IF someone wanted to launch a surprise nuclear attack against the United States, today would be the perfect time to do it. NORAD, which is responsible for protecting America against just such a threat, is busy tracking Santa Claus!

Of course, I would never EVER do such a thing.... Mainly because all our missiles tend to fall into the ocean three minutes after we launch them. That's still better than how it used to be, though. They used to blow up right on the damn pad and kill all the scientists. What a pain in the ass that always was!!! We'd end up having to send agents into South Korea and kidnap a new batch of scientists.

I know many people are afraid of me, or think I'm mad, or that I'm some sort of power-crazed maniac hellbent on destroying the world. And, well, yes, I guess I'm all of those things and more. But that doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun!

For example, I once had this cook. Nice guy. He even invited me to his wedding.... Not that he had a choice, though. Anyway, he got pretty wasted on cognac after the nuptials and eventually passed out cold.

When he awoke the next morning, I asked him if he had pubic hair. He seemed a little surprised by the question, but assured me he did. So then I suggested he step into the bathroom just to make sure. Well, needless to say, he did so and discovered that, in fact, his pubic hair was gone!!! Yes, that's right. After he passed out I shaved it all off for him. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

As you can plainly see, I can be quite wacky when I'm not busy killing people.