I may not be a big believer in democracy, but this guy certainly has my vote.

---------------Scott Adams, Dilbert

There are some VERY nasty rumors going around about me and my hair. Specifically, some imperialist running dogs are suggesting that I am, er, going bald. They point to a recent photo of me hugging the President of China.

Nothing could be further from the truth. That particular phot was just taken from a bad angle. Plus, I just finished a very long train ride and was still somewhat disheveled from the trip. So unless you're prepared to swear that YOUR hair doesn't look funny in the mornings, I would suggest you keep your petty gossip to yourself.

Not only am I as manly and virile as ever, I have nukes! Several of them, in fact. So don't be pissing me off.

Many people seem surprised by our request for outside help in dealing with the recent rail disaster. Well, they shouldn't be. I am big enough to admit that we can't handle it on our own. After all, I must do what is best for my beloved citizens.

Besides, while those United Nations people are off digging through rubble in a fruitless search for survivors, my army will be going through their personal supplies looking for food.

As it turns out, less than 200 people died in that explosion.

Guess that means we'll need even more food sent to us.

I would just like to assure all my supporters throughout the world that while thousands of people may have died, I'm perfectly fine. And really, that's what matters.

I'm in China to blackmail.... Er, I mean "hold talks" with various nations who are seeking to take away my precious little nukes.

I'm also hoping to pick up several million metric tons of food from the Chinese. My only complaint about their food is that no matter how much they give us, an hour later we're starving to death again.

Anyone with any remaining doubts that capitalism is in its death throes needs to read this article.

I'm sure many of you have heard about how American companies are sending their jobs overseas, where company owners can exploit workers for much less money. And If that's not bad enough, the American workers are being told that they're losing their jobs, then they're being asked to train their replacements!!!

Sometimes a lot can be lost in translation, and misunderstandings may easily result. This is a perfect example of what I mean.

China's foreign minister, Li Zhaoxing, just finished up a meeting with me. He told the world that he came here to discuss "nuclear proliferation," moving towards peace, and stupid crap like that. But he's really just saying that so that China can become a respected member of the international community.

But what he really came here for was the hookers.

We've got the best in Asia.

South Korea's President Roh has been impeached and removed from office. His subjects are not very happy about this turn of events and are protesting the move.

Such turmoil in my capitalist controlled neighbor is making me excited!! I may have to personally go over there--with a couple of million of my troops, of course--and personally restore order.

My original foray into American politics was, well, less than successful. I'm referring, of course, to my run for Governor of California last year. Quite frankly, once Arnold Whatshisname entered the race, I knew there was no sense in my staying in. After all, I don't want people to think I'm crazy!

However, I can not stand by casually on the sidelines during this far more important Presidential campaign. I, and my fellow America haters throughout the remaining communist world, other oppressed nations, and the greater metropolitan San Francisco/Berkeley areas realize that George W. Bush must be defeated.

That is why I am formally endorsing John Kerry for President. I urge all of you Jane Fonda and Michael Moore wannabes to vote Democratic this fall.

Yes, I stole the above photo from Little Tiny Lies. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you take it up with the United Nations.

And tell 'em to send us another million metric tons of grain--we're starving over here!

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and those misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!

HA!!

Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais with the sunroofs and air conditioning. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

I am very disappointed in Jean-Bertrand Aristide. Granted, he started off with the backing of the United States, but to his credit, he did fix the Parliamentary elections a few years ago. That's a big plus, in my book.

But when his people started protesting, he just sat there. Why didn't he institute a bloody crackdown? Oh, wait, now I remember: He had disbanded his army!! What a moron!! How can you be a dictator without a frikkin' army to back you up!!

That's exactly why the International Brotherhood of Bloodthirsty Despots (IBBD) rejected his membership application a few months ago.

Still, this revolt he was facing had potential. If Aristide had remained in power, many more people would have died as the rebels fought to capture Port-au-Prince. Of course, Aristide would have ultimately been captured and killed, of course, but at least it would have been fun to watch the battle!

So what's the poor sap doing now? He's in exile, claiming the United States kidnapped him!! What cajones!

I can't help but admire that kind of ingratitude.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and our misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!

HA!!

Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

Anonymous readers (and I can't imagine why they don't want to be publicly associated with me) have recently notified me of two wonderful pieces of news.

First, Parade Magazine--a highly respected weekly news publication often confused with advertising inserts--has once again named me the world's best dictator!!! I was at the top of their list last year, too, even beating out Saddam. Of course, he is no longer on this year's top ten.

What a loser!

And secondly, we North Koreans have been named Americans' least favorite foreign nationality in a recent Gallup poll. What a wild, unexpected coincidence!

I can't stand North Koreans either!!!

Though I have been a long time of HBO's Sex in the City, I was horribly disappointed in the series finale. Quite frankly, I was hoping for a climactic group lesbian sex scene involving Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.

However, I can certainly understand why Carrie left Aleksandr and went back to Mr. Big. Russians have been well known for their tiny penises ever since Mikhail Gorbachev allowed the Soviet Union to collapse on his watch.

We North Koreans, on the other hand, are famous for our "trouser dragons of doom."

And stand back when they start spewing fire!

Now I know I have a reputation for being somewhat "wacky," or "eccentric," or "a complete and utter loon." The particulars vary depending on who you talk to, but you get the idea. And if it's of any comfort to you, it turns out I'm NOT the craziest person in North Korea!!!

There's a book called The Third World War which lays out a frightening scenario for Armageddon. And it all starts right here with little ol' me!! Now normally such talk would make me feel warm and fuzzy all over, except for one little detail: In the book a General of mine seizes power and accuses moi of appeasement. Missiles are exchanged, Japan gets drawn into the conflict, Pakistan and India blow one another up, and things get REALLY ugly from there.

So I guess the Americans better be careful when they talk about forcing a "regime change" in North Korea: The person who takes over from me might actually be even more of a wacko!

Remember: Not all regime changes will go as smoothly as the one in Iraq.

People sometimes ask me, "Mr. Kim, you are such a busy despot, with many demands on your time. How do you relax?"

Well, whenever I'm feeling I little harried, I like to go hang out at the Demilitarized Zone.

WHOA!!! I am really partied out. In case you missed it, which is an offense punishable by death, today was my 62nd birthday. And my people showed their love and devotion for me by holding parades and ceremonies throughout this glorious land!!! Many people gave me lots of wonderful gifts, including a Sony Play Station, which I plan to hook up just as soon as we get the electricity up and running again.

But my favorite gift came from my top generals, who really know how to suck up to a tyrant: A fresh batch of kidnapped Japanese women!!! I'm so happy I could just burst!!

Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be giving Little Kim a BIG workout, if you catch my drift! I just hope I remember to come up for air this time....