the free world think that a little international pressure can make troublemakers behave in a responsible fashion.

In case you missed it: Last week President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his country was going to pull out of the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, international opinion be damned! But now the Iranians say they are NOT going to do that and will continue to abide by the terms of the agreement.

That kind of talk just makes me sick to my stomach.

Let me reassure you, my loyal socialist commie followers, that you will NEVER see me backing down in the face of international pressure to stop acting like a lunatic.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Sometimes people say to me, "Yo! Kim! You da man! Who you gonna blow up first now dat you gots da bomb?"

Well, I've actually given a lot of thought to that question, and I always give those people the same answer: "You. You have horrible diction. You speak worse English than Bush. How embarrassing is that!?!?!"

My second choice is no contest either: Omar al-Bashir of Sudan. I hate that son of a bitch.

Parade magazine just came out with it's annual list of the world's ten worst dictators, and al-Bashir is number one. Again. Second year in a row! And guess who's number two? Yes, me. Again, for the second year in a row.

Quite frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of him stealing my glory! I work hard to be a ruthless tyrant, and it's a real kick in the teeth to be told that I'm not good enough!

Damn it, I deserve to be number one!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Kim, what do you do to relax when you're not busy oppressing your citizens, flipping the bird at rest of the world, and personally designing nuclear warheads to sell on the international black market?"

Well, I like to travel. For example, I just got back from a trip to China. And while there I also met with some American negotiators. Every now and then I like to give them false hope that we're ready to sit down and negotiate again.

But don't worry: I'll find some reason to cancel the talks again. I always do.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Sometimes people say communism has failed, and to them I say, "Nonsense!! By the way, are you going to finish that sandwich? We're starving over here." More importantly, capitalism run amok can be an ugly thing.