I know people like to say that communism is dead, that Cuba, China, and North Korea will go capitalist once the present leadership dies.

Nonsense.

It is capitalism which is dead, or at least in a persistent vegetative state. People don't know it yet, but communism is making a comeback.

How else would you explain the fact that a socialist is about to be elected a United States Senator?

Amnesty International has declared the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay "the gulag of our time." And for those of you youngsters unfamiliar with the term, gulags were the system of political prisons used by the Soviet Union to house those who didn't realize they were living in a workers' paradise.

And now the United States is accused of running such a place!?!?! HA!!!!!!

Too bad my daddy's old friends Stalin, Khruschev, and Brezhnev are no longer around. They would have gotten a real chuckle out of that!

They say it's good for people to have a hobby. Mine is instilling fear in the rest of the world, and I like to think I'm quite good at it. It makes me feel powerful and virile.... Plus it impresses the chicks.

In my latest attempt to scare the holy crap out of everyone, I have announced that I will NOT rule out a preemptive strike if circumstances warrant. And those circumstances would include trying to take a photo of me in my underwear!

Never mind that all our equipment consists of 30 year old rusted out hand me downs from the former Soviet Union. A couple of spritzes from a can of WD-40, and they'll be good to go.

Which brings me to my next point: Can I borrow a can of WD-40?

I have heard it said that I'm paranoid. Well, perhaps so. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the whole world's not out to get you!

For example, here's a news report that says the U.S. has begun moving equipment into the Pacific region. This buildup includes more stealth bombers and fighter jets being assigned to Guam, as well as additional Aegis equipped destroyers deployed to the Sea of Japan.

I may not be entirely sure what an "Aegis equipped destroyer" is, but I think it translates into "You better hurry up and build more nukes, Kim."

Everyone is acting all nervous that I may be getting ready to conduct an underground nuclear test. Oh, settle down!! What's the worst that can happen? We miscalulate the yield of the warhead and split the Earth like a giant walnut? That's absurd! We're extremely careful, and we just don't make stupid, careless mistakes around here!

GJJh6$$#dfe$56^)>HGJHlkgudiytrog#&9i69p=+=:'/.,6y5#@!_)[**_OPjHg}

Whoops, sorry about that. I spilled my bottle of gin all over the keyboard, but I took one of our secret underground tunnels over to Seoul and bought a new one. Oh, and a new keyboard as well.

We will, however, need a volunteer. This upcoming test has hit a snag because we don't actually have any wireless technology in North Korea. Consequently, someone will have to actually stand next to the bomb and push the button.

Any takers?

Why is everyone so shocked by the missile we tested yesterday? It's certainly nothing new. We've tested those things before, and it's something I like to do whenever I feel an overwhelming need for attention.

Besides, this was a short range missile. We have some that can reach all the way to Uranus, and you know what that means, don't you?

Don't bend over!