Monday, September 27, 2004

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

People sometimes say to me, "Hey, Kim! Surely you can't play with your nukes seven days a week! What do you do in your spare time?"

Well, actually, yes I can. Still, I have been toying with other weapons of mass disruption (I don't really want to kill people; I just want to f*ck with them). One of my more promising projects is manipulation of the weather. For example, at this very moment a hurricane that I have developed is marching towards the US! Perhaps you've heard of it? His name is Karl.... Karl Marx!

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Now that I have the world's attention, may I please have some food? A couple of million metric tons of wheat would be nice.... And a hot fudge sundae.... With whipped cream.... And a cherry on top.

Oh, and some nuts for the nut would be nice, too!

Actually, that was NOT a nuclear explosion. No, we were just bored and decide to blow up a, um, mountain. Yeah, that's it! A mountain! Deliberately, of course! It's not like we accidentally dropped a missile, thereby setting off a cataclysmic explosion.

Why would we blow up a mountain, you ask. A legitimate question. We, um, are in the process of, um, building a hydro electric damn! Yeah, that's it! A damn! Right on top of a mountain!

What's odd about that? Where do you build your damns?

And some other people are getting worked up over a deep hole we've been digging. They think it may indicate preparations for an underground nuke test, although they haven't seen us laying the cables that normally accompany such things.

Well, let me first say that I think it's pretty damn rude to snapping pictures with your spy satellites. Can't we have just a few moments of privacy? You people are as bad as the paparazzi that continually hound Gwyneth Paltrow and her new baby.

Besides, who needs cables for a nuclear test? Haven't you people heard of WiFi?

Oh, and hurry up with that sundae!

Friday, August 27, 2004

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but we've been busy manufacturing nuclear warheads to sell on eBay. It's no big deal, really. The United States certainly doesn't care. Between Iraq and that election thing they do every few years, Bush isn't paying attention to us. In fact, he just announced plans to withdraw over 12,000 soldiers from South Korea! This is certainly a boost for my plans to reunify the Korean peninsula.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

Sunday, June 20, 2004

I may not be a big believer in democracy, but this guy certainly has my vote.

---------------Scott Adams, Dilbert

Friday, May 14, 2004

Friday, April 30, 2004

There are some VERY nasty rumors going around about me and my hair. Specifically, some imperialist running dogs are suggesting that I am, er, going bald. They point to a recent photo of me hugging the President of China.

Nothing could be further from the truth. That particular phot was just taken from a bad angle. Plus, I just finished a very long train ride and was still somewhat disheveled from the trip. So unless you're prepared to swear that YOUR hair doesn't look funny in the mornings, I would suggest you keep your petty gossip to yourself.

Not only am I as manly and virile as ever, I have nukes! Several of them, in fact. So don't be pissing me off.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Many people seem surprised by our request for outside help in dealing with the recent rail disaster. Well, they shouldn't be. I am big enough to admit that we can't handle it on our own. After all, I must do what is best for my beloved citizens.

Besides, while those United Nations people are off digging through rubble in a fruitless search for survivors, my army will be going through their personal supplies looking for food.

Monday, April 26, 2004

As it turns out, less than 200 people died in that explosion.

Guess that means we'll need even more food sent to us.

Friday, April 23, 2004

I would just like to assure all my supporters throughout the world that while thousands of people may have died, I'm perfectly fine. And really, that's what matters.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I'm in China to blackmail.... Er, I mean "hold talks" with various nations who are seeking to take away my precious little nukes.

I'm also hoping to pick up several million metric tons of food from the Chinese. My only complaint about their food is that no matter how much they give us, an hour later we're starving to death again.

Thursday, April 08, 2004

Anyone with any remaining doubts that capitalism is in its death throes needs to read this article.

I'm sure many of you have heard about how American companies are sending their jobs overseas, where company owners can exploit workers for much less money. And If that's not bad enough, the American workers are being told that they're losing their jobs, then they're being asked to train their replacements!!!

Friday, April 02, 2004

Sometimes a lot can be lost in translation, and misunderstandings may easily result. This is a perfect example of what I mean.

Friday, March 26, 2004

China's foreign minister, Li Zhaoxing, just finished up a meeting with me. He told the world that he came here to discuss "nuclear proliferation," moving towards peace, and stupid crap like that. But he's really just saying that so that China can become a respected member of the international community.

But what he really came here for was the hookers.

We've got the best in Asia.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

South Korea's President Roh has been impeached and removed from office. His subjects are not very happy about this turn of events and are protesting the move.

Such turmoil in my capitalist controlled neighbor is making me excited!! I may have to personally go over there--with a couple of million of my troops, of course--and personally restore order.

Friday, March 12, 2004

My original foray into American politics was, well, less than successful. I'm referring, of course, to my run for Governor of California last year. Quite frankly, once Arnold Whatshisname entered the race, I knew there was no sense in my staying in. After all, I don't want people to think I'm crazy!

However, I can not stand by casually on the sidelines during this far more important Presidential campaign. I, and my fellow America haters throughout the remaining communist world, other oppressed nations, and the greater metropolitan San Francisco/Berkeley areas realize that George W. Bush must be defeated.

That is why I am formally endorsing John Kerry for President. I urge all of you Jane Fonda and Michael Moore wannabes to vote Democratic this fall.

Yes, I stole the above photo from Little Tiny Lies. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you take it up with the United Nations.

And tell 'em to send us another million metric tons of grain--we're starving over here!

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and those misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!


Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais with the sunroofs and air conditioning. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

I am very disappointed in Jean-Bertrand Aristide. Granted, he started off with the backing of the United States, but to his credit, he did fix the Parliamentary elections a few years ago. That's a big plus, in my book.

But when his people started protesting, he just sat there. Why didn't he institute a bloody crackdown? Oh, wait, now I remember: He had disbanded his army!! What a moron!! How can you be a dictator without a frikkin' army to back you up!!

That's exactly why the International Brotherhood of Bloodthirsty Despots (IBBD) rejected his membership application a few months ago.

Still, this revolt he was facing had potential. If Aristide had remained in power, many more people would have died as the rebels fought to capture Port-au-Prince. Of course, Aristide would have ultimately been captured and killed, of course, but at least it would have been fun to watch the battle!

So what's the poor sap doing now? He's in exile, claiming the United States kidnapped him!! What cajones!

I can't help but admire that kind of ingratitude.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and our misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!


Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

Anonymous readers (and I can't imagine why they don't want to be publicly associated with me) have recently notified me of two wonderful pieces of news.

First, Parade Magazine--a highly respected weekly news publication often confused with advertising inserts--has once again named me the world's best dictator!!! I was at the top of their list last year, too, even beating out Saddam. Of course, he is no longer on this year's top ten.

What a loser!

And secondly, we North Koreans have been named Americans' least favorite foreign nationality in a recent Gallup poll. What a wild, unexpected coincidence!

I can't stand North Koreans either!!!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Though I have been a long time of HBO's Sex in the City, I was horribly disappointed in the series finale. Quite frankly, I was hoping for a climactic group lesbian sex scene involving Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.

However, I can certainly understand why Carrie left Aleksandr and went back to Mr. Big. Russians have been well known for their tiny penises ever since Mikhail Gorbachev allowed the Soviet Union to collapse on his watch.

We North Koreans, on the other hand, are famous for our "trouser dragons of doom."

And stand back when they start spewing fire!

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Now I know I have a reputation for being somewhat "wacky," or "eccentric," or "a complete and utter loon." The particulars vary depending on who you talk to, but you get the idea. And if it's of any comfort to you, it turns out I'm NOT the craziest person in North Korea!!!

There's a book called The Third World War which lays out a frightening scenario for Armageddon. And it all starts right here with little ol' me!! Now normally such talk would make me feel warm and fuzzy all over, except for one little detail: In the book a General of mine seizes power and accuses moi of appeasement. Missiles are exchanged, Japan gets drawn into the conflict, Pakistan and India blow one another up, and things get REALLY ugly from there.

So I guess the Americans better be careful when they talk about forcing a "regime change" in North Korea: The person who takes over from me might actually be even more of a wacko!

Remember: Not all regime changes will go as smoothly as the one in Iraq.

Friday, February 20, 2004

People sometimes ask me, "Mr. Kim, you are such a busy despot, with many demands on your time. How do you relax?"

Well, whenever I'm feeling I little harried, I like to go hang out at the Demilitarized Zone.

Monday, February 16, 2004

WHOA!!! I am really partied out. In case you missed it, which is an offense punishable by death, today was my 62nd birthday. And my people showed their love and devotion for me by holding parades and ceremonies throughout this glorious land!!! Many people gave me lots of wonderful gifts, including a Sony Play Station, which I plan to hook up just as soon as we get the electricity up and running again.

But my favorite gift came from my top generals, who really know how to suck up to a tyrant: A fresh batch of kidnapped Japanese women!!! I'm so happy I could just burst!!

Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be giving Little Kim a BIG workout, if you catch my drift! I just hope I remember to come up for air this time....

Sunday, February 15, 2004

Saturday, February 14, 2004

Happy Valentine's Day!

Did you get the bouquet of nukes I sent you?

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Pakistan's Pervez Musharaff is such a little slut....

All this time I thought he and his chief weapons scientist, Abdul Qadeer Khan, were sharing their nuke secrets with only me, and me alone. Meaning only me. Meaning no one else. Meaning exclusively me.

I honestly thought we had something special between us. Why, I often had them over to my 57 room cottage in Big Long Dong where we would share hookers!! And let me tell you, seeing the President of Pakistan hanging from a chandelier while wearing nothing but a leather thong and fishnet stockings is something I hope I never see again!

Granted, I made them pay their share for the women, but that's only because my country is so impoverished.

So imagine my shock and horror when I learned they were also sharing their secrets with Libya, Iran, and Syria!!! Needless to say, I feel like the sanctity of our relationship has been horribly betrayed!!

If you can't trust a fellow despot, who can you trust?

Friday, February 06, 2004

For some odd reason, a group of Cubans tried to flee Fidel's workers' paradise.... In a 1959 Buick. That's right: They took a 45 year old buick, made it watertight, and took to the sea with it. Needless to say, they were intercepted by a US Coast Guard cutter and will soon be returned to Cuba.

What a bunch of idiots!!!

Any fool will tell you that to outrun a Coast Guard cutter, you need a 1956 Ford Thunderbird.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

The United States has signaled its retreat from Seoul. They of course claim it's part of a "realignment" of forces, but the real reason is that they're scared of me.

I suppose that means I'm free to invade the city. Do they have any Korean restaurants there? I'm sure they must, and I'm eager to try them out. I've never actually had any traditional Korean food, since, well, we're starving to death over here.

But first I need to figure out what to wear.

Friday, January 30, 2004

Apparently the Great Revolution to overthrow the oppressive imperialist west has begun!! I just checked my inbox, and I have 17,543 new emails!!!! And many of them have attachments, probably containing important information on how to build even more nukes!! No doubt they are all from my loyal followers eager to share in the joys of living in absolute poverty while eating raw poultry products because you can't afford fuel to build a fire.

Of course, given my slow connection speeds, it will tke me a while to go through them all.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

If there's one thing I hate, it's crybabies. Well, actually, I hate a LOT of things, but for the moment let's concentrate on my disdain of whining defectors.

Friday, January 23, 2004

A new report says that I will probably have anywhere from four to eight nuclear bombs by the end of the year. Now I know that concerns many of you, because you mistakenly believe I'm nuttier than the Jack Nicholson character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Well.... Yeah, okay, I probably am.

But let me ask you this: Which maniac would you rather have with access to nukes? Me, or Howard Dean?

Monday, January 19, 2004

Bush now says he is willing to sign a non-aggression pact with me. Well, it's about time he surrendered! I shall be merciful.

In return for this agreement, I have to.... Do nothing!! Well, technically I'm supposed to promise to abandon my nuclear arms program, but what the hell! My country has never lived up to its previous agreements, and I'm certainly not one to break our long tradition of breaking promises!!

Saturday, January 17, 2004

In a giant step forward towards the final collapse of capitalism, NBC has announced this is the last season for Frasier. This comes on the heels of news that it is also Friends' final year. They are NBC's most popular shows, and it is virtually impossible that the network will be able to replace them with anything nearly as popular. This means, of course, that NBC will be going out of business this fall.

I mean, what else can they do? Put on another night of Law and Order? Perhaps something like Law and Order: Proletariat Victims Unit would work.

Or maybe another night of that Fear Factor crap. Say, that may not be a bad idea! I can seize UN nuclear weapons inspectors and have them slide down a greased ramp into a tub full of nuclear warheads as they beg for their lives!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Of course, I will have to make sure I'm on the OTHER side of the country while it's being filmed.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

I want my POW back.

We captured this guy fair and square during the war 50 years ago--a war in which we kicked some serious American tuckus, I might add--and now he has illegally escaped. His family--the ones still alive, at any rate--are all happy to have him back.

Well, that's nice. Boo-hoo. I'm deeply touched.

But the fact remains that I never gave him permission to leave, so I want him back.

Look, let me put in this in perspective for you: Do you have any pets? Like a dog or a cat? (We have dogs and cats here, too, but we call them "livestock.") And you love your little pet, don't you? Of course you do!! And if something happened, like maybe Fido wanders out of the house when you're not looking, you'd want him back. wouldn't you? Of course you would!! You wouldn't want him living next door in your neighbor's hut, now would you? No, of course not!!

And why not? Because he's yours!!

Now do you see why I want my little POW back?

Saturday, January 10, 2004

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

HAHAHAHA!!!! Here's another sign of the failure of capitalism: Declining sperm counts. It says here that the number of little swimmers produced by the average set of inferior western testicles has declined by one third since 1989!

Now I, on the other hand, have family jewels that are positively bulging with little Mini Me's. It occurs to me that since I have all these nukes lying around just gathering dust, maybe I could use them to balckmail the west into letting me come over and impregnate their desperate women!

Of course, I will have to get a really cool car first....

Monday, January 05, 2004

If Saddam were still footloose, fancy-free, and blogging--instead of in jail playing hide the camel's sausage with with some tatooed guy named Abdul--I'm sure he would have run the below cartoon. And he would have pointed out that it is a perfect metaphor for America's approach to foreign policy, which can best be summed up with the words "We're Americans, and we know what's best for you even if you don't."

Saturday, January 03, 2004

A number of eager groups are making arrangements to tour our impressive nuclear production facilities. Most are scientists, but there's also an American congressional delegation that wants to sneak a peak. Perhaps I should add some rides and start charging admission.

All this attention is getting my personal nuclear missile of love ready for launch, if you catch my drift.