Wednesday, December 31, 2003

And that's another problem with capitalism: The rich are always looking to get richer by making the poor poorer.

And that's another reason our system is superior: Our people are already so poor, they can't possibly get any poorer!

Besides, the principle industry of North Korea is wading through rice paddies. And quite frankly, those are not the kind of jobs that are easily exported to other countries.

Friday, December 26, 2003

I love the United States. I really do. I can bad mouth them endlessly, constantly threaten them, continually berate them, and when they get tired of it, you know what they do?

That's right: They send me tons of food.

And there had better not be any of that mad cow beef in there either, because then I might just get pissed off. And I really don't think you want to be pissing me off.... I have nukes, you know.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Once again, that fat pig of a capitalist, Santa Claus, has overlooked me.

I had a fairly simply wish list: A few more nuclear warheads (buying uranium on the international used arms market is quite expensive, especially for a nation that can't feed its own people. So if the opportunity for some freebies presents itself, I usually go for it); blueprints for developing MIRV delivery technology (that's like a quantity discount; several warheads for the price of one missile); and some long range ICBM's that can reach the east coast of the united States. Granted, I already have delivery systems that can reach the west coast, but what would be the point? The people in Berkeley and the rest of northern California are already unamerican communist sympathizers. Threatening them would be like me threatening Cuba!

Oh, and a train set. Preferably HO scale. With those little buildings that light up. And a locomotive that makes actual choo-choo noises.

But things will be different next year. I figure if my existing rockets can already reach parts of the continental US, then they can damn well reach Santa's workshop.

Monday, December 22, 2003

While I am most often addressed as "our dear leader" or "our beloved leader, builder of nuclear warheads for sale on the international black market" by my loyal ctizens, who are sent to work in rice paddies until they die if they DON'T address me as such, I am actually known by a number of other terms of endearment as well.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

I understand that the lure of capitalism can be quite seductive. Perhaps not as much as when Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks throws you a "come hither" look and starts bad mouthing George Bush, but still seductive nonetheless. Yet I would have expected Saddam to resist its lure, if only because of its close association with--what's that word he always used....? Infidels. Right.

Yet I see he has fallen prey to its evil appeal. Now granted, I can see a great athlete or celebrity signing one of those "endorsement deals" for some worthless exploitive consumer good, but Saddam? He's in jail, with no prospect of getting out anytime before the turn of the next millennium, so what does he expect to do with all the money he's making from this ad?

Saturday, December 20, 2003

Many countries are expressing alarm and concern that food aid destined for my impoverished.... er, I mean "wealthy" nation is about to run out and tens of millions may starve to death during the coming winter.

While I appreciate the world's concern, let me put your minds at ease: I and my family have PLENTY of food. But if you want to send us video games, that would be great.

Oh, and some porn would be great, too. I like to give those to my mistrsses. I tell them its "educational material," and to to study the tapes carefully.

Saturday, December 06, 2003

HAHAHAHA!!!!! I bet Saddam's going to be majorly pissed when he finds out about this!
For years he had been trying to buy a missile system from us, and we kept jerking him around, coming up with all kinds of stupid excuses. And the idiot kept saying, "Oh, okay, well, here's some more money." And that money bought me a LOT of hookers!!
What a fool.

No wonder he's the one who got his country invaded instead of me.

Sunday, November 30, 2003

I'm sure some of you capitalist losers continue to believe that your pathetic system is somehow better than my brand of communism. And you would probably just laugh at me when I say that capitalism feeds off the greed of its followers. "Ah, but there's nothing wrong with that," you would no doubt answer between your ignorant guffaws. "That's what we call 'economic incentive.'"
Well, fine, laugh it up. But let me say that your so-called "economic incentives" is nothing more than greed by a fancy name. And it KILLS!!!!
If you doubt me, look at this story. A woman in a Wal-Mart was trampled by a mob trying to buy DVD players that were on sale for $49.95! How cold and heartless is that!?!
That is why our way of life is vastly superior to the greed-driven lifestyle of western societies: Not only can none of our citizens afford DVD players--on sale or not--but they are so ignorant that they don't even KNOW what a DVD player is!!
I rest my case.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Today was the 75th anniversary of that capitalist symbol, Mickey Mouse. How appropriate that a giant, overgrown rodent should come to symbolize a system that feeds off the waste of humanity.
Oh, sure! Mickey started off cute, adorable, and lovable. Many novelties are like that in the beginning, until people realize that there's really nothing there. Despite his early successes--or perhaps because of them--wealth soon began to corrupt Mickey and his small cadre of animated, exploitive friends. Then one day he came home early and discovered that his wife was f*cking Goofy. That's when his existance began to fall apart.
The rodent soon turned to alcohol and prescription drug abuse, and much like a cartoon version of Rush Limbaugh, his life went into a downward spiral.
All in all, a fitting example of the evils of capitalism.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Did he say Marx and Engles? Hmm.... I'll have to be sure to set my TiVO to record that.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

So who's acting?

Sunday, November 09, 2003

I guess I can't get anything past the American intelligence services. Apparently their Central Imperialist Agency has finally figured out that I probably have a nuclear bomb. Well, it's about time! I've been threatening and blathering and issuing threatening remarks for the last year and they're only NOW figuring this out?!?!
On the other hand, why should this surprise me? These are the same people that said Iraq was positively bristling with weapons of mass destruction.

Wednesday, November 05, 2003

The secret is in asking nicely.

Friday, October 31, 2003

Once again, the world is witness to the double standards of the capitalist controlled Bush administration. During the last week, the sun has been rocked by massive explosions. And not just run of the mill teeny tiny dynamite explosions, either. We're talking huge nuclear explosions, more powerful than even all of the Earth's nukes combined could ever produce!!
But does the Bush administration condemn the sun's production of nuclear weapons? Does the Bush administration call on the international community to impose sanctions against the sun? Does the Bush administration run crying to the United Nation to pass some stupid resolution that isn't worth the paper it's printed on?
NO, of course not!!
But if little ol' me were to blow up one of MY nukes, Bush would be all over me like stink on a starving dog being cooked as someone's dinner!
It's just not fair.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

There's an old saying: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're crazy.
Well, okay, maybe sometimes, but not always.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Friday, October 17, 2003

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Dear Beloved Leader, what do you do when you're not threatening the imperialist running dogs of the corrupted capitalist world with instant fiery nuclear annihilation if they dare f*ck with us?" That's actually a very good, insightful question, considering that its coming from uneducated, illiterate rice farmers.
Well, for one thing, I'm a HUGE baseball fan, especially of the Chicago Cubs. I have fervently followed the team with great interest since I was a wee Dear-Leader-In-Training. So you can imagine my disappointment when they lost game 7 to the Florida Marlins. Obiviously, they were pressured to lose, since the governor of Florida just happens to be the brother of the President of the United States.
After I finished lamenting their loss, I felt I had to do something enjoyable to take my mind off the fiasco. After some consideration, I went to the "reeducation facility" in Wing Ding Wong and had all the political prisoners--er, I mean "students"-- gather in the courtyard. Then I personally shot them all one by one.
That always makes me feel better.
However, it is the events of game 6 that I find most troubling. How could that fool capitalist pig of a man, Steve Bartman, try to grab that ball? What in the name of Marx was he thinking? Didn't he realize that reaching out like that he would not only cost my beloved Cubs the game, but likely the entire series, and thereby prolong the curse of the goat? Not to mention pissing me off and bringing the world to the very edge of doom?
What a bonehead.
Anyway, once I am elected governor of California I shall have this "Bartman" kidnapped and brought before me in the new state capital of Berkeley.
That reminds me.... I really should schedule some campaign appearances. When is that election, anyway?

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

As most of you know, I am quite the atheist. In fact, all of us communist leader types are. There is simply no room for religion or concept of some higher being in our (nearly) Utopian societies.
However, I know that the western imperialists are big on that sort of thing. They've even come up with a "Ten Commandments" thing that was supposedly handed down by that god guy of theirs. And chief among those ten items is the "Thou shalt not kill" rule, which if adhered to, makes it damn hard to run a country.
Anyway, those Ten Commandments--and the Thou shalt not kill thing--are supposedly held dear by their religious leaders.
So imagine my surprise when I hear that Pat Robertson, one of their principle religious leaders, is advocating the slaughter of his own countrymen!! Yes, it's true!! He says he would like to use a nuclear bomb to blow up the state department!!
Hey, don't get mad at me. HE'S the one who said it!!
Anyway, if any of you run into Pat, feel free to give him my email address. If he's serious about looking for a nuclear bomb, I do have several available for sale. In fact, I'm getting to clear my inventory to make room for the new 2004 models.
Perhaps the two of us could work out a deal....

Tuesday, October 07, 2003

So when is that California recall election anyway? Next month? I should probably start scheduling some campaign appearances. This week is already booked pretty solid for me, so maybe I'll go to California next week.
Tonight I'm executing political prisoners. Then tomorrow I'm going to my uranium processing center in Dong Hung Lo. Thursday evening I'm volunteering as a candy striper at Our Great Leader Hospital Center. Oh, and then on Friday I have to get my hair done.
That's always an all day affair.

Saturday, October 04, 2003

That's right, we're making even more nukes. You can never have enough of those things, you know. And can you believe the Japs are upset with me, saying I broke some kind of promise? Yeah, like I'm going to pay attention to anything they have to say.
You gotta watch the damn Japs, you know. Otherwise they'll invade you, like they did with us in 1940. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Hey, maybe we'll start renting our nukes out as "Japanese/imperialist repellants."

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

Yeah, that's right! I called Rumsfeld a psychopath. I'm sorry if that's just a tad too "harsh" for typical international diplomacy, but it's true. Plus, he's illiterate. And besides that, he doesn't know how to read or write!!
Oh, is Rummy offended? Gee, I'm sorry. What's he going to to do about it? Beat me up? Invade my country? Impose sanctions? I doubt it. Unlike that wuss Saddam, I've got nukes. And they're not buried out in the middle of some desert, either! I keep 'em right here in my office. One even doubles as a paperweight!
Granted, the delivery systems may not be worth crap, but I still got nukes.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

What is going on in California?
I had thought the election was scheduled for October 7. And while I haven't made any campaign appearances yet, I was also set to get my hair done so I could start doing so. But now some "court" thing has put the election on hold.
Now, unless I'm mistaken, the people of California, in accordance with the system of government they had established for themselves, had decided to hold this election. Am I right, or am I right?
So why in the name of Karl Marx is a court intervening? This court is not elected, as far as I know. So what business is of theirs?
Obviously, word had gotten out that I was surging in the polls, and this was the only way the capitalist pigs that secretly run most of the world could prevent my ultimate victory.
Between the Florida thing a couple of years ago, and now this California fiasco, it's obvious that democracy is a failed concept.
Guess that means we despots were right all along!!!

Monday, September 15, 2003

Some people seem surprised that I am permitting a South Korean company to build a car factory here in Wam Bam Bong. They think that it some how in violation of our coummunist ideas.
It is merely part of my evil strategy to infiltrate the south and conquer it from within. Our soldiers will hide in the trunks of the cars, and then at a pre-designated time emerge from the trunks!! Is that downright dastardly, or what?
Plus, the President of Hyundai promised me free hookers.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

I may not need to resort to military force after all to achieve reunification of the Korean peninsula. My specially trained squad of 300 crack cheerleaders is doing that on their own. And the best thing about them is that I fathered every last one of them myself!

Monday, September 08, 2003

America has backed off somewhat on its demand that we dismantle our nuclear program. Of course, they claim it's because they want to give us humanitarian aid to help our starving citizens, but that's a lie. There is no starvation in North Korea. We are all very well fed! Our studies have repeatedly shown rat meat, tree bark, and rice to be a heart-healthy diet rich in calcium and fiber, and low in cholesterol. So we have more food than we know what to do with.
I swear!
The real reason the imperialist dogs have backed off their demands is that they are scared of us. And they should be! We have nukes, after all, and are not afraid to give them away To every Tom, Dick, and Osama who wants one! Indeed, we are a great and powerful nation fully capable of taking our rightful place on the world stage.
Say, that sandwich you're eating looks good. Can I have a bite?

Sunday, September 07, 2003

It is becoming increasingly apparent that the capitalist west and its grossly inept and exploitive economic system is on the verge of total, absolute collapse. Even one of the United States most popular singers can no longer afford to fully clothe herself!!

Saturday, August 30, 2003

I must confess that I am finding this democracy stuff very confusing. For example, my chief opponent, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has been criticized for his exploits with group sex!
Well, okay, but why? What does THAT have to do with your ability to govern, balance a budget, imprison those opposed to you, and build nuclear warheads for worldwide distribution to the highest bidder? Quite frankly, there IS no connection that I can see between one's sex life and any other aspect of your abilities as a leader. Besides, it would seem to me that any male able to boink a whole bunch of chicks in rapid succession actually PROVES that he is a worthy man!!
I suspect this whole controversy has something to do with what they call morality, a concept that is totally alien to me. The so-called voters claim that they are disturbed by leaders who perform IMmoral acts, but I suspect that the REAL problem is that they are jealous when the leader gets more babes!
I know that's certainly true in my case. Sure, the other world leaders claim they hate me because of my nukes, but really it's all the chicks streaming in and out of my bed chambers.

----------KAL, Baltimore Sun

Friday, August 29, 2003

Ah, good. I see they got my note!

----------Dana Summer, Orlando Sentinel

Thursday, August 28, 2003

We are all set to formally declare that we have nukes, and to prove it, we're going to conduct a test. That should impress the rest of the world, which continues to call us a starving, poverty stricken nation. That's just a false image put out by the imperialist controlled media of the so-called free world.
HA!! The fact is that our people prefer freezing to death in rags while trying to catch rats for dinner!! Keeps the rodent population down, you know.
Anyway, one drawback to our nukes is that they are all manually controlled. That means that one of our brave scientists will have to sacrifice himself in the name of the revolution and actually push the red button on the side of the warhead. I'm getting ready to ask for volunteers now....
HEY!!! Where'd everyone go?

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

I am looking forward to Earth's close encounter with Mars tonight. It will be the perfect opportunity for us to contact our comrades on that faraway world. Just think: An ENTIRE planet full of communists!!! Oh, yes! You didn't know the Martians were followers of the teachings of Karl Marx!?! Well, that's why it's called the Red Planet, you ninny!!
It doesn't surprise me, however, that you didn't know. The capitalist controlled western media outlets suppress such information.
Anyway, this close encounter between our worlds couldn't have come at a better time. It's been getting kind of lonely for us communists still left down here on Earth.
I shall ask the Martians if they would like to buy some nukes from us. We have plenty, you know. And hopefully they'll be able to spare some wheat or whatever it is they grow up there.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

That truck bomb explosion in Baghdad yesterday was pretty big, but not nearly as big as what a nuclear bomb could do. I should know, because we have several of them. Build 'em ourselves. Pretty good for one of the most impoverished nations on Earth, eh? I even sleep with a nuke under my pillow at night, so you better not try to launch an invasion at night either.
Oh, and after you're done quaking in your boots, send us some fresh drinking water, too.

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

So the capitalist pig industrial imperialists had a big bad power outage. Serves them right!! Fortunately that is a problem we here in North Korea will never have, mainly because we don't HAVE electricty!! Well, okay, maybe just a little bit, but only enough for the most important things in life.
Like building nuclear bombs. Lots of 'em.
Oh, and powering my nightlight in my bathroom.
Have you seen that satellite photo comparing the two halves of the Korean peninsula? It's very impressive. Our half, which is the workers' paradise, is mostly dark. The southern half, which has been enslaved by the evil forces of the west, is all lit up! Someday, as the non-existent God is my witness, I shall liberate them from their misery!
In the meantime, could someone please send us a couple hundred thousand metric tons of wheat? We're starving up here.

Friday, August 15, 2003

Great. I expected some celebrities to get on the Arnold Schwarzenegger bandwagon, but Warren Buffett!?!? I must admit I didn't see that one coming. And his opinions are much respected among the poverty stricken oppressed people of the United States. While this may come as a surprise to you, I'm a huge fan of Warren Buffett myself. Even have all his CD's!
In fact, I'm wearing my Parrothead tee-shirt right now!

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

For you skeptics who would dare doubt my chances in California, I would like to point out that I was just reelected as Beloved Leader for Life with 100% of the vote. That's MORE than double the percentage that Bush got!

Thursday, August 07, 2003

I have been following with great interest the events in the California dictator's recall. Quite frankly, I am puzzled. Why doesn't Gray Davis just ship those questioning his rule off to forced labor camps? For the life of me, I will never understand this Democracy crap. Wasn't he already elected for four years? So what if the people are changing their minds!! They should be forced to either live with their decision, or made to serve as targets during military training exercises. I'll bet theyll drop those petitions the moment the first artillery shell explodes three feet away.
At any rate, I have decided to give Democracy a chance. That's why I am hereby announcing my candidacy for governor of California. And before anyone decides to object too loudly, keep in mind that I have missiles that can already reach Los Angeles and San Francisco.
Don't act so surprised. Your President already knows this, but he was too afraid to challenge my far superior military might. That's why he decided to take on that wimp Saddam instead.

Saturday, August 02, 2003

Friday, August 01, 2003

The Americans say that they have intelligence that our nuclear research labs in Wang Bang Bing Bong are trying to design warheads that will fit on our existing missiles.
Now, I must admit to be being curious. Are these the same intelligence sources that did such a fabulous job finding Saddam's weapons of mass destruction? Because if that's the case, I'm off the hook. No one's ever going to believe those guys again!
Well, it's almost dinner time. I'm having dog soup.
Life is good.