Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Yesterday we captured two South Korean fishing trawlers but then released them. Some people may be surprised that we didn't hold the crewmembers longer, accuse them of being capitalist spies, execute them, create an international incident, and bring the world to the brink of a nuclear holocaust that would have killed billions of people.

There was no need for that. We just wanted the fish.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Those stupid Iranians are a bunch of wimps and pussies!!! I am genuinely insulted to be categorized in the same "Axis of Evil" as those losers!

If you haven't heard, there is new evidence that the traces of uranium found in Iran actually came from contaminated equipment that Pakistan sold them a few years ago. If true, this would seem to indicate that the Iranians have been telling the truth all along and are genuinely interested in pursuing nuclear power only as a peaceful power source.

It's people like that that give us rogue nations a bad name.

So let me take this opportunity to assure all of you out there that we here in the Democratic Republic of Korea--or whatever the hell our formal name is--are most certainly NOT interested in the peaceful pursuit of nuclear technology. More importantly, I really am a mentally unstable psychopath hellbent on selling atomic warheads to the highest bidder on eBay.

So are you scared now? Are you crapping your pants out of terror.... Or is that because of some other undiagnosed medical condition? Whatever the reason, it's disgusting, and you should be thoroughly embarrassed.

So give us aid, or we'll build even more bombs to scare you with.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Everyone's in a tizzy that we restarted our reactor at Yongbyon. Well, of course we did, and don't you love the way we abuse the hell out of the letter "Y?" It's our favorite letter in the alphabet, of course.... Which is all the more remarkable since our alphabet looks nothing like yours, and contains nothing that looks even remotely like a "y."

But back to the topic at hand: Of course we restarted the reactor. We need the freakin' electricity, for crying out loud! Besides, it gets scary sitting here in the dark at night. And all those secret tunnels we have dug into the South need to be lit 24/7 for when we launch our surprise attack.... Assuming we can ever get any of our 40 year old surplus Soviet tanks running again.

True, we could always pull those graphite rods out of the reactor and turn them into weapons grade material, but we won't as long as you give us some food. A few hundred thousand bushels of wheat will be a nice start....

Plus a pizza for little ol' me.... With extra cheese.... And Sausage and pepperoni.... And mushrooms.... And onions.

I only sleep with paid hookers, so they're not likely to complain about my breath.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Yes, it's true. I did say that my country does NOT have a nuclear weapons program, and that we are willing to agree to inspections to prove it.

But before you panic and erroneously conclude that I have suddenly developed a streak of sanity, don't worry: I'll be changing my mind again before long and go back to saber rattling!

You know the old saying, don't you? "Changing your mind is a despot's prerogative."

Friday, August 12, 2005

Some protestors have taken advantage of the publicity generated by the recent Hiroshima and Nagasaki anniversaries to call for a worldwide ban on nuclear weapons. Personally, I'm all in favor of such a ban.

What? You're surprised?

Well, you shouldn't be. It's kind of like that old bumpersticker: "If nuclear weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have nuclear weapons." And needless to say, I would be one of the outlaws! That's the type of thing that would help our bargaining position when negotiating for donations of food.

Let's see Bush try to push me around once I'm the world's sole remaining superpower!

Monday, August 01, 2005