Yes, I know I haven't posted in a while. But we've been busy for our so-called "missile test." And yes, we finally launched those little puppies yesterday.

But let me assure the whole world that we mean you no harm. That test launch was merely our contribution to America's Fourth of July festivities.

Those stupid Iranians are such a bunch of wusses!! It's people like them who give outlaw nations a bad name, and make the free world think that a little international pressure can make troublemakers behave in a responsible fashion.

In case you missed it: Last week President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his country was going to pull out of the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, international opinion be damned! But now the Iranians say they are NOT going to do that and will continue to abide by the terms of the agreement.

That kind of talk just makes me sick to my stomach.

Let me reassure you, my loyal socialist commie followers, that you will NEVER see me backing down in the face of international pressure to stop acting like a lunatic.

Sometimes people say to me, "Yo! Kim! You da man! Who you gonna blow up first now dat you gots da bomb?"

Well, I've actually given a lot of thought to that question, and I always give those people the same answer: "You. You have horrible diction. You speak worse English than Bush. How embarrassing is that!?!?!"

My second choice is no contest either: Omar al-Bashir of Sudan. I hate that son of a bitch.

Parade magazine just came out with it's annual list of the world's ten worst dictators, and al-Bashir is number one. Again. Second year in a row! And guess who's number two? Yes, me. Again, for the second year in a row.

Quite frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of him stealing my glory! I work hard to be a ruthless tyrant, and it's a real kick in the teeth to be told that I'm not good enough!

Damn it, I deserve to be number one!

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Kim, what do you do to relax when you're not busy oppressing your citizens, flipping the bird at rest of the world, and personally designing nuclear warheads to sell on the international black market?"

Well, I like to travel. For example, I just got back from a trip to China. And while there I also met with some American negotiators. Every now and then I like to give them false hope that we're ready to sit down and negotiate again.

But don't worry: I'll find some reason to cancel the talks again. I always do.

Sometimes people say communism has failed, and to them I say, "Nonsense!! By the way, are you going to finish that sandwich? We're starving over here." More importantly, capitalism run amok can be an ugly thing.

IF someone wanted to launch a surprise nuclear attack against the United States, today would be the perfect time to do it. NORAD, which is responsible for protecting America against just such a threat, is busy tracking Santa Claus!

Of course, I would never EVER do such a thing.... Mainly because all our missiles tend to fall into the ocean three minutes after we launch them. That's still better than how it used to be, though. They used to blow up right on the damn pad and kill all the scientists. What a pain in the ass that always was!!! We'd end up having to send agents into South Korea and kidnap a new batch of scientists.

I know many people are afraid of me, or think I'm mad, or that I'm some sort of power-crazed maniac hellbent on destroying the world. And, well, yes, I guess I'm all of those things and more. But that doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun!

For example, I once had this cook. Nice guy. He even invited me to his wedding.... Not that he had a choice, though. Anyway, he got pretty wasted on cognac after the nuptials and eventually passed out cold.

When he awoke the next morning, I asked him if he had pubic hair. He seemed a little surprised by the question, but assured me he did. So then I suggested he step into the bathroom just to make sure. Well, needless to say, he did so and discovered that, in fact, his pubic hair was gone!!! Yes, that's right. After he passed out I shaved it all off for him. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

As you can plainly see, I can be quite wacky when I'm not busy killing people.

I knew that sooner or later all these "new freedoms" my friends in China have been experimenting with would backfire on them, and it's finally happened. There was a massive spill of toxic chemicals in Harbin, a city 600 miles northeast of Beijing.

Local government officials did their best to try to cover up the accident at a local chemical plant. But inconsiderate reporters, disobeying government orders, continued to ask probing questions and--GASP!!!--report on the facts. As a result, local residents are outraged at attempts to cover up the severity of the danger.

This is a perfect example of what can happen when you allow freedom of the press.

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I've been busy searching for a successor.

No, no, nothing to worry your pretty little capitalist heads over. I'm perfectly healthy. Still, I would like to eventually retire and travel a bit. For example, I've never been to Vegas, and I would love to see Celine Dione's show at Caesars Palace. But I can't very well do that if I'm busy running the world's most isolated and backwards nation while simultaneously striving to develop a respectable nuclear arsenal.

My father had it easy. I was always ambitious eager to learn the best techniques for thumbing one's nose at world opinion.... Though, quite frankly, Bush has me beat on that.

I have sons, but they are all such a bunch of losers. I haven't even seen my oldest boy, Kim Jong Nam, in years. He's overseas and supposedly being pursued by hitmen. He's 34.

Then there's Kim Jong Chol. Frankly, I have to wonder about his, er, "orientation." He seems a little "funny" to me. I have no solid evidence of this, but I've had my suspicions about him ever since I learned he has a subscription to Playgirl. He claims he just gets them for the articles, but I'm not so sure.

Finally, there's my youngest, Kim Jong Un. We keep him locked in the basement ever since that incident with the gerbils.

Anyway, I really should start grooming someone to take over. I would prefer to keep North Korea in the family, but I'm not sure if that will be possible.

Hmmmm.... Maybe I should start advertising on Monster.com.

I like to think I'm a people person, and I like to think I can get along with pretty much anyone.... Especially if they're willing to sell me plutonium. But if there's one kind of person that really gets under my skin, it's an ungrateful S.O.B. who just don't know how to express proper gratitude.

Case in point: Charles Robert Jenkins is an American soldier who was stationed in South Korea back in 1965. One day he decided, hey, I'm bored, so let's defect to North Korea! And that's exactly what he did!

For 39 years we fed this guy, gave him a place to live, and even provided him with a woman. So what does he do when he finally gets to leave? He turns around and calls his former host an "immense prison that defied all norms."

I'm sorry, but I think that is just plain rude.

Oh great! NOW I find out that the United States' military equipment in South Korea has fallen into disrepair. Many of their tanks, Bradley Fighting Vehicles, and Humvees are suffering from broken down engines, faulty transmissions, and cracked gun turrets. And because all the spare parts are being diverted to Iraq, the arms in Korea have no prospect of being fixed any time soon.

I wish I had known about this sooner. Then I could taken advantage of the situation and reunited with my brothers in the south who are yearning to shed the oppressive yoke of capitalism, give up their silly Ipods, and breath the oppressive air of a dictatorship!

We old line commies are becoming few and far in between. In fact, I'm guessing Cuba's Castro and myself are the last two left (and no, I'm NOT counting the Chinese). For years it has been understood that Fidel's brother Raul would succeed him when the time comes.

Now comes word that the United States already has "plans" to insure a smooth transition to one of those democracy things when Fidel finally does croak.

It's nice of the Americans to go around forcing their system of government on other countries. After all, the transition to democracy and freedom has certainly gone with remarkable smoothness in Iraq, hasn't it?