Happy Valentine's Day!

Did you get the bouquet of nukes I sent you?

Pakistan's Pervez Musharaff is such a little slut....

All this time I thought he and his chief weapons scientist, Abdul Qadeer Khan, were sharing their nuke secrets with only me, and me alone. Meaning only me. Meaning no one else. Meaning exclusively me.

I honestly thought we had something special between us. Why, I often had them over to my 57 room cottage in Big Long Dong where we would share hookers!! And let me tell you, seeing the President of Pakistan hanging from a chandelier while wearing nothing but a leather thong and fishnet stockings is something I hope I never see again!

Granted, I made them pay their share for the women, but that's only because my country is so impoverished.

So imagine my shock and horror when I learned they were also sharing their secrets with Libya, Iran, and Syria!!! Needless to say, I feel like the sanctity of our relationship has been horribly betrayed!!

If you can't trust a fellow despot, who can you trust?

For some odd reason, a group of Cubans tried to flee Fidel's workers' paradise.... In a 1959 Buick. That's right: They took a 45 year old buick, made it watertight, and took to the sea with it. Needless to say, they were intercepted by a US Coast Guard cutter and will soon be returned to Cuba.

What a bunch of idiots!!!

Any fool will tell you that to outrun a Coast Guard cutter, you need a 1956 Ford Thunderbird.

The United States has signaled its retreat from Seoul. They of course claim it's part of a "realignment" of forces, but the real reason is that they're scared of me.

I suppose that means I'm free to invade the city. Do they have any Korean restaurants there? I'm sure they must, and I'm eager to try them out. I've never actually had any traditional Korean food, since, well, we're starving to death over here.

But first I need to figure out what to wear.

Apparently the Great Revolution to overthrow the oppressive imperialist west has begun!! I just checked my inbox, and I have 17,543 new emails!!!! And many of them have attachments, probably containing important information on how to build even more nukes!! No doubt they are all from my loyal followers eager to share in the joys of living in absolute poverty while eating raw poultry products because you can't afford fuel to build a fire.

Of course, given my slow connection speeds, it will tke me a while to go through them all.

If there's one thing I hate, it's crybabies. Well, actually, I hate a LOT of things, but for the moment let's concentrate on my disdain of whining defectors.

A new report says that I will probably have anywhere from four to eight nuclear bombs by the end of the year. Now I know that concerns many of you, because you mistakenly believe I'm nuttier than the Jack Nicholson character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Well.... Yeah, okay, I probably am.

But let me ask you this: Which maniac would you rather have with access to nukes? Me, or Howard Dean?

Bush now says he is willing to sign a non-aggression pact with me. Well, it's about time he surrendered! I shall be merciful.

In return for this agreement, I have to.... Do nothing!! Well, technically I'm supposed to promise to abandon my nuclear arms program, but what the hell! My country has never lived up to its previous agreements, and I'm certainly not one to break our long tradition of breaking promises!!

In a giant step forward towards the final collapse of capitalism, NBC has announced this is the last season for Frasier. This comes on the heels of news that it is also Friends' final year. They are NBC's most popular shows, and it is virtually impossible that the network will be able to replace them with anything nearly as popular. This means, of course, that NBC will be going out of business this fall.

I mean, what else can they do? Put on another night of Law and Order? Perhaps something like Law and Order: Proletariat Victims Unit would work.

Or maybe another night of that Fear Factor crap. Say, that may not be a bad idea! I can seize UN nuclear weapons inspectors and have them slide down a greased ramp into a tub full of nuclear warheads as they beg for their lives!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Of course, I will have to make sure I'm on the OTHER side of the country while it's being filmed.

I want my POW back.

We captured this guy fair and square during the war 50 years ago--a war in which we kicked some serious American tuckus, I might add--and now he has illegally escaped. His family--the ones still alive, at any rate--are all happy to have him back.

Well, that's nice. Boo-hoo. I'm deeply touched.

But the fact remains that I never gave him permission to leave, so I want him back.

Look, let me put in this in perspective for you: Do you have any pets? Like a dog or a cat? (We have dogs and cats here, too, but we call them "livestock.") And you love your little pet, don't you? Of course you do!! And if something happened, like maybe Fido wanders out of the house when you're not looking, you'd want him back. wouldn't you? Of course you would!! You wouldn't want him living next door in your neighbor's hut, now would you? No, of course not!!

And why not? Because he's yours!!

Now do you see why I want my little POW back?

HAHAHAHA!!!! Here's another sign of the failure of capitalism: Declining sperm counts. It says here that the number of little swimmers produced by the average set of inferior western testicles has declined by one third since 1989!

Now I, on the other hand, have family jewels that are positively bulging with little Mini Me's. It occurs to me that since I have all these nukes lying around just gathering dust, maybe I could use them to balckmail the west into letting me come over and impregnate their desperate women!

Of course, I will have to get a really cool car first....

If Saddam were still footloose, fancy-free, and blogging--instead of in jail playing hide the camel's sausage with with some tatooed guy named Abdul--I'm sure he would have run the below cartoon. And he would have pointed out that it is a perfect metaphor for America's approach to foreign policy, which can best be summed up with the words "We're Americans, and we know what's best for you even if you don't."

A number of eager groups are making arrangements to tour our impressive nuclear production facilities. Most are scientists, but there's also an American congressional delegation that wants to sneak a peak. Perhaps I should add some rides and start charging admission.

All this attention is getting my personal nuclear missile of love ready for launch, if you catch my drift.

And that's another problem with capitalism: The rich are always looking to get richer by making the poor poorer.

And that's another reason our system is superior: Our people are already so poor, they can't possibly get any poorer!

Besides, the principle industry of North Korea is wading through rice paddies. And quite frankly, those are not the kind of jobs that are easily exported to other countries.

I love the United States. I really do. I can bad mouth them endlessly, constantly threaten them, continually berate them, and when they get tired of it, you know what they do?

That's right: They send me tons of food.

And there had better not be any of that mad cow beef in there either, because then I might just get pissed off. And I really don't think you want to be pissing me off.... I have nukes, you know.

Once again, that fat pig of a capitalist, Santa Claus, has overlooked me.

I had a fairly simply wish list: A few more nuclear warheads (buying uranium on the international used arms market is quite expensive, especially for a nation that can't feed its own people. So if the opportunity for some freebies presents itself, I usually go for it); blueprints for developing MIRV delivery technology (that's like a quantity discount; several warheads for the price of one missile); and some long range ICBM's that can reach the east coast of the united States. Granted, I already have delivery systems that can reach the west coast, but what would be the point? The people in Berkeley and the rest of northern California are already unamerican communist sympathizers. Threatening them would be like me threatening Cuba!

Oh, and a train set. Preferably HO scale. With those little buildings that light up. And a locomotive that makes actual choo-choo noises.

But things will be different next year. I figure if my existing rockets can already reach parts of the continental US, then they can damn well reach Santa's workshop.

While I am most often addressed as "our dear leader" or "our beloved leader, builder of nuclear warheads for sale on the international black market" by my loyal ctizens, who are sent to work in rice paddies until they die if they DON'T address me as such, I am actually known by a number of other terms of endearment as well.

I understand that the lure of capitalism can be quite seductive. Perhaps not as much as when Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks throws you a "come hither" look and starts bad mouthing George Bush, but still seductive nonetheless. Yet I would have expected Saddam to resist its lure, if only because of its close association with--what's that word he always used....? Infidels. Right.

Yet I see he has fallen prey to its evil appeal. Now granted, I can see a great athlete or celebrity signing one of those "endorsement deals" for some worthless exploitive consumer good, but Saddam? He's in jail, with no prospect of getting out anytime before the turn of the next millennium, so what does he expect to do with all the money he's making from this ad?

Many countries are expressing alarm and concern that food aid destined for my impoverished.... er, I mean "wealthy" nation is about to run out and tens of millions may starve to death during the coming winter.

While I appreciate the world's concern, let me put your minds at ease: I and my family have PLENTY of food. But if you want to send us video games, that would be great.

Oh, and some porn would be great, too. I like to give those to my mistrsses. I tell them its "educational material," and to to study the tapes carefully.