Mooning the World

My apologies for not posting in so long, but I've been busy. And no, not with nuclear tests, but something much more ambitious:

Just Call me Mr. Nice Guy

Yeah, yeah. I know I posts are irregular, but so are my bowel movements. I just need to eat more fiber.... For the bowel movements, I mean. The posts can't be helped. My internet connection goes down more often than Paris Hilton.

Anyway, the big news this past week was that nuclear cooling tower we tore down. A lot of people think that was a pretty big deal. In fact, the United States went as far as to take North Korea off its terrorist nation list!

Don't worry. I'm not going soft. It's just that we've run out of room to store the nuclear weapons we've already built, and with the price of oil these days, no one can afford to buy the stupid things. And you know the economy's bad when even bloodthirsty terrorists are forced to institute cutbacks.

By the way, you know Bush has been criticizing the Democrats for wanting to talk to America's enemies? Well, how do you think we reached this agreement with the United States?

By the way, I understand the United States has been enduring massive flooding in their Midwest, and that millions of acres of crops have been ruined. Don't worry, though: If you Americans start enduring a famine, we'll be more than happy to bail you out.

Slip Of The Tongue

This anatomically correct picture should help explain why I'm so popular with the North Korean people.... Well, at least the female ones.

Democracy Sucks

Hugo Chávez is such an idiot. Now don't get me wrong; I consider him a friend. Heck, we even roomed together during the 2005 DespotCon at the Havana Hilton. I remember we teamed up for a water balloon fight against Than Shwe and the rest of the delegation from Myanmar, or Burma, or whatever the hell they're calling themselves these days. The hallway was soaked by the time we were done!! Then we all chipped in for some Cuban hookers.

Anyway, back to Chávez. I had warned him not to let his citizens vote on his effort to become President for life. It's that kind of stupidity that makes us dictators look like buffoons. But did he listen? No, of course not, and his proposal to abolish term limits was defeated.

Don't look for him to give up, though. Chávez' current term expires in 2013, but I'm sure he'll still find a way to stay in office. Declaring a state of emergency is always a good one, but I don't want to tell him how to do his job.

Many critics refer to North Korea as being "evil." How evil? Well, this guy has it exactly right:

I'm Ba-ack

First, let me apologize for not posting in such a long while. Our country is so poor that the capitalist pig bastards at Comcast cut off my internet access for nonpayment. However, the United Nations recently came through with some foreign aid intended to feed our starving population. I immediately put the money to better use by paying off my cable bill.... Plus, I had enough left over to add HBO!!

Anyway, one of the first things that caught my eye was a disturbing news item about my buddy, Hugo Chavez. It seems he's running into serious trouble with some constitutional reforms he's been trying to get his citizens to pass. Among those measures is one to rescind presidential term limits in Venezuela. According to a recent poll, only 31% of his subjects favor it while 45% are opposed.

Now don't get me wrong: I love Chavez.... Er, in a non-romantic man-love kind of way, I mean.... Though he does have a nice ass. Anyway, what I mean is, that while think Hugo is a great guy, he just doesn't have the chops to be taken seriously as a despot. He's too busy worrying about his stupid constitution.

It was my father who taught me that the mark of any great dictator is to just ignore the law when it doesn't suit your needs. Don't waste your time trying to change it, or spend money on lawyers to look for loopholes. Just do what you have to do, which usually involves shooting your political opponents.

You'd be amazed how quickly the survivors will start to see things your way!

My lovely peasant of a wife has written her annual Christmas letter. I normally like to keep such things a state secret, but someone at another website has already gotten their pig-like capitalist paws on it, so I may as well run the letter here to make it official.

In the meantime I will try to find out who released this important document to the western media and deal with them in my own way.... Just as soon as I borrow some polonium 210 from my buddy Vladimer Putin.

Dearest Family, Friends and Comrades,

Well, it’s hard to believe that another year has gone by.

Kimmy and I have had another great year. Especially Kimmy. Where should I begin? Let’s start with some of his accomplishments during his free time. In January he composed 32 operas. In February he pulled a nuclear armament train out of a ditch with his teeth and as springtime approached in April, he shot 17 holes in one on his first day out on the links. He would have had 18 but his caddy gave him the wrong club. Let’s just say he won’t be using that guy again (nor will anyone else) HA HA HA.

We had a lovely summer gardening. Kimmy especially enjoyed needling the Bushes throughout the year. We remodeled the palace and added another path from the main house to the swimming pool. Sadly, Kimmy slipped and fell on it. He now calls it the “Evil Access”. He is such a card. For the record, I told him not to wear his flip flops after it rains.

Even though we had time to relax, don’t think Kimmy spent the whole year goofing off. His accomplishments at work included ending all poverty, curing every disease known to man and establishing a utopian state for all his people. He likes to call North Korea the best kept secret in the whole world. In fact, he’s thinking of using that in our next advertising campaign to lure tourists. I suggested “More Bang For Your Buck” but you know how Kimmy is...he usually gets his way.

He just walked in the room so I have to go now. It seems that some of our neighbors have been on the phone complaining about the noise. (KILLJOYS!) By the way, if you’re planning on sending Kimmy any holiday gifts this year, please note that he’s now six foot six and has a swimmers build.

Cheers,


NAME REDACTED

Yes, I know I haven't posted in a while. But we've been busy for our so-called "missile test." And yes, we finally launched those little puppies yesterday.

But let me assure the whole world that we mean you no harm. That test launch was merely our contribution to America's Fourth of July festivities.

Those stupid Iranians are such a bunch of wusses!! It's people like them who give outlaw nations a bad name, and make the free world think that a little international pressure can make troublemakers behave in a responsible fashion.

In case you missed it: Last week President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his country was going to pull out of the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, international opinion be damned! But now the Iranians say they are NOT going to do that and will continue to abide by the terms of the agreement.

That kind of talk just makes me sick to my stomach.

Let me reassure you, my loyal socialist commie followers, that you will NEVER see me backing down in the face of international pressure to stop acting like a lunatic.

Sometimes people say to me, "Yo! Kim! You da man! Who you gonna blow up first now dat you gots da bomb?"

Well, I've actually given a lot of thought to that question, and I always give those people the same answer: "You. You have horrible diction. You speak worse English than Bush. How embarrassing is that!?!?!"

My second choice is no contest either: Omar al-Bashir of Sudan. I hate that son of a bitch.

Parade magazine just came out with it's annual list of the world's ten worst dictators, and al-Bashir is number one. Again. Second year in a row! And guess who's number two? Yes, me. Again, for the second year in a row.

Quite frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of him stealing my glory! I work hard to be a ruthless tyrant, and it's a real kick in the teeth to be told that I'm not good enough!

Damn it, I deserve to be number one!

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Kim, what do you do to relax when you're not busy oppressing your citizens, flipping the bird at rest of the world, and personally designing nuclear warheads to sell on the international black market?"

Well, I like to travel. For example, I just got back from a trip to China. And while there I also met with some American negotiators. Every now and then I like to give them false hope that we're ready to sit down and negotiate again.

But don't worry: I'll find some reason to cancel the talks again. I always do.

Sometimes people say communism has failed, and to them I say, "Nonsense!! By the way, are you going to finish that sandwich? We're starving over here." More importantly, capitalism run amok can be an ugly thing.