I'm sure that many of you think I'm just a bit paranoid because I'm always claiming that the United States is about invade me. Well, there's an old saying here in North Korea: "You can lead a horse to water and then you butcher him because we have nothing else to eat in this godforsaken place." But there's another, more important saying as well: "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you."

For example, the Americans were recently caught telling dirty, filthy lies about me and the time I spent the night at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Whatever they said, I assure you none of it is true.

Such falsehoods are almost as scurrilous as the one they were spreading about me selling nuclear secrets to Libya. I kept saying that stuff wasn't true, but no one would listen to me! Now it turns out I was telling the truth all along!!! And believe me when I say no one more surprised by that than I was!

It seems that the Americans told other countries here in Asia that I had been selling nuke stuff to Libya. The goal was to further isolate me. Now it turns out that the Americans knew all along that wasn't true. I had actually sold the material to Pakistan, which wasn't that a big a deal since they're already a nuclear power. But then it was the Pakistanis who turned around and sold the material to Libya in violation of international accords.

Some of you may wonder why America would lie about such a thing. Well it's quite simple, really. Pakistan is an ally in that stupid War on Terror thing which is constantly causing Bush to invade the wrong countries. Consequently, it wouldn't be beneficial to the President to criticize one of his allies so he decides, hey, let's frame North Korea for this.

Now someone go fetch my horse. I'm hungry.