I'm sure some of you capitalist losers continue to believe that your pathetic system is somehow better than my brand of communism. And you would probably just laugh at me when I say that capitalism feeds off the greed of its followers. "Ah, but there's nothing wrong with that," you would no doubt answer between your ignorant guffaws. "That's what we call 'economic incentive.'"
Well, fine, laugh it up. But let me say that your so-called "economic incentives" is nothing more than greed by a fancy name. And it KILLS!!!!
If you doubt me, look at this story. A woman in a Wal-Mart was trampled by a mob trying to buy DVD players that were on sale for $49.95! How cold and heartless is that!?!
That is why our way of life is vastly superior to the greed-driven lifestyle of western societies: Not only can none of our citizens afford DVD players--on sale or not--but they are so ignorant that they don't even KNOW what a DVD player is!!
I rest my case.

Today was the 75th anniversary of that capitalist symbol, Mickey Mouse. How appropriate that a giant, overgrown rodent should come to symbolize a system that feeds off the waste of humanity.
Oh, sure! Mickey started off cute, adorable, and lovable. Many novelties are like that in the beginning, until people realize that there's really nothing there. Despite his early successes--or perhaps because of them--wealth soon began to corrupt Mickey and his small cadre of animated, exploitive friends. Then one day he came home early and discovered that his wife was f*cking Goofy. That's when his existance began to fall apart.
The rodent soon turned to alcohol and prescription drug abuse, and much like a cartoon version of Rush Limbaugh, his life went into a downward spiral.
All in all, a fitting example of the evils of capitalism.

Did he say Marx and Engles? Hmm.... I'll have to be sure to set my TiVO to record that.

So who's acting?

I guess I can't get anything past the American intelligence services. Apparently their Central Imperialist Agency has finally figured out that I probably have a nuclear bomb. Well, it's about time! I've been threatening and blathering and issuing threatening remarks for the last year and they're only NOW figuring this out?!?!
On the other hand, why should this surprise me? These are the same people that said Iraq was positively bristling with weapons of mass destruction.

The secret is in asking nicely.

Once again, the world is witness to the double standards of the capitalist controlled Bush administration. During the last week, the sun has been rocked by massive explosions. And not just run of the mill teeny tiny dynamite explosions, either. We're talking huge nuclear explosions, more powerful than even all of the Earth's nukes combined could ever produce!!
But does the Bush administration condemn the sun's production of nuclear weapons? Does the Bush administration call on the international community to impose sanctions against the sun? Does the Bush administration run crying to the United Nation to pass some stupid resolution that isn't worth the paper it's printed on?
NO, of course not!!
But if little ol' me were to blow up one of MY nukes, Bush would be all over me like stink on a starving dog being cooked as someone's dinner!
It's just not fair.

There's an old saying: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean you're crazy.
Well, okay, maybe sometimes, but not always.

----------Tony Auth, Philadelphia Inquirer

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Dear Beloved Leader, what do you do when you're not threatening the imperialist running dogs of the corrupted capitalist world with instant fiery nuclear annihilation if they dare f*ck with us?" That's actually a very good, insightful question, considering that its coming from uneducated, illiterate rice farmers.
Well, for one thing, I'm a HUGE baseball fan, especially of the Chicago Cubs. I have fervently followed the team with great interest since I was a wee Dear-Leader-In-Training. So you can imagine my disappointment when they lost game 7 to the Florida Marlins. Obiviously, they were pressured to lose, since the governor of Florida just happens to be the brother of the President of the United States.
After I finished lamenting their loss, I felt I had to do something enjoyable to take my mind off the fiasco. After some consideration, I went to the "reeducation facility" in Wing Ding Wong and had all the political prisoners--er, I mean "students"-- gather in the courtyard. Then I personally shot them all one by one.
That always makes me feel better.
However, it is the events of game 6 that I find most troubling. How could that fool capitalist pig of a man, Steve Bartman, try to grab that ball? What in the name of Marx was he thinking? Didn't he realize that reaching out like that he would not only cost my beloved Cubs the game, but likely the entire series, and thereby prolong the curse of the goat? Not to mention pissing me off and bringing the world to the very edge of doom?
What a bonehead.
Anyway, once I am elected governor of California I shall have this "Bartman" kidnapped and brought before me in the new state capital of Berkeley.
That reminds me.... I really should schedule some campaign appearances. When is that election, anyway?

As most of you know, I am quite the atheist. In fact, all of us communist leader types are. There is simply no room for religion or concept of some higher being in our (nearly) Utopian societies.
However, I know that the western imperialists are big on that sort of thing. They've even come up with a "Ten Commandments" thing that was supposedly handed down by that god guy of theirs. And chief among those ten items is the "Thou shalt not kill" rule, which if adhered to, makes it damn hard to run a country.
Anyway, those Ten Commandments--and the Thou shalt not kill thing--are supposedly held dear by their religious leaders.
So imagine my surprise when I hear that Pat Robertson, one of their principle religious leaders, is advocating the slaughter of his own countrymen!! Yes, it's true!! He says he would like to use a nuclear bomb to blow up the state department!!
Hey, don't get mad at me. HE'S the one who said it!!
Anyway, if any of you run into Pat, feel free to give him my email address. If he's serious about looking for a nuclear bomb, I do have several available for sale. In fact, I'm getting to clear my inventory to make room for the new 2004 models.
Perhaps the two of us could work out a deal....

So when is that California recall election anyway? Next month? I should probably start scheduling some campaign appearances. This week is already booked pretty solid for me, so maybe I'll go to California next week.
Tonight I'm executing political prisoners. Then tomorrow I'm going to my uranium processing center in Dong Hung Lo. Thursday evening I'm volunteering as a candy striper at Our Great Leader Hospital Center. Oh, and then on Friday I have to get my hair done.
That's always an all day affair.

That's right, we're making even more nukes. You can never have enough of those things, you know. And can you believe the Japs are upset with me, saying I broke some kind of promise? Yeah, like I'm going to pay attention to anything they have to say.
You gotta watch the damn Japs, you know. Otherwise they'll invade you, like they did with us in 1940. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Hey, maybe we'll start renting our nukes out as "Japanese/imperialist repellants."

Yeah, that's right! I called Rumsfeld a psychopath. I'm sorry if that's just a tad too "harsh" for typical international diplomacy, but it's true. Plus, he's illiterate. And besides that, he doesn't know how to read or write!!
Oh, is Rummy offended? Gee, I'm sorry. What's he going to to do about it? Beat me up? Invade my country? Impose sanctions? I doubt it. Unlike that wuss Saddam, I've got nukes. And they're not buried out in the middle of some desert, either! I keep 'em right here in my office. One even doubles as a paperweight!
Granted, the delivery systems may not be worth crap, but I still got nukes.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

What is going on in California?
I had thought the election was scheduled for October 7. And while I haven't made any campaign appearances yet, I was also set to get my hair done so I could start doing so. But now some "court" thing has put the election on hold.
Now, unless I'm mistaken, the people of California, in accordance with the system of government they had established for themselves, had decided to hold this election. Am I right, or am I right?
So why in the name of Karl Marx is a court intervening? This court is not elected, as far as I know. So what business is of theirs?
Obviously, word had gotten out that I was surging in the polls, and this was the only way the capitalist pigs that secretly run most of the world could prevent my ultimate victory.
Between the Florida thing a couple of years ago, and now this California fiasco, it's obvious that democracy is a failed concept.
Guess that means we despots were right all along!!!

Some people seem surprised that I am permitting a South Korean company to build a car factory here in Wam Bam Bong. They think that it some how in violation of our coummunist ideas.
Nonsense!!
It is merely part of my evil strategy to infiltrate the south and conquer it from within. Our soldiers will hide in the trunks of the cars, and then at a pre-designated time emerge from the trunks!! Is that downright dastardly, or what?
Plus, the President of Hyundai promised me free hookers.

I may not need to resort to military force after all to achieve reunification of the Korean peninsula. My specially trained squad of 300 crack cheerleaders is doing that on their own. And the best thing about them is that I fathered every last one of them myself!

America has backed off somewhat on its demand that we dismantle our nuclear program. Of course, they claim it's because they want to give us humanitarian aid to help our starving citizens, but that's a lie. There is no starvation in North Korea. We are all very well fed! Our studies have repeatedly shown rat meat, tree bark, and rice to be a heart-healthy diet rich in calcium and fiber, and low in cholesterol. So we have more food than we know what to do with.
Seriously.
I swear!
The real reason the imperialist dogs have backed off their demands is that they are scared of us. And they should be! We have nukes, after all, and are not afraid to give them away To every Tom, Dick, and Osama who wants one! Indeed, we are a great and powerful nation fully capable of taking our rightful place on the world stage.
Say, that sandwich you're eating looks good. Can I have a bite?

It is becoming increasingly apparent that the capitalist west and its grossly inept and exploitive economic system is on the verge of total, absolute collapse. Even one of the United States most popular singers can no longer afford to fully clothe herself!!

I must confess that I am finding this democracy stuff very confusing. For example, my chief opponent, Arnold Schwarzenegger, has been criticized for his exploits with group sex!
Well, okay, but why? What does THAT have to do with your ability to govern, balance a budget, imprison those opposed to you, and build nuclear warheads for worldwide distribution to the highest bidder? Quite frankly, there IS no connection that I can see between one's sex life and any other aspect of your abilities as a leader. Besides, it would seem to me that any male able to boink a whole bunch of chicks in rapid succession actually PROVES that he is a worthy man!!
I suspect this whole controversy has something to do with what they call morality, a concept that is totally alien to me. The so-called voters claim that they are disturbed by leaders who perform IMmoral acts, but I suspect that the REAL problem is that they are jealous when the leader gets more babes!
I know that's certainly true in my case. Sure, the other world leaders claim they hate me because of my nukes, but really it's all the chicks streaming in and out of my bed chambers.

----------KAL, Baltimore Sun