Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Yeah, that's right! I called Rumsfeld a psychopath. I'm sorry if that's just a tad too "harsh" for typical international diplomacy, but it's true. Plus, he's illiterate. And besides that, he doesn't know how to read or write!!
Oh, is Rummy offended? Gee, I'm sorry. What's he going to to do about it? Beat me up? Invade my country? Impose sanctions? I doubt it. Unlike that wuss Saddam, I've got nukes. And they're not buried out in the middle of some desert, either! I keep 'em right here in my office. One even doubles as a paperweight!
Granted, the delivery systems may not be worth crap, but I still got nukes.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

What is going on in California?
I had thought the election was scheduled for October 7. And while I haven't made any campaign appearances yet, I was also set to get my hair done so I could start doing so. But now some "court" thing has put the election on hold.
Now, unless I'm mistaken, the people of California, in accordance with the system of government they had established for themselves, had decided to hold this election. Am I right, or am I right?
So why in the name of Karl Marx is a court intervening? This court is not elected, as far as I know. So what business is of theirs?
Obviously, word had gotten out that I was surging in the polls, and this was the only way the capitalist pigs that secretly run most of the world could prevent my ultimate victory.
Between the Florida thing a couple of years ago, and now this California fiasco, it's obvious that democracy is a failed concept.
Guess that means we despots were right all along!!!

Monday, September 15, 2003

Some people seem surprised that I am permitting a South Korean company to build a car factory here in Wam Bam Bong. They think that it some how in violation of our coummunist ideas.
It is merely part of my evil strategy to infiltrate the south and conquer it from within. Our soldiers will hide in the trunks of the cars, and then at a pre-designated time emerge from the trunks!! Is that downright dastardly, or what?
Plus, the President of Hyundai promised me free hookers.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

I may not need to resort to military force after all to achieve reunification of the Korean peninsula. My specially trained squad of 300 crack cheerleaders is doing that on their own. And the best thing about them is that I fathered every last one of them myself!

Monday, September 08, 2003

America has backed off somewhat on its demand that we dismantle our nuclear program. Of course, they claim it's because they want to give us humanitarian aid to help our starving citizens, but that's a lie. There is no starvation in North Korea. We are all very well fed! Our studies have repeatedly shown rat meat, tree bark, and rice to be a heart-healthy diet rich in calcium and fiber, and low in cholesterol. So we have more food than we know what to do with.
I swear!
The real reason the imperialist dogs have backed off their demands is that they are scared of us. And they should be! We have nukes, after all, and are not afraid to give them away To every Tom, Dick, and Osama who wants one! Indeed, we are a great and powerful nation fully capable of taking our rightful place on the world stage.
Say, that sandwich you're eating looks good. Can I have a bite?

Sunday, September 07, 2003

It is becoming increasingly apparent that the capitalist west and its grossly inept and exploitive economic system is on the verge of total, absolute collapse. Even one of the United States most popular singers can no longer afford to fully clothe herself!!