Friday, March 26, 2004

China's foreign minister, Li Zhaoxing, just finished up a meeting with me. He told the world that he came here to discuss "nuclear proliferation," moving towards peace, and stupid crap like that. But he's really just saying that so that China can become a respected member of the international community.

But what he really came here for was the hookers.

We've got the best in Asia.

Thursday, March 18, 2004

South Korea's President Roh has been impeached and removed from office. His subjects are not very happy about this turn of events and are protesting the move.

Such turmoil in my capitalist controlled neighbor is making me excited!! I may have to personally go over there--with a couple of million of my troops, of course--and personally restore order.

Friday, March 12, 2004

My original foray into American politics was, well, less than successful. I'm referring, of course, to my run for Governor of California last year. Quite frankly, once Arnold Whatshisname entered the race, I knew there was no sense in my staying in. After all, I don't want people to think I'm crazy!

However, I can not stand by casually on the sidelines during this far more important Presidential campaign. I, and my fellow America haters throughout the remaining communist world, other oppressed nations, and the greater metropolitan San Francisco/Berkeley areas realize that George W. Bush must be defeated.

That is why I am formally endorsing John Kerry for President. I urge all of you Jane Fonda and Michael Moore wannabes to vote Democratic this fall.

Yes, I stole the above photo from Little Tiny Lies. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you take it up with the United Nations.

And tell 'em to send us another million metric tons of grain--we're starving over here!

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and those misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!


Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais with the sunroofs and air conditioning. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

I am very disappointed in Jean-Bertrand Aristide. Granted, he started off with the backing of the United States, but to his credit, he did fix the Parliamentary elections a few years ago. That's a big plus, in my book.

But when his people started protesting, he just sat there. Why didn't he institute a bloody crackdown? Oh, wait, now I remember: He had disbanded his army!! What a moron!! How can you be a dictator without a frikkin' army to back you up!!

That's exactly why the International Brotherhood of Bloodthirsty Despots (IBBD) rejected his membership application a few months ago.

Still, this revolt he was facing had potential. If Aristide had remained in power, many more people would have died as the rebels fought to capture Port-au-Prince. Of course, Aristide would have ultimately been captured and killed, of course, but at least it would have been fun to watch the battle!

So what's the poor sap doing now? He's in exile, claiming the United States kidnapped him!! What cajones!

I can't help but admire that kind of ingratitude.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star