Tuesday, March 29, 2005

I'm sure that many of you think I'm just a bit paranoid because I'm always claiming that the United States is about invade me. Well, there's an old saying here in North Korea: "You can lead a horse to water and then you butcher him because we have nothing else to eat in this godforsaken place." But there's another, more important saying as well: "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you."

For example, the Americans were recently caught telling dirty, filthy lies about me and the time I spent the night at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Whatever they said, I assure you none of it is true.

Such falsehoods are almost as scurrilous as the one they were spreading about me selling nuclear secrets to Libya. I kept saying that stuff wasn't true, but no one would listen to me! Now it turns out I was telling the truth all along!!! And believe me when I say no one more surprised by that than I was!

It seems that the Americans told other countries here in Asia that I had been selling nuke stuff to Libya. The goal was to further isolate me. Now it turns out that the Americans knew all along that wasn't true. I had actually sold the material to Pakistan, which wasn't that a big a deal since they're already a nuclear power. But then it was the Pakistanis who turned around and sold the material to Libya in violation of international accords.

Some of you may wonder why America would lie about such a thing. Well it's quite simple, really. Pakistan is an ally in that stupid War on Terror thing which is constantly causing Bush to invade the wrong countries. Consequently, it wouldn't be beneficial to the President to criticize one of his allies so he decides, hey, let's frame North Korea for this.

Now someone go fetch my horse. I'm hungry.

Monday, March 28, 2005

My Korean brothers in the south are having a bit of a dispute with the Japanese over some islands. No one actually lives on these worthless pieces of rock; it's just that both countries want them.

No, it doesn't make sense to me, either.

Anyway, this may be the perfect opportunity for me to press my plan for reunification with the wayward south. I'll offer to nuke the Japanese unless they drop their claim to the islands, and in exchange, South Korea will stop its riduculous flirtation with capitalism and rejoin us here in the north.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I am posting this cartoon only because I find it mildly amusing. In reality, however, I would never engage in a such a capitalist venture.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I am positively giddy with delight over the recent developments between China and Taiwan. As you no doubt already, because I'm sure you all follow current events very closely rather than wasting your time with online computer games, China last week passed a "no secession" law directed against against the renegade province. Under terms of the measure, China will resort to force should the misguided leaders of Taiwan formally declare independence. And the icing on the cake was the Chinese premeir's warning to the United States to stay out of the matter.

In response, there were masssive demonstrations in Taiwan today protesting the mainland's latest threats. It's only a matter of time now until Taiwanese leaders, who were long ago seduced by the dark forces of capitalism, decide to test China's resolve. If and when that happens, war will quickly follow and hundreds of thousands will die.

I get goose bumps just thinking about it!!

Friday, March 04, 2005