Those stupid Iranians are a bunch of wimps and pussies!!! I am genuinely insulted to be categorized in the same "Axis of Evil" as those losers!

If you haven't heard, there is new evidence that the traces of uranium found in Iran actually came from contaminated equipment that Pakistan sold them a few years ago. If true, this would seem to indicate that the Iranians have been telling the truth all along and are genuinely interested in pursuing nuclear power only as a peaceful power source.

It's people like that that give us rogue nations a bad name.

So let me take this opportunity to assure all of you out there that we here in the Democratic Republic of Korea--or whatever the hell our formal name is--are most certainly NOT interested in the peaceful pursuit of nuclear technology. More importantly, I really am a mentally unstable psychopath hellbent on selling atomic warheads to the highest bidder on eBay.

So are you scared now? Are you crapping your pants out of terror.... Or is that because of some other undiagnosed medical condition? Whatever the reason, it's disgusting, and you should be thoroughly embarrassed.

So give us aid, or we'll build even more bombs to scare you with.

Everyone's in a tizzy that we restarted our reactor at Yongbyon. Well, of course we did, and don't you love the way we abuse the hell out of the letter "Y?" It's our favorite letter in the alphabet, of course.... Which is all the more remarkable since our alphabet looks nothing like yours, and contains nothing that looks even remotely like a "y."

But back to the topic at hand: Of course we restarted the reactor. We need the freakin' electricity, for crying out loud! Besides, it gets scary sitting here in the dark at night. And all those secret tunnels we have dug into the South need to be lit 24/7 for when we launch our surprise attack.... Assuming we can ever get any of our 40 year old surplus Soviet tanks running again.

True, we could always pull those graphite rods out of the reactor and turn them into weapons grade material, but we won't as long as you give us some food. A few hundred thousand bushels of wheat will be a nice start....

Plus a pizza for little ol' me.... With extra cheese.... And Sausage and pepperoni.... And mushrooms.... And onions.

I only sleep with paid hookers, so they're not likely to complain about my breath.

Yes, it's true. I did say that my country does NOT have a nuclear weapons program, and that we are willing to agree to inspections to prove it.

But before you panic and erroneously conclude that I have suddenly developed a streak of sanity, don't worry: I'll be changing my mind again before long and go back to saber rattling!

You know the old saying, don't you? "Changing your mind is a despot's prerogative."

Some protestors have taken advantage of the publicity generated by the recent Hiroshima and Nagasaki anniversaries to call for a worldwide ban on nuclear weapons. Personally, I'm all in favor of such a ban.

What? You're surprised?

Well, you shouldn't be. It's kind of like that old bumpersticker: "If nuclear weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have nuclear weapons." And needless to say, I would be one of the outlaws! That's the type of thing that would help our bargaining position when negotiating for donations of food.

Let's see Bush try to push me around once I'm the world's sole remaining superpower!

The United States has announced that it will begin producing plutonium 238 for its space program.

Well, that hardly seems fair. Why is it okay for them to do it, but if I do it, half the world is condemning me as an evil man? As for the other half of the world, they would be lining up to buy the plutonium.

A constant stream of threats and insults like that begins to wear on a guy after a while. You think it's easy trying to run an impoverished country, while at the same time trying to maintain one of the largest military forces in the world?

Well, maybe we'll just say we need plutonium for OUR space program. How'd you like those apples?

Whoops, bad choice of words. If an apple ever showed around here, it would touch off massive food riots.

That capitalist running pig-dog Vice President of America, Dick Cheney, had the nerve to call me "one of the world's most irresponsible leaders."

Excuse me? I'm irresponsible!?!?!?

Hey, I'm not the "world leader" who invaded the wrong freakin' country!!!!

Lately there have been some nasty rumors floating around that I have started wearing platform shoes. The story implies that I am somehow insecure about my height, and am somehow afraid of being ignored when around other world leaders.

What utter nonsense!!

First of all, I am most certainly NOT afraid of being ignored. I have nukes, you know, and world leaders simply do not ignore other world leaders who have nukes.... At least not if they know what's good for them!

Secondly, while it's true that I do appear taller in recent photos, this is not because of my shoes. Not at all. It's simply that I have grown, um, in "stature" since I now have the aforementioned nukes.

I know people like to say that communism is dead, that Cuba, China, and North Korea will go capitalist once the present leadership dies.

Nonsense.

It is capitalism which is dead, or at least in a persistent vegetative state. People don't know it yet, but communism is making a comeback.

How else would you explain the fact that a socialist is about to be elected a United States Senator?

Amnesty International has declared the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay "the gulag of our time." And for those of you youngsters unfamiliar with the term, gulags were the system of political prisons used by the Soviet Union to house those who didn't realize they were living in a workers' paradise.

And now the United States is accused of running such a place!?!?! HA!!!!!!

Too bad my daddy's old friends Stalin, Khruschev, and Brezhnev are no longer around. They would have gotten a real chuckle out of that!

They say it's good for people to have a hobby. Mine is instilling fear in the rest of the world, and I like to think I'm quite good at it. It makes me feel powerful and virile.... Plus it impresses the chicks.

In my latest attempt to scare the holy crap out of everyone, I have announced that I will NOT rule out a preemptive strike if circumstances warrant. And those circumstances would include trying to take a photo of me in my underwear!

Never mind that all our equipment consists of 30 year old rusted out hand me downs from the former Soviet Union. A couple of spritzes from a can of WD-40, and they'll be good to go.

Which brings me to my next point: Can I borrow a can of WD-40?

I have heard it said that I'm paranoid. Well, perhaps so. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the whole world's not out to get you!

For example, here's a news report that says the U.S. has begun moving equipment into the Pacific region. This buildup includes more stealth bombers and fighter jets being assigned to Guam, as well as additional Aegis equipped destroyers deployed to the Sea of Japan.

I may not be entirely sure what an "Aegis equipped destroyer" is, but I think it translates into "You better hurry up and build more nukes, Kim."

Everyone is acting all nervous that I may be getting ready to conduct an underground nuclear test. Oh, settle down!! What's the worst that can happen? We miscalulate the yield of the warhead and split the Earth like a giant walnut? That's absurd! We're extremely careful, and we just don't make stupid, careless mistakes around here!

GJJh6$$#dfe$56^)>HGJHlkgudiytrog#&9i69p=+=:'/.,6y5#@!_)[**_OPjHg}

Whoops, sorry about that. I spilled my bottle of gin all over the keyboard, but I took one of our secret underground tunnels over to Seoul and bought a new one. Oh, and a new keyboard as well.

We will, however, need a volunteer. This upcoming test has hit a snag because we don't actually have any wireless technology in North Korea. Consequently, someone will have to actually stand next to the bomb and push the button.

Any takers?

Why is everyone so shocked by the missile we tested yesterday? It's certainly nothing new. We've tested those things before, and it's something I like to do whenever I feel an overwhelming need for attention.

Besides, this was a short range missile. We have some that can reach all the way to Uranus, and you know what that means, don't you?

Don't bend over!

If there's one thing I really enjoy, it's making the world pee in its pants out of fear. That's why I always enjoy making periodic announcements like this one.

Yes, it's true. We're shutting down our reactor so we can extract the plutonium that has built up in it. Of course, being environmentally conscious, I am a firm believer in recycling. That's why we're not just throwing that stuff in the trash. No sirree. We're going to recycle it.... By making more warheads!

But don't worry: We're only doing this as a purely defensive matter. If you don't actually invade us, you have nothing to fear.... Unless I decide to buy one of those new fangled high definition TV's--with the really thin screen so I can hang it on my wall. Then I would have to raise the cash by selling a couple of the warheads on Ebay.

You're disgusting. Go change into a dry pair of pants.

Much to my delight, relations between Japan and China are continuing to go downhill. China has refused to reimburse Japan for damage done to its missions and other properties by rampaging mobs last week. Now Japanese lawmakers are planning to visit a shrine that allegedly glorifies their country's militaristic past.

The wonderful thing about this constant bickering between the two is that they're too busy to pressure me to give up my nukes. It's a win-win-win situation for everyone involved! Well, okay, maybe not everyone, but it is a winner for me.

And in the end, that's what counts!

The latest news out of China is positively giving me goosebumps. There have been a number of very vocal protests in Chinese cities against those capitalist Japs. The problem, as I understand it is that the Japs are seeking a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council. The people of China, however, are not too thrilled at this prospect. The protestors have been chanting catchy little phrses such as "Japanese pigs get out!" as the mobs attack Tokyo's consulates in various Chinese cities, as well as businesses run by those stinkin' Japs.

The original problem stems from a new school textbook the Japanese government has approved for use in its schools. This new book, like so many others used in Japan, glosses over the atrocities committed by that country during WWII. The worst of these was probably the occupation of China and the so-called Rape of Nanking, during which almost 400,000 Chinese civilians were tortured and killed.

For some odd reason, the Chinese still hold a grudge over that little incident.

I gave my number two guy the honor of announcing that we are boosting our nuclear deterrent. Some people may be surprised that I didn't make the announcement myself, but don't read too much into that. I am still firmly in control of the country. However, I'm just trying to learn to delegate better to my subordinates. It's something I read about in the bestselling book "The One Minute Despot."

The other great thing about delegating is that when things go wrong, I can always just blame the delegatee and exile him to a uranium mine.

Everyone talks about great the Pope was, and how he visited 129 countries during his time, and how massive the outpouring of affection was for him after he died.

Big deal.

I don't think he was all that great. First of all, he never bothered to visit North Korea. Of course, I never gave him permission, and if he had shown up, we would have put him to work mining uranium without any protective gear. But that hardly sounds like a valid excuse for shunning us....

Besides, just wait till you see the public adoration and throngs of weeping North Koreans when I die! There will be millions upon millions of my citizens openly crying at my passing.

Seriously! It's in my will. Anyone not openly weeping and wailing in despair will be taken out and shot.

WOW!!! I never realized my hair was so impressive!! You see, North Korea is so poverty stricken that we can't afford mirrors here. But now that I see what I look like, I must say I'm quite the handsome devil!

I'm sure that many of you think I'm just a bit paranoid because I'm always claiming that the United States is about invade me. Well, there's an old saying here in North Korea: "You can lead a horse to water and then you butcher him because we have nothing else to eat in this godforsaken place." But there's another, more important saying as well: "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you."

For example, the Americans were recently caught telling dirty, filthy lies about me and the time I spent the night at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Whatever they said, I assure you none of it is true.

Such falsehoods are almost as scurrilous as the one they were spreading about me selling nuclear secrets to Libya. I kept saying that stuff wasn't true, but no one would listen to me! Now it turns out I was telling the truth all along!!! And believe me when I say no one more surprised by that than I was!

It seems that the Americans told other countries here in Asia that I had been selling nuke stuff to Libya. The goal was to further isolate me. Now it turns out that the Americans knew all along that wasn't true. I had actually sold the material to Pakistan, which wasn't that a big a deal since they're already a nuclear power. But then it was the Pakistanis who turned around and sold the material to Libya in violation of international accords.

Some of you may wonder why America would lie about such a thing. Well it's quite simple, really. Pakistan is an ally in that stupid War on Terror thing which is constantly causing Bush to invade the wrong countries. Consequently, it wouldn't be beneficial to the President to criticize one of his allies so he decides, hey, let's frame North Korea for this.

Now someone go fetch my horse. I'm hungry.

My Korean brothers in the south are having a bit of a dispute with the Japanese over some islands. No one actually lives on these worthless pieces of rock; it's just that both countries want them.

No, it doesn't make sense to me, either.

Anyway, this may be the perfect opportunity for me to press my plan for reunification with the wayward south. I'll offer to nuke the Japanese unless they drop their claim to the islands, and in exchange, South Korea will stop its riduculous flirtation with capitalism and rejoin us here in the north.

I am posting this cartoon only because I find it mildly amusing. In reality, however, I would never engage in a such a capitalist venture.

I am positively giddy with delight over the recent developments between China and Taiwan. As you no doubt already, because I'm sure you all follow current events very closely rather than wasting your time with online computer games, China last week passed a "no secession" law directed against against the renegade province. Under terms of the measure, China will resort to force should the misguided leaders of Taiwan formally declare independence. And the icing on the cake was the Chinese premeir's warning to the United States to stay out of the matter.

In response, there were masssive demonstrations in Taiwan today protesting the mainland's latest threats. It's only a matter of time now until Taiwanese leaders, who were long ago seduced by the dark forces of capitalism, decide to test China's resolve. If and when that happens, war will quickly follow and hundreds of thousands will die.

I get goose bumps just thinking about it!!

What does a madman with nukes have to do get people to believe him? Last week we came right out and said we had several nuclear warheads. Now does that sound like the type of thing I would lie about? No, of course not! I might lie about my age, or whether this is my real hair, or the size of my.... Never mind.

The point is that I would never, ever lie about nukes. I have them, period. So why do those imbeciles in South Korea continue to doubt me? I mean, are they deliberately trying to piss me off? Don't they realize I tend to get upset easily, and that I'm right across the border from them? Oh, and that I have nukes!?!?!

Maybe if I were to come down there and shove a 25 kiloton warhead up Minister of Unification Chung Dong-young's butt, people will start to believe me.

Did you miss me? What do you mean what do I mean? I haven't blogged in months! You people forgot all about me, didn't you? Well, you better not do that again, because I have nukes. Lots of 'em. And I'm not afraid to sell them on eBay to the highest bidder!

Yeah, all of a sudden you're ALL sorry you've been ignoring me, aren't you?

I mean, what is the deal with you people? Iran keeps denying it's developing nuclear weapons, but everyone keeps talking about them all the damn time. Then you have me, who freely admits to having several warheads sitting around--already built, assembled, and ready to go boom--and hardly anyone notices until I release another statement reminding the world that I'm still around!! Do you have any idea how frustrating that is!?!?!

Tell you what.... Give me a couple of million bushels of grain, and I'll go away for a few months.... At least until we get hungry again.

People sometimes say to me, "Hey, Kim! Surely you can't play with your nukes seven days a week! What do you do in your spare time?"

Well, actually, yes I can. Still, I have been toying with other weapons of mass disruption (I don't really want to kill people; I just want to f*ck with them). One of my more promising projects is manipulation of the weather. For example, at this very moment a hurricane that I have developed is marching towards the US! Perhaps you've heard of it? His name is Karl.... Karl Marx!

Now that I have the world's attention, may I please have some food? A couple of million metric tons of wheat would be nice.... And a hot fudge sundae.... With whipped cream.... And a cherry on top.

Oh, and some nuts for the nut would be nice, too!

Actually, that was NOT a nuclear explosion. No, we were just bored and decide to blow up a, um, mountain. Yeah, that's it! A mountain! Deliberately, of course! It's not like we accidentally dropped a missile, thereby setting off a cataclysmic explosion.

Why would we blow up a mountain, you ask. A legitimate question. We, um, are in the process of, um, building a hydro electric damn! Yeah, that's it! A damn! Right on top of a mountain!

What's odd about that? Where do you build your damns?

And some other people are getting worked up over a deep hole we've been digging. They think it may indicate preparations for an underground nuke test, although they haven't seen us laying the cables that normally accompany such things.

Well, let me first say that I think it's pretty damn rude to snapping pictures with your spy satellites. Can't we have just a few moments of privacy? You people are as bad as the paparazzi that continually hound Gwyneth Paltrow and her new baby.

Besides, who needs cables for a nuclear test? Haven't you people heard of WiFi?

Oh, and hurry up with that sundae!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but we've been busy manufacturing nuclear warheads to sell on eBay. It's no big deal, really. The United States certainly doesn't care. Between Iraq and that election thing they do every few years, Bush isn't paying attention to us. In fact, he just announced plans to withdraw over 12,000 soldiers from South Korea! This is certainly a boost for my plans to reunify the Korean peninsula.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

I may not be a big believer in democracy, but this guy certainly has my vote.

---------------Scott Adams, Dilbert

There are some VERY nasty rumors going around about me and my hair. Specifically, some imperialist running dogs are suggesting that I am, er, going bald. They point to a recent photo of me hugging the President of China.

Nothing could be further from the truth. That particular phot was just taken from a bad angle. Plus, I just finished a very long train ride and was still somewhat disheveled from the trip. So unless you're prepared to swear that YOUR hair doesn't look funny in the mornings, I would suggest you keep your petty gossip to yourself.

Not only am I as manly and virile as ever, I have nukes! Several of them, in fact. So don't be pissing me off.

Many people seem surprised by our request for outside help in dealing with the recent rail disaster. Well, they shouldn't be. I am big enough to admit that we can't handle it on our own. After all, I must do what is best for my beloved citizens.

Besides, while those United Nations people are off digging through rubble in a fruitless search for survivors, my army will be going through their personal supplies looking for food.

As it turns out, less than 200 people died in that explosion.

Guess that means we'll need even more food sent to us.

I would just like to assure all my supporters throughout the world that while thousands of people may have died, I'm perfectly fine. And really, that's what matters.

I'm in China to blackmail.... Er, I mean "hold talks" with various nations who are seeking to take away my precious little nukes.

I'm also hoping to pick up several million metric tons of food from the Chinese. My only complaint about their food is that no matter how much they give us, an hour later we're starving to death again.

Anyone with any remaining doubts that capitalism is in its death throes needs to read this article.

I'm sure many of you have heard about how American companies are sending their jobs overseas, where company owners can exploit workers for much less money. And If that's not bad enough, the American workers are being told that they're losing their jobs, then they're being asked to train their replacements!!!

Sometimes a lot can be lost in translation, and misunderstandings may easily result. This is a perfect example of what I mean.

China's foreign minister, Li Zhaoxing, just finished up a meeting with me. He told the world that he came here to discuss "nuclear proliferation," moving towards peace, and stupid crap like that. But he's really just saying that so that China can become a respected member of the international community.

But what he really came here for was the hookers.

We've got the best in Asia.

South Korea's President Roh has been impeached and removed from office. His subjects are not very happy about this turn of events and are protesting the move.

Such turmoil in my capitalist controlled neighbor is making me excited!! I may have to personally go over there--with a couple of million of my troops, of course--and personally restore order.

My original foray into American politics was, well, less than successful. I'm referring, of course, to my run for Governor of California last year. Quite frankly, once Arnold Whatshisname entered the race, I knew there was no sense in my staying in. After all, I don't want people to think I'm crazy!

However, I can not stand by casually on the sidelines during this far more important Presidential campaign. I, and my fellow America haters throughout the remaining communist world, other oppressed nations, and the greater metropolitan San Francisco/Berkeley areas realize that George W. Bush must be defeated.

That is why I am formally endorsing John Kerry for President. I urge all of you Jane Fonda and Michael Moore wannabes to vote Democratic this fall.

Yes, I stole the above photo from Little Tiny Lies. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you take it up with the United Nations.

And tell 'em to send us another million metric tons of grain--we're starving over here!

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and those misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!

HA!!

Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais with the sunroofs and air conditioning. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

I am very disappointed in Jean-Bertrand Aristide. Granted, he started off with the backing of the United States, but to his credit, he did fix the Parliamentary elections a few years ago. That's a big plus, in my book.

But when his people started protesting, he just sat there. Why didn't he institute a bloody crackdown? Oh, wait, now I remember: He had disbanded his army!! What a moron!! How can you be a dictator without a frikkin' army to back you up!!

That's exactly why the International Brotherhood of Bloodthirsty Despots (IBBD) rejected his membership application a few months ago.

Still, this revolt he was facing had potential. If Aristide had remained in power, many more people would have died as the rebels fought to capture Port-au-Prince. Of course, Aristide would have ultimately been captured and killed, of course, but at least it would have been fun to watch the battle!

So what's the poor sap doing now? He's in exile, claiming the United States kidnapped him!! What cajones!

I can't help but admire that kind of ingratitude.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and our misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!

HA!!

Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

Anonymous readers (and I can't imagine why they don't want to be publicly associated with me) have recently notified me of two wonderful pieces of news.

First, Parade Magazine--a highly respected weekly news publication often confused with advertising inserts--has once again named me the world's best dictator!!! I was at the top of their list last year, too, even beating out Saddam. Of course, he is no longer on this year's top ten.

What a loser!

And secondly, we North Koreans have been named Americans' least favorite foreign nationality in a recent Gallup poll. What a wild, unexpected coincidence!

I can't stand North Koreans either!!!

Though I have been a long time of HBO's Sex in the City, I was horribly disappointed in the series finale. Quite frankly, I was hoping for a climactic group lesbian sex scene involving Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.

However, I can certainly understand why Carrie left Aleksandr and went back to Mr. Big. Russians have been well known for their tiny penises ever since Mikhail Gorbachev allowed the Soviet Union to collapse on his watch.

We North Koreans, on the other hand, are famous for our "trouser dragons of doom."

And stand back when they start spewing fire!

Now I know I have a reputation for being somewhat "wacky," or "eccentric," or "a complete and utter loon." The particulars vary depending on who you talk to, but you get the idea. And if it's of any comfort to you, it turns out I'm NOT the craziest person in North Korea!!!

There's a book called The Third World War which lays out a frightening scenario for Armageddon. And it all starts right here with little ol' me!! Now normally such talk would make me feel warm and fuzzy all over, except for one little detail: In the book a General of mine seizes power and accuses moi of appeasement. Missiles are exchanged, Japan gets drawn into the conflict, Pakistan and India blow one another up, and things get REALLY ugly from there.

So I guess the Americans better be careful when they talk about forcing a "regime change" in North Korea: The person who takes over from me might actually be even more of a wacko!

Remember: Not all regime changes will go as smoothly as the one in Iraq.

People sometimes ask me, "Mr. Kim, you are such a busy despot, with many demands on your time. How do you relax?"

Well, whenever I'm feeling I little harried, I like to go hang out at the Demilitarized Zone.

WHOA!!! I am really partied out. In case you missed it, which is an offense punishable by death, today was my 62nd birthday. And my people showed their love and devotion for me by holding parades and ceremonies throughout this glorious land!!! Many people gave me lots of wonderful gifts, including a Sony Play Station, which I plan to hook up just as soon as we get the electricity up and running again.

But my favorite gift came from my top generals, who really know how to suck up to a tyrant: A fresh batch of kidnapped Japanese women!!! I'm so happy I could just burst!!

Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be giving Little Kim a BIG workout, if you catch my drift! I just hope I remember to come up for air this time....

Happy Valentine's Day!

Did you get the bouquet of nukes I sent you?

Pakistan's Pervez Musharaff is such a little slut....

All this time I thought he and his chief weapons scientist, Abdul Qadeer Khan, were sharing their nuke secrets with only me, and me alone. Meaning only me. Meaning no one else. Meaning exclusively me.

I honestly thought we had something special between us. Why, I often had them over to my 57 room cottage in Big Long Dong where we would share hookers!! And let me tell you, seeing the President of Pakistan hanging from a chandelier while wearing nothing but a leather thong and fishnet stockings is something I hope I never see again!

Granted, I made them pay their share for the women, but that's only because my country is so impoverished.

So imagine my shock and horror when I learned they were also sharing their secrets with Libya, Iran, and Syria!!! Needless to say, I feel like the sanctity of our relationship has been horribly betrayed!!

If you can't trust a fellow despot, who can you trust?

For some odd reason, a group of Cubans tried to flee Fidel's workers' paradise.... In a 1959 Buick. That's right: They took a 45 year old buick, made it watertight, and took to the sea with it. Needless to say, they were intercepted by a US Coast Guard cutter and will soon be returned to Cuba.

What a bunch of idiots!!!

Any fool will tell you that to outrun a Coast Guard cutter, you need a 1956 Ford Thunderbird.

The United States has signaled its retreat from Seoul. They of course claim it's part of a "realignment" of forces, but the real reason is that they're scared of me.

I suppose that means I'm free to invade the city. Do they have any Korean restaurants there? I'm sure they must, and I'm eager to try them out. I've never actually had any traditional Korean food, since, well, we're starving to death over here.

But first I need to figure out what to wear.

Apparently the Great Revolution to overthrow the oppressive imperialist west has begun!! I just checked my inbox, and I have 17,543 new emails!!!! And many of them have attachments, probably containing important information on how to build even more nukes!! No doubt they are all from my loyal followers eager to share in the joys of living in absolute poverty while eating raw poultry products because you can't afford fuel to build a fire.

Of course, given my slow connection speeds, it will tke me a while to go through them all.

If there's one thing I hate, it's crybabies. Well, actually, I hate a LOT of things, but for the moment let's concentrate on my disdain of whining defectors.

A new report says that I will probably have anywhere from four to eight nuclear bombs by the end of the year. Now I know that concerns many of you, because you mistakenly believe I'm nuttier than the Jack Nicholson character in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

Well.... Yeah, okay, I probably am.

But let me ask you this: Which maniac would you rather have with access to nukes? Me, or Howard Dean?

Bush now says he is willing to sign a non-aggression pact with me. Well, it's about time he surrendered! I shall be merciful.

In return for this agreement, I have to.... Do nothing!! Well, technically I'm supposed to promise to abandon my nuclear arms program, but what the hell! My country has never lived up to its previous agreements, and I'm certainly not one to break our long tradition of breaking promises!!

In a giant step forward towards the final collapse of capitalism, NBC has announced this is the last season for Frasier. This comes on the heels of news that it is also Friends' final year. They are NBC's most popular shows, and it is virtually impossible that the network will be able to replace them with anything nearly as popular. This means, of course, that NBC will be going out of business this fall.

I mean, what else can they do? Put on another night of Law and Order? Perhaps something like Law and Order: Proletariat Victims Unit would work.

Or maybe another night of that Fear Factor crap. Say, that may not be a bad idea! I can seize UN nuclear weapons inspectors and have them slide down a greased ramp into a tub full of nuclear warheads as they beg for their lives!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Of course, I will have to make sure I'm on the OTHER side of the country while it's being filmed.

I want my POW back.

We captured this guy fair and square during the war 50 years ago--a war in which we kicked some serious American tuckus, I might add--and now he has illegally escaped. His family--the ones still alive, at any rate--are all happy to have him back.

Well, that's nice. Boo-hoo. I'm deeply touched.

But the fact remains that I never gave him permission to leave, so I want him back.

Look, let me put in this in perspective for you: Do you have any pets? Like a dog or a cat? (We have dogs and cats here, too, but we call them "livestock.") And you love your little pet, don't you? Of course you do!! And if something happened, like maybe Fido wanders out of the house when you're not looking, you'd want him back. wouldn't you? Of course you would!! You wouldn't want him living next door in your neighbor's hut, now would you? No, of course not!!

And why not? Because he's yours!!

Now do you see why I want my little POW back?

HAHAHAHA!!!! Here's another sign of the failure of capitalism: Declining sperm counts. It says here that the number of little swimmers produced by the average set of inferior western testicles has declined by one third since 1989!

Now I, on the other hand, have family jewels that are positively bulging with little Mini Me's. It occurs to me that since I have all these nukes lying around just gathering dust, maybe I could use them to balckmail the west into letting me come over and impregnate their desperate women!

Of course, I will have to get a really cool car first....

If Saddam were still footloose, fancy-free, and blogging--instead of in jail playing hide the camel's sausage with with some tatooed guy named Abdul--I'm sure he would have run the below cartoon. And he would have pointed out that it is a perfect metaphor for America's approach to foreign policy, which can best be summed up with the words "We're Americans, and we know what's best for you even if you don't."

A number of eager groups are making arrangements to tour our impressive nuclear production facilities. Most are scientists, but there's also an American congressional delegation that wants to sneak a peak. Perhaps I should add some rides and start charging admission.

All this attention is getting my personal nuclear missile of love ready for launch, if you catch my drift.

And that's another problem with capitalism: The rich are always looking to get richer by making the poor poorer.

And that's another reason our system is superior: Our people are already so poor, they can't possibly get any poorer!

Besides, the principle industry of North Korea is wading through rice paddies. And quite frankly, those are not the kind of jobs that are easily exported to other countries.

I love the United States. I really do. I can bad mouth them endlessly, constantly threaten them, continually berate them, and when they get tired of it, you know what they do?

That's right: They send me tons of food.

And there had better not be any of that mad cow beef in there either, because then I might just get pissed off. And I really don't think you want to be pissing me off.... I have nukes, you know.

Once again, that fat pig of a capitalist, Santa Claus, has overlooked me.

I had a fairly simply wish list: A few more nuclear warheads (buying uranium on the international used arms market is quite expensive, especially for a nation that can't feed its own people. So if the opportunity for some freebies presents itself, I usually go for it); blueprints for developing MIRV delivery technology (that's like a quantity discount; several warheads for the price of one missile); and some long range ICBM's that can reach the east coast of the united States. Granted, I already have delivery systems that can reach the west coast, but what would be the point? The people in Berkeley and the rest of northern California are already unamerican communist sympathizers. Threatening them would be like me threatening Cuba!

Oh, and a train set. Preferably HO scale. With those little buildings that light up. And a locomotive that makes actual choo-choo noises.

But things will be different next year. I figure if my existing rockets can already reach parts of the continental US, then they can damn well reach Santa's workshop.

While I am most often addressed as "our dear leader" or "our beloved leader, builder of nuclear warheads for sale on the international black market" by my loyal ctizens, who are sent to work in rice paddies until they die if they DON'T address me as such, I am actually known by a number of other terms of endearment as well.

I understand that the lure of capitalism can be quite seductive. Perhaps not as much as when Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks throws you a "come hither" look and starts bad mouthing George Bush, but still seductive nonetheless. Yet I would have expected Saddam to resist its lure, if only because of its close association with--what's that word he always used....? Infidels. Right.

Yet I see he has fallen prey to its evil appeal. Now granted, I can see a great athlete or celebrity signing one of those "endorsement deals" for some worthless exploitive consumer good, but Saddam? He's in jail, with no prospect of getting out anytime before the turn of the next millennium, so what does he expect to do with all the money he's making from this ad?

Many countries are expressing alarm and concern that food aid destined for my impoverished.... er, I mean "wealthy" nation is about to run out and tens of millions may starve to death during the coming winter.

While I appreciate the world's concern, let me put your minds at ease: I and my family have PLENTY of food. But if you want to send us video games, that would be great.

Oh, and some porn would be great, too. I like to give those to my mistrsses. I tell them its "educational material," and to to study the tapes carefully.

HAHAHAHA!!!!! I bet Saddam's going to be majorly pissed when he finds out about this!
For years he had been trying to buy a missile system from us, and we kept jerking him around, coming up with all kinds of stupid excuses. And the idiot kept saying, "Oh, okay, well, here's some more money." And that money bought me a LOT of hookers!!
What a fool.

No wonder he's the one who got his country invaded instead of me.

I'm sure some of you capitalist losers continue to believe that your pathetic system is somehow better than my brand of communism. And you would probably just laugh at me when I say that capitalism feeds off the greed of its followers. "Ah, but there's nothing wrong with that," you would no doubt answer between your ignorant guffaws. "That's what we call 'economic incentive.'"
Well, fine, laugh it up. But let me say that your so-called "economic incentives" is nothing more than greed by a fancy name. And it KILLS!!!!
If you doubt me, look at this story. A woman in a Wal-Mart was trampled by a mob trying to buy DVD players that were on sale for $49.95! How cold and heartless is that!?!
That is why our way of life is vastly superior to the greed-driven lifestyle of western societies: Not only can none of our citizens afford DVD players--on sale or not--but they are so ignorant that they don't even KNOW what a DVD player is!!
I rest my case.

Today was the 75th anniversary of that capitalist symbol, Mickey Mouse. How appropriate that a giant, overgrown rodent should come to symbolize a system that feeds off the waste of humanity.
Oh, sure! Mickey started off cute, adorable, and lovable. Many novelties are like that in the beginning, until people realize that there's really nothing there. Despite his early successes--or perhaps because of them--wealth soon began to corrupt Mickey and his small cadre of animated, exploitive friends. Then one day he came home early and discovered that his wife was f*cking Goofy. That's when his existance began to fall apart.
The rodent soon turned to alcohol and prescription drug abuse, and much like a cartoon version of Rush Limbaugh, his life went into a downward spiral.
All in all, a fitting example of the evils of capitalism.

Did he say Marx and Engles? Hmm.... I'll have to be sure to set my TiVO to record that.

So who's acting?

I guess I can't get anything past the American intelligence services. Apparently their Central Imperialist Agency has finally figured out that I probably have a nuclear bomb. Well, it's about time! I've been threatening and blathering and issuing threatening remarks for the last year and they're only NOW figuring this out?!?!
On the other hand, why should this surprise me? These are the same people that said Iraq was positively bristling with weapons of mass destruction.

The secret is in asking nicely.

Once again, the world is witness to the double standards of the capitalist controlled Bush administration. During the last week, the sun has been rocked by massive explosions. And not just run of the mill teeny tiny dynamite explosions, either. We're talking huge nuclear explosions, more powerful than even all of the Earth's nukes combined could ever produce!!
But does the Bush administration condemn the sun's production of nuclear weapons? Does the Bush administration call on the international community to impose sanctions against the sun? Does the Bush administration run crying to the United Nation to pass some stupid resolution that isn't worth the paper it's printed on?
NO, of course not!!
But if little ol' me were to blow up one of MY nukes, Bush would be all over me like stink on a starving dog being cooked as someone's dinner!
It's just not fair.

There's an old saying: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're crazy.
Well, okay, maybe sometimes, but not always.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Dear Beloved Leader, what do you do when you're not threatening the imperialist running dogs of the corrupted capitalist world with instant fiery nuclear annihilation if they dare f*ck with us?" That's actually a very good, insightful question, considering that its coming from uneducated, illiterate rice farmers.
Well, for one thing, I'm a HUGE baseball fan, especially of the Chicago Cubs. I have fervently followed the team with great interest since I was a wee Dear-Leader-In-Training. So you can imagine my disappointment when they lost game 7 to the Florida Marlins. Obiviously, they were pressured to lose, since the governor of Florida just happens to be the brother of the President of the United States.
After I finished lamenting their loss, I felt I had to do something enjoyable to take my mind off the fiasco. After some consideration, I went to the "reeducation facility" in Wing Ding Wong and had all the political prisoners--er, I mean "students"-- gather in the courtyard. Then I personally shot them all one by one.
That always makes me feel better.
However, it is the events of game 6 that I find most troubling. How could that fool capitalist pig of a man, Steve Bartman, try to grab that ball? What in the name of Marx was he thinking? Didn't he realize that reaching out like that he would not only cost my beloved Cubs the game, but likely the entire series, and thereby prolong the curse of the goat? Not to mention pissing me off and bringing the world to the very edge of doom?
What a bonehead.
Anyway, once I am elected governor of California I shall have this "Bartman" kidnapped and brought before me in the new state capital of Berkeley.
That reminds me.... I really should schedule some campaign appearances. When is that election, anyway?

As most of you know, I am quite the atheist. In fact, all of us communist leader types are. There is simply no room for religion or concept of some higher being in our (nearly) Utopian societies.
However, I know that the western imperialists are big on that sort of thing. They've even come up with a "Ten Commandments" thing that was supposedly handed down by that god guy of theirs. And chief among those ten items is the "Thou shalt not kill" rule, which if adhered to, makes it damn hard to run a country.
Anyway, those Ten Commandments--and the Thou shalt not kill thing--are supposedly held dear by their religious leaders.
So imagine my surprise when I hear that Pat Robertson, one of their principle religious leaders, is advocating the slaughter of his own countrymen!! Yes, it's true!! He says he would like to use a nuclear bomb to blow up the state department!!
Hey, don't get mad at me. HE'S the one who said it!!
Anyway, if any of you run into Pat, feel free to give him my email address. If he's serious about looking for a nuclear bomb, I do have several available for sale. In fact, I'm getting to clear my inventory to make room for the new 2004 models.
Perhaps the two of us could work out a deal....

So when is that California recall election anyway? Next month? I should probably start scheduling some campaign appearances. This week is already booked pretty solid for me, so maybe I'll go to California next week.
Tonight I'm executing political prisoners. Then tomorrow I'm going to my uranium processing center in Dong Hung Lo. Thursday evening I'm volunteering as a candy striper at Our Great Leader Hospital Center. Oh, and then on Friday I have to get my hair done.
That's always an all day affair.

That's right, we're making even more nukes. You can never have enough of those things, you know. And can you believe the Japs are upset with me, saying I broke some kind of promise? Yeah, like I'm going to pay attention to anything they have to say.
You gotta watch the damn Japs, you know. Otherwise they'll invade you, like they did with us in 1940. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Hey, maybe we'll start renting our nukes out as "Japanese/imperialist repellants."

Yeah, that's right! I called Rumsfeld a psychopath. I'm sorry if that's just a tad too "harsh" for typical international diplomacy, but it's true. Plus, he's illiterate. And besides that, he doesn't know how to read or write!!
Oh, is Rummy offended? Gee, I'm sorry. What's he going to to do about it? Beat me up? Invade my country? Impose sanctions? I doubt it. Unlike that wuss Saddam, I've got nukes. And they're not buried out in the middle of some desert, either! I keep 'em right here in my office. One even doubles as a paperweight!
Granted, the delivery systems may not be worth crap, but I still got nukes.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

What is going on in California?
I had thought the election was scheduled for October 7. And while I haven't made any campaign appearances yet, I was also set to get my hair done so I could start doing so. But now some "court" thing has put the election on hold.
Now, unless I'm mistaken, the people of California, in accordance with the system of government they had established for themselves, had decided to hold this election. Am I right, or am I right?
So why in the name of Karl Marx is a court intervening? This court is not elected, as far as I know. So what business is of theirs?
Obviously, word had gotten out that I was surging in the polls, and this was the only way the capitalist pigs that secretly run most of the world could prevent my ultimate victory.
Between the Florida thing a couple of years ago, and now this California fiasco, it's obvious that democracy is a failed concept.
Guess that means we despots were right all along!!!

Some people seem surprised that I am permitting a South Korean company to build a car factory here in Wam Bam Bong. They think that it some how in violation of our coummunist ideas.
Nonsense!!
It is merely part of my evil strategy to infiltrate the south and conquer it from within. Our soldiers will hide in the trunks of the cars, and then at a pre-designated time emerge from the trunks!! Is that downright dastardly, or what?
Plus, the President of Hyundai promised me free hookers.

I may not need to resort to military force after all to achieve reunification of the Korean peninsula. My specially trained squad of 300 crack cheerleaders is doing that on their own. And the best thing about them is that I fathered every last one of them myself!

America has backed off somewhat on its demand that we dismantle our nuclear program. Of course, they claim it's because they want to give us humanitarian aid to help our starving citizens, but that's a lie. There is no starvation in North Korea. We are all very well fed! Our studies have repeatedly shown rat meat, tree bark, and rice to be a heart-healthy diet rich in calcium and fiber, and low in cholesterol. So we have more food than we know what to do with.
Seriously.
I swear!
The real reason the imperialist dogs have backed off their demands is that they are scared of us. And they should be! We have nukes, after all, and are not afraid to give them away To every Tom, Dick, and Osama who wants one! Indeed, we are a great and powerful nation fully capable of taking our rightful place on the world stage.
Say, that sandwich you're eating looks good. Can I have a bite?

It is becoming increasingly apparent that the capitalist west and its grossly inept and exploitive economic system is on the verge of total, absolute collapse. Even one of the United States most popular singers can no longer afford to fully clothe herself!!