IF someone wanted to launch a surprise nuclear attack against the United States, today would be the perfect time to do it. NORAD, which is responsible for protecting America against just such a threat, is busy tracking Santa Claus!

Of course, I would never EVER do such a thing.... Mainly because all our missiles tend to fall into the ocean three minutes after we launch them. That's still better than how it used to be, though. They used to blow up right on the damn pad and kill all the scientists. What a pain in the ass that always was!!! We'd end up having to send agents into South Korea and kidnap a new batch of scientists.