And that's another problem with capitalism: The rich are always looking to get richer by making the poor poorer.

And that's another reason our system is superior: Our people are already so poor, they can't possibly get any poorer!

Besides, the principle industry of North Korea is wading through rice paddies. And quite frankly, those are not the kind of jobs that are easily exported to other countries.

I love the United States. I really do. I can bad mouth them endlessly, constantly threaten them, continually berate them, and when they get tired of it, you know what they do?

That's right: They send me tons of food.

And there had better not be any of that mad cow beef in there either, because then I might just get pissed off. And I really don't think you want to be pissing me off.... I have nukes, you know.

Once again, that fat pig of a capitalist, Santa Claus, has overlooked me.

I had a fairly simply wish list: A few more nuclear warheads (buying uranium on the international used arms market is quite expensive, especially for a nation that can't feed its own people. So if the opportunity for some freebies presents itself, I usually go for it); blueprints for developing MIRV delivery technology (that's like a quantity discount; several warheads for the price of one missile); and some long range ICBM's that can reach the east coast of the united States. Granted, I already have delivery systems that can reach the west coast, but what would be the point? The people in Berkeley and the rest of northern California are already unamerican communist sympathizers. Threatening them would be like me threatening Cuba!

Oh, and a train set. Preferably HO scale. With those little buildings that light up. And a locomotive that makes actual choo-choo noises.

But things will be different next year. I figure if my existing rockets can already reach parts of the continental US, then they can damn well reach Santa's workshop.

While I am most often addressed as "our dear leader" or "our beloved leader, builder of nuclear warheads for sale on the international black market" by my loyal ctizens, who are sent to work in rice paddies until they die if they DON'T address me as such, I am actually known by a number of other terms of endearment as well.

I understand that the lure of capitalism can be quite seductive. Perhaps not as much as when Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks throws you a "come hither" look and starts bad mouthing George Bush, but still seductive nonetheless. Yet I would have expected Saddam to resist its lure, if only because of its close association with--what's that word he always used....? Infidels. Right.

Yet I see he has fallen prey to its evil appeal. Now granted, I can see a great athlete or celebrity signing one of those "endorsement deals" for some worthless exploitive consumer good, but Saddam? He's in jail, with no prospect of getting out anytime before the turn of the next millennium, so what does he expect to do with all the money he's making from this ad?

Many countries are expressing alarm and concern that food aid destined for my impoverished.... er, I mean "wealthy" nation is about to run out and tens of millions may starve to death during the coming winter.

While I appreciate the world's concern, let me put your minds at ease: I and my family have PLENTY of food. But if you want to send us video games, that would be great.

Oh, and some porn would be great, too. I like to give those to my mistrsses. I tell them its "educational material," and to to study the tapes carefully.

HAHAHAHA!!!!! I bet Saddam's going to be majorly pissed when he finds out about this!
For years he had been trying to buy a missile system from us, and we kept jerking him around, coming up with all kinds of stupid excuses. And the idiot kept saying, "Oh, okay, well, here's some more money." And that money bought me a LOT of hookers!!
What a fool.

No wonder he's the one who got his country invaded instead of me.

I'm sure some of you capitalist losers continue to believe that your pathetic system is somehow better than my brand of communism. And you would probably just laugh at me when I say that capitalism feeds off the greed of its followers. "Ah, but there's nothing wrong with that," you would no doubt answer between your ignorant guffaws. "That's what we call 'economic incentive.'"
Well, fine, laugh it up. But let me say that your so-called "economic incentives" is nothing more than greed by a fancy name. And it KILLS!!!!
If you doubt me, look at this story. A woman in a Wal-Mart was trampled by a mob trying to buy DVD players that were on sale for $49.95! How cold and heartless is that!?!
That is why our way of life is vastly superior to the greed-driven lifestyle of western societies: Not only can none of our citizens afford DVD players--on sale or not--but they are so ignorant that they don't even KNOW what a DVD player is!!
I rest my case.

Today was the 75th anniversary of that capitalist symbol, Mickey Mouse. How appropriate that a giant, overgrown rodent should come to symbolize a system that feeds off the waste of humanity.
Oh, sure! Mickey started off cute, adorable, and lovable. Many novelties are like that in the beginning, until people realize that there's really nothing there. Despite his early successes--or perhaps because of them--wealth soon began to corrupt Mickey and his small cadre of animated, exploitive friends. Then one day he came home early and discovered that his wife was f*cking Goofy. That's when his existance began to fall apart.
The rodent soon turned to alcohol and prescription drug abuse, and much like a cartoon version of Rush Limbaugh, his life went into a downward spiral.
All in all, a fitting example of the evils of capitalism.

Did he say Marx and Engles? Hmm.... I'll have to be sure to set my TiVO to record that.

So who's acting?

I guess I can't get anything past the American intelligence services. Apparently their Central Imperialist Agency has finally figured out that I probably have a nuclear bomb. Well, it's about time! I've been threatening and blathering and issuing threatening remarks for the last year and they're only NOW figuring this out?!?!
On the other hand, why should this surprise me? These are the same people that said Iraq was positively bristling with weapons of mass destruction.

The secret is in asking nicely.

Once again, the world is witness to the double standards of the capitalist controlled Bush administration. During the last week, the sun has been rocked by massive explosions. And not just run of the mill teeny tiny dynamite explosions, either. We're talking huge nuclear explosions, more powerful than even all of the Earth's nukes combined could ever produce!!
But does the Bush administration condemn the sun's production of nuclear weapons? Does the Bush administration call on the international community to impose sanctions against the sun? Does the Bush administration run crying to the United Nation to pass some stupid resolution that isn't worth the paper it's printed on?
NO, of course not!!
But if little ol' me were to blow up one of MY nukes, Bush would be all over me like stink on a starving dog being cooked as someone's dinner!
It's just not fair.

There's an old saying: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're crazy.
Well, okay, maybe sometimes, but not always.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Dear Beloved Leader, what do you do when you're not threatening the imperialist running dogs of the corrupted capitalist world with instant fiery nuclear annihilation if they dare f*ck with us?" That's actually a very good, insightful question, considering that its coming from uneducated, illiterate rice farmers.
Well, for one thing, I'm a HUGE baseball fan, especially of the Chicago Cubs. I have fervently followed the team with great interest since I was a wee Dear-Leader-In-Training. So you can imagine my disappointment when they lost game 7 to the Florida Marlins. Obiviously, they were pressured to lose, since the governor of Florida just happens to be the brother of the President of the United States.
After I finished lamenting their loss, I felt I had to do something enjoyable to take my mind off the fiasco. After some consideration, I went to the "reeducation facility" in Wing Ding Wong and had all the political prisoners--er, I mean "students"-- gather in the courtyard. Then I personally shot them all one by one.
That always makes me feel better.
However, it is the events of game 6 that I find most troubling. How could that fool capitalist pig of a man, Steve Bartman, try to grab that ball? What in the name of Marx was he thinking? Didn't he realize that reaching out like that he would not only cost my beloved Cubs the game, but likely the entire series, and thereby prolong the curse of the goat? Not to mention pissing me off and bringing the world to the very edge of doom?
What a bonehead.
Anyway, once I am elected governor of California I shall have this "Bartman" kidnapped and brought before me in the new state capital of Berkeley.
That reminds me.... I really should schedule some campaign appearances. When is that election, anyway?

As most of you know, I am quite the atheist. In fact, all of us communist leader types are. There is simply no room for religion or concept of some higher being in our (nearly) Utopian societies.
However, I know that the western imperialists are big on that sort of thing. They've even come up with a "Ten Commandments" thing that was supposedly handed down by that god guy of theirs. And chief among those ten items is the "Thou shalt not kill" rule, which if adhered to, makes it damn hard to run a country.
Anyway, those Ten Commandments--and the Thou shalt not kill thing--are supposedly held dear by their religious leaders.
So imagine my surprise when I hear that Pat Robertson, one of their principle religious leaders, is advocating the slaughter of his own countrymen!! Yes, it's true!! He says he would like to use a nuclear bomb to blow up the state department!!
Hey, don't get mad at me. HE'S the one who said it!!
Anyway, if any of you run into Pat, feel free to give him my email address. If he's serious about looking for a nuclear bomb, I do have several available for sale. In fact, I'm getting to clear my inventory to make room for the new 2004 models.
Perhaps the two of us could work out a deal....

So when is that California recall election anyway? Next month? I should probably start scheduling some campaign appearances. This week is already booked pretty solid for me, so maybe I'll go to California next week.
Tonight I'm executing political prisoners. Then tomorrow I'm going to my uranium processing center in Dong Hung Lo. Thursday evening I'm volunteering as a candy striper at Our Great Leader Hospital Center. Oh, and then on Friday I have to get my hair done.
That's always an all day affair.

That's right, we're making even more nukes. You can never have enough of those things, you know. And can you believe the Japs are upset with me, saying I broke some kind of promise? Yeah, like I'm going to pay attention to anything they have to say.
You gotta watch the damn Japs, you know. Otherwise they'll invade you, like they did with us in 1940. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Hey, maybe we'll start renting our nukes out as "Japanese/imperialist repellants."