Thursday, January 26, 2006

Sometimes people say to me, "Yo! Kim! You da man! Who you gonna blow up first now dat you gots da bomb?"

Well, I've actually given a lot of thought to that question, and I always give those people the same answer: "You. You have horrible diction. You speak worse English than Bush. How embarrassing is that!?!?!"

My second choice is no contest either: Omar al-Bashir of Sudan. I hate that son of a bitch.

Parade magazine just came out with it's annual list of the world's ten worst dictators, and al-Bashir is number one. Again. Second year in a row! And guess who's number two? Yes, me. Again, for the second year in a row.

Quite frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of him stealing my glory! I work hard to be a ruthless tyrant, and it's a real kick in the teeth to be told that I'm not good enough!

Damn it, I deserve to be number one!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Kim, what do you do to relax when you're not busy oppressing your citizens, flipping the bird at rest of the world, and personally designing nuclear warheads to sell on the international black market?"

Well, I like to travel. For example, I just got back from a trip to China. And while there I also met with some American negotiators. Every now and then I like to give them false hope that we're ready to sit down and negotiate again.

But don't worry: I'll find some reason to cancel the talks again. I always do.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Sometimes people say communism has failed, and to them I say, "Nonsense!! By the way, are you going to finish that sandwich? We're starving over here." More importantly, capitalism run amok can be an ugly thing.