My lovely peasant of a wife has written her annual Christmas letter. I normally like to keep such things a state secret, but someone at another website has already gotten their pig-like capitalist paws on it, so I may as well run the letter here to make it official.

In the meantime I will try to find out who released this important document to the western media and deal with them in my own way.... Just as soon as I borrow some polonium 210 from my buddy Vladimer Putin.

Dearest Family, Friends and Comrades,

Well, it’s hard to believe that another year has gone by.

Kimmy and I have had another great year. Especially Kimmy. Where should I begin? Let’s start with some of his accomplishments during his free time. In January he composed 32 operas. In February he pulled a nuclear armament train out of a ditch with his teeth and as springtime approached in April, he shot 17 holes in one on his first day out on the links. He would have had 18 but his caddy gave him the wrong club. Let’s just say he won’t be using that guy again (nor will anyone else) HA HA HA.

We had a lovely summer gardening. Kimmy especially enjoyed needling the Bushes throughout the year. We remodeled the palace and added another path from the main house to the swimming pool. Sadly, Kimmy slipped and fell on it. He now calls it the “Evil Access”. He is such a card. For the record, I told him not to wear his flip flops after it rains.

Even though we had time to relax, don’t think Kimmy spent the whole year goofing off. His accomplishments at work included ending all poverty, curing every disease known to man and establishing a utopian state for all his people. He likes to call North Korea the best kept secret in the whole world. In fact, he’s thinking of using that in our next advertising campaign to lure tourists. I suggested “More Bang For Your Buck” but you know how Kimmy is...he usually gets his way.

He just walked in the room so I have to go now. It seems that some of our neighbors have been on the phone complaining about the noise. (KILLJOYS!) By the way, if you’re planning on sending Kimmy any holiday gifts this year, please note that he’s now six foot six and has a swimmers build.

Cheers,


NAME REDACTED

Yes, I know I haven't posted in a while. But we've been busy for our so-called "missile test." And yes, we finally launched those little puppies yesterday.

But let me assure the whole world that we mean you no harm. That test launch was merely our contribution to America's Fourth of July festivities.

Those stupid Iranians are such a bunch of wusses!! It's people like them who give outlaw nations a bad name, and make the free world think that a little international pressure can make troublemakers behave in a responsible fashion.

In case you missed it: Last week President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his country was going to pull out of the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, international opinion be damned! But now the Iranians say they are NOT going to do that and will continue to abide by the terms of the agreement.

That kind of talk just makes me sick to my stomach.

Let me reassure you, my loyal socialist commie followers, that you will NEVER see me backing down in the face of international pressure to stop acting like a lunatic.

Sometimes people say to me, "Yo! Kim! You da man! Who you gonna blow up first now dat you gots da bomb?"

Well, I've actually given a lot of thought to that question, and I always give those people the same answer: "You. You have horrible diction. You speak worse English than Bush. How embarrassing is that!?!?!"

My second choice is no contest either: Omar al-Bashir of Sudan. I hate that son of a bitch.

Parade magazine just came out with it's annual list of the world's ten worst dictators, and al-Bashir is number one. Again. Second year in a row! And guess who's number two? Yes, me. Again, for the second year in a row.

Quite frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of him stealing my glory! I work hard to be a ruthless tyrant, and it's a real kick in the teeth to be told that I'm not good enough!

Damn it, I deserve to be number one!

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Kim, what do you do to relax when you're not busy oppressing your citizens, flipping the bird at rest of the world, and personally designing nuclear warheads to sell on the international black market?"

Well, I like to travel. For example, I just got back from a trip to China. And while there I also met with some American negotiators. Every now and then I like to give them false hope that we're ready to sit down and negotiate again.

But don't worry: I'll find some reason to cancel the talks again. I always do.

Sometimes people say communism has failed, and to them I say, "Nonsense!! By the way, are you going to finish that sandwich? We're starving over here." More importantly, capitalism run amok can be an ugly thing.

IF someone wanted to launch a surprise nuclear attack against the United States, today would be the perfect time to do it. NORAD, which is responsible for protecting America against just such a threat, is busy tracking Santa Claus!

Of course, I would never EVER do such a thing.... Mainly because all our missiles tend to fall into the ocean three minutes after we launch them. That's still better than how it used to be, though. They used to blow up right on the damn pad and kill all the scientists. What a pain in the ass that always was!!! We'd end up having to send agents into South Korea and kidnap a new batch of scientists.

I know many people are afraid of me, or think I'm mad, or that I'm some sort of power-crazed maniac hellbent on destroying the world. And, well, yes, I guess I'm all of those things and more. But that doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun!

For example, I once had this cook. Nice guy. He even invited me to his wedding.... Not that he had a choice, though. Anyway, he got pretty wasted on cognac after the nuptials and eventually passed out cold.

When he awoke the next morning, I asked him if he had pubic hair. He seemed a little surprised by the question, but assured me he did. So then I suggested he step into the bathroom just to make sure. Well, needless to say, he did so and discovered that, in fact, his pubic hair was gone!!! Yes, that's right. After he passed out I shaved it all off for him. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

As you can plainly see, I can be quite wacky when I'm not busy killing people.

I knew that sooner or later all these "new freedoms" my friends in China have been experimenting with would backfire on them, and it's finally happened. There was a massive spill of toxic chemicals in Harbin, a city 600 miles northeast of Beijing.

Local government officials did their best to try to cover up the accident at a local chemical plant. But inconsiderate reporters, disobeying government orders, continued to ask probing questions and--GASP!!!--report on the facts. As a result, local residents are outraged at attempts to cover up the severity of the danger.

This is a perfect example of what can happen when you allow freedom of the press.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I've been busy searching for a successor.

No, no, nothing to worry your pretty little capitalist heads over. I'm perfectly healthy. Still, I would like to eventually retire and travel a bit. For example, I've never been to Vegas, and I would love to see Celine Dione's show at Caesars Palace. But I can't very well do that if I'm busy running the world's most isolated and backwards nation while simultaneously striving to develop a respectable nuclear arsenal.

My father had it easy. I was always ambitious eager to learn the best techniques for thumbing one's nose at world opinion.... Though, quite frankly, Bush has me beat on that.

I have sons, but they are all such a bunch of losers. I haven't even seen my oldest boy, Kim Jong Nam, in years. He's overseas and supposedly being pursued by hitmen. He's 34.

Then there's Kim Jong Chol. Frankly, I have to wonder about his, er, "orientation." He seems a little "funny" to me. I have no solid evidence of this, but I've had my suspicions about him ever since I learned he has a subscription to Playgirl. He claims he just gets them for the articles, but I'm not so sure.

Finally, there's my youngest, Kim Jong Un. We keep him locked in the basement ever since that incident with the gerbils.

Anyway, I really should start grooming someone to take over. I would prefer to keep North Korea in the family, but I'm not sure if that will be possible.

Hmmmm.... Maybe I should start advertising on Monster.com.

I like to think I'm a people person, and I like to think I can get along with pretty much anyone.... Especially if they're willing to sell me plutonium. But if there's one kind of person that really gets under my skin, it's an ungrateful S.O.B. who just don't know how to express proper gratitude.

Case in point: Charles Robert Jenkins is an American soldier who was stationed in South Korea back in 1965. One day he decided, hey, I'm bored, so let's defect to North Korea! And that's exactly what he did!

For 39 years we fed this guy, gave him a place to live, and even provided him with a woman. So what does he do when he finally gets to leave? He turns around and calls his former host an "immense prison that defied all norms."

I'm sorry, but I think that is just plain rude.