Kim's Commie Manifesto

Mooning the World

2009-02-16T07:40:00.002+09:00

My apologies for not posting in so long, but I've been busy. And no, not with nuclear tests, but something much more ambitious:

Just Call me Mr. Nice Guy

2008-06-29T09:10:00.002+09:00

Yeah, yeah. I know I posts are irregular, but so are my bowel movements. I just need to eat more fiber.... For the bowel movements, I mean. The posts can't be helped. My internet connection goes down more often than Paris Hilton.

Anyway, the big news this past week was that nuclear cooling tower we tore down. A lot of people think that was a pretty big deal. In fact, the United States went as far as to take North Korea off its terrorist nation list!

Don't worry. I'm not going soft. It's just that we've run out of room to store the nuclear weapons we've already built, and with the price of oil these days, no one can afford to buy the stupid things. And you know the economy's bad when even bloodthirsty terrorists are forced to institute cutbacks.

By the way, you know Bush has been criticizing the Democrats for wanting to talk to America's enemies? Well, how do you think we reached this agreement with the United States?

By the way, I understand the United States has been enduring massive flooding in their Midwest, and that millions of acres of crops have been ruined. Don't worry, though: If you Americans start enduring a famine, we'll be more than happy to bail you out.

2008-02-28T21:30:00.000+09:00

Slip Of The Tongue

2007-12-31T11:02:00.000+09:00

This anatomically correct picture should help explain why I'm so popular with the North Korean people.... Well, at least the female ones.

Democracy Sucks

2007-12-05T07:34:00.000+09:00

Hugo Chávez is such an idiot. Now don't get me wrong; I consider him a friend. Heck, we even roomed together during the 2005 DespotCon at the Havana Hilton. I remember we teamed up for a water balloon fight against Than Shwe and the rest of the delegation from Myanmar, or Burma, or whatever the hell they're calling themselves these days. The hallway was soaked by the time we were done!! Then we all chipped in for some Cuban hookers.

Anyway, back to Chávez. I had warned him not to let his citizens vote on his effort to become President for life. It's that kind of stupidity that makes us dictators look like buffoons. But did he listen? No, of course not, and his proposal to abolish term limits was defeated.

Don't look for him to give up, though. Chávez' current term expires in 2013, but I'm sure he'll still find a way to stay in office. Declaring a state of emergency is always a good one, but I don't want to tell him how to do his job.

2007-12-02T11:20:00.001+09:00

2007-11-26T05:44:00.001+09:00

Many critics refer to North Korea as being "evil." How evil? Well, this guy has it exactly right:

I'm Ba-ack

2007-11-25T11:02:00.000+09:00

First, let me apologize for not posting in such a long while. Our country is so poor that the capitalist pig bastards at Comcast cut off my internet access for nonpayment. However, the United Nations recently came through with some foreign aid intended to feed our starving population. I immediately put the money to better use by paying off my cable bill.... Plus, I had enough left over to add HBO!!

Anyway, one of the first things that caught my eye was a disturbing news item about my buddy, Hugo Chavez. It seems he's running into serious trouble with some constitutional reforms he's been trying to get his citizens to pass. Among those measures is one to rescind presidential term limits in Venezuela. According to a recent poll, only 31% of his subjects favor it while 45% are opposed.

Now don't get me wrong: I love Chavez.... Er, in a non-romantic man-love kind of way, I mean.... Though he does have a nice ass. Anyway, what I mean is, that while think Hugo is a great guy, he just doesn't have the chops to be taken seriously as a despot. He's too busy worrying about his stupid constitution.

It was my father who taught me that the mark of any great dictator is to just ignore the law when it doesn't suit your needs. Don't waste your time trying to change it, or spend money on lawyers to look for loopholes. Just do what you have to do, which usually involves shooting your political opponents.

You'd be amazed how quickly the survivors will start to see things your way!

2007-02-17T08:57:00.000+09:00

2007-01-04T04:39:00.000+09:00

2006-12-19T19:09:00.000+09:00

My lovely peasant of a wife has written her annual Christmas letter. I normally like to keep such things a state secret, but someone at another website has already gotten their pig-like capitalist paws on it, so I may as well run the letter here to make it official.

In the meantime I will try to find out who released this important document to the western media and deal with them in my own way.... Just as soon as I borrow some polonium 210 from my buddy Vladimer Putin.

Dearest Family, Friends and Comrades,

Well, it’s hard to believe that another year has gone by.

Kimmy and I have had another great year. Especially Kimmy. Where should I begin? Let’s start with some of his accomplishments during his free time. In January he composed 32 operas. In February he pulled a nuclear armament train out of a ditch with his teeth and as springtime approached in April, he shot 17 holes in one on his first day out on the links. He would have had 18 but his caddy gave him the wrong club. Let’s just say he won’t be using that guy again (nor will anyone else) HA HA HA.

We had a lovely summer gardening. Kimmy especially enjoyed needling the Bushes throughout the year. We remodeled the palace and added another path from the main house to the swimming pool. Sadly, Kimmy slipped and fell on it. He now calls it the “Evil Access”. He is such a card. For the record, I told him not to wear his flip flops after it rains.

Even though we had time to relax, don’t think Kimmy spent the whole year goofing off. His accomplishments at work included ending all poverty, curing every disease known to man and establishing a utopian state for all his people. He likes to call North Korea the best kept secret in the whole world. In fact, he’s thinking of using that in our next advertising campaign to lure tourists. I suggested “More Bang For Your Buck” but you know how Kimmy is...he usually gets his way.

He just walked in the room so I have to go now. It seems that some of our neighbors have been on the phone complaining about the noise. (KILLJOYS!) By the way, if you’re planning on sending Kimmy any holiday gifts this year, please note that he’s now six foot six and has a swimmers build.

Cheers,

NAME REDACTED

2006-07-16T10:46:00.000+09:00

2006-07-08T09:57:00.000+09:00

2006-07-05T10:07:00.000+09:00

Yes, I know I haven't posted in a while. But we've been busy for our so-called "missile test." And yes, we finally launched those little puppies yesterday.

But let me assure the whole world that we mean you no harm. That test launch was merely our contribution to America's Fourth of July festivities.

2006-02-13T00:31:00.000+09:00

Those stupid Iranians are such a bunch of wusses!! It's people like them who give outlaw nations a bad name, and make the free world think that a little international pressure can make troublemakers behave in a responsible fashion.

In case you missed it: Last week President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his country was going to pull out of the nuclear non-proliferation treaty, international opinion be damned! But now the Iranians say they are NOT going to do that and will continue to abide by the terms of the agreement.

That kind of talk just makes me sick to my stomach.

Let me reassure you, my loyal socialist commie followers, that you will NEVER see me backing down in the face of international pressure to stop acting like a lunatic.

2006-02-06T10:17:00.000+09:00

2006-01-26T08:25:00.000+09:00

Sometimes people say to me, "Yo! Kim! You da man! Who you gonna blow up first now dat you gots da bomb?"

Well, I've actually given a lot of thought to that question, and I always give those people the same answer: "You. You have horrible diction. You speak worse English than Bush. How embarrassing is that!?!?!"

My second choice is no contest either: Omar al-Bashir of Sudan. I hate that son of a bitch.

Parade magazine just came out with it's annual list of the world's ten worst dictators, and al-Bashir is number one. Again. Second year in a row! And guess who's number two? Yes, me. Again, for the second year in a row.

Quite frankly, I'm getting sick and tired of him stealing my glory! I work hard to be a ruthless tyrant, and it's a real kick in the teeth to be told that I'm not good enough!

Damn it, I deserve to be number one!

2006-01-19T08:43:00.000+09:00

People sometimes say to me, "Mr. Kim, what do you do to relax when you're not busy oppressing your citizens, flipping the bird at rest of the world, and personally designing nuclear warheads to sell on the international black market?"

Well, I like to travel. For example, I just got back from a trip to China. And while there I also met with some American negotiators. Every now and then I like to give them false hope that we're ready to sit down and negotiate again.

But don't worry: I'll find some reason to cancel the talks again. I always do.

2006-01-12T21:54:00.000+09:00

Sometimes people say communism has failed, and to them I say, "Nonsense!! By the way, are you going to finish that sandwich? We're starving over here." More importantly, capitalism run amok can be an ugly thing.

2005-12-31T05:04:00.000+09:00

2005-12-25T09:28:00.000+09:00

IF someone wanted to launch a surprise nuclear attack against the United States, today would be the perfect time to do it. NORAD, which is responsible for protecting America against just such a threat, is busy tracking Santa Claus!

Of course, I would never EVER do such a thing.... Mainly because all our missiles tend to fall into the ocean three minutes after we launch them. That's still better than how it used to be, though. They used to blow up right on the damn pad and kill all the scientists. What a pain in the ass that always was!!! We'd end up having to send agents into South Korea and kidnap a new batch of scientists.

2005-12-21T12:27:00.000+09:00

I know many people are afraid of me, or think I'm mad, or that I'm some sort of power-crazed maniac hellbent on destroying the world. And, well, yes, I guess I'm all of those things and more. But that doesn't mean I don't know how to have fun!

For example, I once had this cook. Nice guy. He even invited me to his wedding.... Not that he had a choice, though. Anyway, he got pretty wasted on cognac after the nuptials and eventually passed out cold.

When he awoke the next morning, I asked him if he had pubic hair. He seemed a little surprised by the question, but assured me he did. So then I suggested he step into the bathroom just to make sure. Well, needless to say, he did so and discovered that, in fact, his pubic hair was gone!!! Yes, that's right. After he passed out I shaved it all off for him. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

As you can plainly see, I can be quite wacky when I'm not busy killing people.

2005-12-04T01:46:00.000+09:00

2005-11-26T22:19:00.000+09:00

I knew that sooner or later all these "new freedoms" my friends in China have been experimenting with would backfire on them, and it's finally happened. There was a massive spill of toxic chemicals in Harbin, a city 600 miles northeast of Beijing.

Local government officials did their best to try to cover up the accident at a local chemical plant. But inconsiderate reporters, disobeying government orders, continued to ask probing questions and--GASP!!!--report on the facts. As a result, local residents are outraged at attempts to cover up the severity of the danger.

This is a perfect example of what can happen when you allow freedom of the press.

2005-11-17T10:10:00.000+09:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, but I've been busy searching for a successor.

No, no, nothing to worry your pretty little capitalist heads over. I'm perfectly healthy. Still, I would like to eventually retire and travel a bit. For example, I've never been to Vegas, and I would love to see Celine Dione's show at Caesars Palace. But I can't very well do that if I'm busy running the world's most isolated and backwards nation while simultaneously striving to develop a respectable nuclear arsenal.

My father had it easy. I was always ambitious eager to learn the best techniques for thumbing one's nose at world opinion.... Though, quite frankly, Bush has me beat on that.

I have sons, but they are all such a bunch of losers. I haven't even seen my oldest boy, Kim Jong Nam, in years. He's overseas and supposedly being pursued by hitmen. He's 34.

Then there's Kim Jong Chol. Frankly, I have to wonder about his, er, "orientation." He seems a little "funny" to me. I have no solid evidence of this, but I've had my suspicions about him ever since I learned he has a subscription to Playgirl. He claims he just gets them for the articles, but I'm not so sure.

Finally, there's my youngest, Kim Jong Un. We keep him locked in the basement ever since that incident with the gerbils.

Anyway, I really should start grooming someone to take over. I would prefer to keep North Korea in the family, but I'm not sure if that will be possible.

Hmmmm.... Maybe I should start advertising on Monster.com.

2005-10-30T20:15:00.000+09:00

2005-10-21T08:15:00.000+09:00

I like to think I'm a people person, and I like to think I can get along with pretty much anyone.... Especially if they're willing to sell me plutonium. But if there's one kind of person that really gets under my skin, it's an ungrateful S.O.B. who just don't know how to express proper gratitude.

Case in point: Charles Robert Jenkins is an American soldier who was stationed in South Korea back in 1965. One day he decided, hey, I'm bored, so let's defect to North Korea! And that's exactly what he did!

For 39 years we fed this guy, gave him a place to live, and even provided him with a woman. So what does he do when he finally gets to leave? He turns around and calls his former host an "immense prison that defied all norms."

I'm sorry, but I think that is just plain rude.

2005-10-11T10:16:00.000+09:00

2005-10-09T06:18:00.000+09:00

Oh great! NOW I find out that the United States' military equipment in South Korea has fallen into disrepair. Many of their tanks, Bradley Fighting Vehicles, and Humvees are suffering from broken down engines, faulty transmissions, and cracked gun turrets. And because all the spare parts are being diverted to Iraq, the arms in Korea have no prospect of being fixed any time soon.

I wish I had known about this sooner. Then I could taken advantage of the situation and reunited with my brothers in the south who are yearning to shed the oppressive yoke of capitalism, give up their silly Ipods, and breath the oppressive air of a dictatorship!

2005-10-03T21:19:00.000+09:00

We old line commies are becoming few and far in between. In fact, I'm guessing Cuba's Castro and myself are the last two left (and no, I'm NOT counting the Chinese). For years it has been understood that Fidel's brother Raul would succeed him when the time comes.

Now comes word that the United States already has "plans" to insure a smooth transition to one of those democracy things when Fidel finally does croak.

It's nice of the Americans to go around forcing their system of government on other countries. After all, the transition to democracy and freedom has certainly gone with remarkable smoothness in Iraq, hasn't it?

2005-09-22T20:33:00.000+09:00

2005-09-20T10:41:00.000+09:00

By now most of you have no doubt heard about our pledge to abandon our nuclear weapons program. But before any of you jump to conclusions and accuse me going soft, keep in mind that this isn't the first time we've made such a promise.

We like to do it every few years, and the stupid Americans fall for it every damn time. Besides, I'm starting to feel sorry for Bush. I mean, have you seen how thoroughly he's f*cked up his country? So I thought I've give the poor man some good news for a change.

I may be a maniacal commie tyrant, but at least I'm a compassionate maniacal commie tyrant.

2005-09-18T11:34:00.000+09:00

It's an exciting time here in North Korea. We've just introduced our first credit card!! Needless to say, this is something our people have long looked forward to, and it ushers in the dawn of a glorious new day for our nation.

Now if only our people had enough money to actually buy something, then we'd really have it made!

2005-09-14T09:24:00.000+09:00

Scientists have detected a massive explosion some 12 billion light years from Earth. Now I know what many of you are thinking: That I was somehow behind it.

Well, I can't lie to my regular readers. I respect both of you too much.

The truth of the matter is that, well, um, yes, I was. It was my country, er, testing one of our many warheads. As you can see, the test was quite successful to be detectable halfway across the universe!

So you people had better start being nice to us. Some food would be nice.

2005-08-30T07:38:00.000+09:00

Yesterday we captured two South Korean fishing trawlers but then released them. Some people may be surprised that we didn't hold the crewmembers longer, accuse them of being capitalist spies, execute them, create an international incident, and bring the world to the brink of a nuclear holocaust that would have killed billions of people.

There was no need for that. We just wanted the fish.

2005-08-25T06:53:00.000+09:00

Those stupid Iranians are a bunch of wimps and pussies!!! I am genuinely insulted to be categorized in the same "Axis of Evil" as those losers!

If you haven't heard, there is new evidence that the traces of uranium found in Iran actually came from contaminated equipment that Pakistan sold them a few years ago. If true, this would seem to indicate that the Iranians have been telling the truth all along and are genuinely interested in pursuing nuclear power only as a peaceful power source.

It's people like that that give us rogue nations a bad name.

So let me take this opportunity to assure all of you out there that we here in the Democratic Republic of Korea--or whatever the hell our formal name is--are most certainly NOT interested in the peaceful pursuit of nuclear technology. More importantly, I really am a mentally unstable psychopath hellbent on selling atomic warheads to the highest bidder on eBay.

So are you scared now? Are you crapping your pants out of terror.... Or is that because of some other undiagnosed medical condition? Whatever the reason, it's disgusting, and you should be thoroughly embarrassed.

So give us aid, or we'll build even more bombs to scare you with.

2005-08-22T08:48:00.000+09:00

Everyone's in a tizzy that we restarted our reactor at Yongbyon. Well, of course we did, and don't you love the way we abuse the hell out of the letter "Y?" It's our favorite letter in the alphabet, of course.... Which is all the more remarkable since our alphabet looks nothing like yours, and contains nothing that looks even remotely like a "y."

But back to the topic at hand: Of course we restarted the reactor. We need the freakin' electricity, for crying out loud! Besides, it gets scary sitting here in the dark at night. And all those secret tunnels we have dug into the South need to be lit 24/7 for when we launch our surprise attack.... Assuming we can ever get any of our 40 year old surplus Soviet tanks running again.

True, we could always pull those graphite rods out of the reactor and turn them into weapons grade material, but we won't as long as you give us some food. A few hundred thousand bushels of wheat will be a nice start....

Plus a pizza for little ol' me.... With extra cheese.... And Sausage and pepperoni.... And mushrooms.... And onions.

I only sleep with paid hookers, so they're not likely to complain about my breath.

2005-08-14T19:47:00.000+09:00

Yes, it's true. I did say that my country does NOT have a nuclear weapons program, and that we are willing to agree to inspections to prove it.

But before you panic and erroneously conclude that I have suddenly developed a streak of sanity, don't worry: I'll be changing my mind again before long and go back to saber rattling!

You know the old saying, don't you? "Changing your mind is a despot's prerogative."

2005-08-12T08:14:00.000+09:00

Some protestors have taken advantage of the publicity generated by the recent Hiroshima and Nagasaki anniversaries to call for a worldwide ban on nuclear weapons. Personally, I'm all in favor of such a ban.

What? You're surprised?

Well, you shouldn't be. It's kind of like that old bumpersticker: "If nuclear weapons are outlawed, only outlaws will have nuclear weapons." And needless to say, I would be one of the outlaws! That's the type of thing that would help our bargaining position when negotiating for donations of food.

Let's see Bush try to push me around once I'm the world's sole remaining superpower!

2005-08-01T08:01:00.000+09:00

2005-07-20T11:26:00.000+09:00

The United States has announced that it will begin producing plutonium 238 for its space program.

Well, that hardly seems fair. Why is it okay for them to do it, but if I do it, half the world is condemning me as an evil man? As for the other half of the world, they would be lining up to buy the plutonium.

A constant stream of threats and insults like that begins to wear on a guy after a while. You think it's easy trying to run an impoverished country, while at the same time trying to maintain one of the largest military forces in the world?

Well, maybe we'll just say we need plutonium for OUR space program. How'd you like those apples?

Whoops, bad choice of words. If an apple ever showed around here, it would touch off massive food riots.

2005-06-27T12:57:00.000+09:00

2005-06-18T21:06:00.000+09:00

That capitalist running pig-dog Vice President of America, Dick Cheney, had the nerve to call me "one of the world's most irresponsible leaders."

Excuse me? I'm irresponsible!?!?!?

Hey, I'm not the "world leader" who invaded the wrong freakin' country!!!!

2005-06-11T04:36:00.000+09:00

Lately there have been some nasty rumors floating around that I have started wearing platform shoes. The story implies that I am somehow insecure about my height, and am somehow afraid of being ignored when around other world leaders.

What utter nonsense!!

First of all, I am most certainly NOT afraid of being ignored. I have nukes, you know, and world leaders simply do not ignore other world leaders who have nukes.... At least not if they know what's good for them!

Secondly, while it's true that I do appear taller in recent photos, this is not because of my shoes. Not at all. It's simply that I have grown, um, in "stature" since I now have the aforementioned nukes.

2005-06-02T07:59:00.000+09:00

2005-05-30T12:01:00.000+09:00

I know people like to say that communism is dead, that Cuba, China, and North Korea will go capitalist once the present leadership dies.

Nonsense.

It is capitalism which is dead, or at least in a persistent vegetative state. People don't know it yet, but communism is making a comeback.

How else would you explain the fact that a socialist is about to be elected a United States Senator?

2005-05-26T09:48:00.000+09:00

Amnesty International has declared the prison camp at Guantanamo Bay "the gulag of our time." And for those of you youngsters unfamiliar with the term, gulags were the system of political prisons used by the Soviet Union to house those who didn't realize they were living in a workers' paradise.

And now the United States is accused of running such a place!?!?! HA!!!!!!

Too bad my daddy's old friends Stalin, Khruschev, and Brezhnev are no longer around. They would have gotten a real chuckle out of that!

2005-05-24T11:40:00.000+09:00

They say it's good for people to have a hobby. Mine is instilling fear in the rest of the world, and I like to think I'm quite good at it. It makes me feel powerful and virile.... Plus it impresses the chicks.

In my latest attempt to scare the holy crap out of everyone, I have announced that I will NOT rule out a preemptive strike if circumstances warrant. And those circumstances would include trying to take a photo of me in my underwear!

Never mind that all our equipment consists of 30 year old rusted out hand me downs from the former Soviet Union. A couple of spritzes from a can of WD-40, and they'll be good to go.

Which brings me to my next point: Can I borrow a can of WD-40?

2005-05-12T00:09:00.000+09:00

2005-05-11T10:45:00.000+09:00

I have heard it said that I'm paranoid. Well, perhaps so. But just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the whole world's not out to get you!

For example, here's a news report that says the U.S. has begun moving equipment into the Pacific region. This buildup includes more stealth bombers and fighter jets being assigned to Guam, as well as additional Aegis equipped destroyers deployed to the Sea of Japan.

I may not be entirely sure what an "Aegis equipped destroyer" is, but I think it translates into "You better hurry up and build more nukes, Kim."

2005-05-07T01:01:00.000+09:00

Everyone is acting all nervous that I may be getting ready to conduct an underground nuclear test. Oh, settle down!! What's the worst that can happen? We miscalulate the yield of the warhead and split the Earth like a giant walnut? That's absurd! We're extremely careful, and we just don't make stupid, careless mistakes around here!

GJJh6$$#dfe$56^)>HGJHlkgudiytrog#&9i69p=+=:'/.,6y5#@!_)[**_OPjHg}

Whoops, sorry about that. I spilled my bottle of gin all over the keyboard, but I took one of our secret underground tunnels over to Seoul and bought a new one. Oh, and a new keyboard as well.

We will, however, need a volunteer. This upcoming test has hit a snag because we don't actually have any wireless technology in North Korea. Consequently, someone will have to actually stand next to the bomb and push the button.

Any takers?

2005-05-02T06:15:00.000+09:00

Why is everyone so shocked by the missile we tested yesterday? It's certainly nothing new. We've tested those things before, and it's something I like to do whenever I feel an overwhelming need for attention.

Besides, this was a short range missile. We have some that can reach all the way to Uranus, and you know what that means, don't you?

Don't bend over!

2005-04-29T23:53:00.000+09:00

2005-04-24T17:27:00.000+09:00

If there's one thing I really enjoy, it's making the world pee in its pants out of fear. That's why I always enjoy making periodic announcements like this one.

Yes, it's true. We're shutting down our reactor so we can extract the plutonium that has built up in it. Of course, being environmentally conscious, I am a firm believer in recycling. That's why we're not just throwing that stuff in the trash. No sirree. We're going to recycle it.... By making more warheads!

But don't worry: We're only doing this as a purely defensive matter. If you don't actually invade us, you have nothing to fear.... Unless I decide to buy one of those new fangled high definition TV's--with the really thin screen so I can hang it on my wall. Then I would have to raise the cash by selling a couple of the warheads on Ebay.

You're disgusting. Go change into a dry pair of pants.

2005-04-20T06:11:00.000+09:00

Much to my delight, relations between Japan and China are continuing to go downhill. China has refused to reimburse Japan for damage done to its missions and other properties by rampaging mobs last week. Now Japanese lawmakers are planning to visit a shrine that allegedly glorifies their country's militaristic past.

The wonderful thing about this constant bickering between the two is that they're too busy to pressure me to give up my nukes. It's a win-win-win situation for everyone involved! Well, okay, maybe not everyone, but it is a winner for me.

And in the end, that's what counts!

2005-04-16T22:51:00.000+09:00

The latest news out of China is positively giving me goosebumps. There have been a number of very vocal protests in Chinese cities against those capitalist Japs. The problem, as I understand it is that the Japs are seeking a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council. The people of China, however, are not too thrilled at this prospect. The protestors have been chanting catchy little phrses such as "Japanese pigs get out!" as the mobs attack Tokyo's consulates in various Chinese cities, as well as businesses run by those stinkin' Japs.

The original problem stems from a new school textbook the Japanese government has approved for use in its schools. This new book, like so many others used in Japan, glosses over the atrocities committed by that country during WWII. The worst of these was probably the occupation of China and the so-called Rape of Nanking, during which almost 400,000 Chinese civilians were tortured and killed.

For some odd reason, the Chinese still hold a grudge over that little incident.

2005-04-15T01:55:00.000+09:00

I gave my number two guy the honor of announcing that we are boosting our nuclear deterrent. Some people may be surprised that I didn't make the announcement myself, but don't read too much into that. I am still firmly in control of the country. However, I'm just trying to learn to delegate better to my subordinates. It's something I read about in the bestselling book "The One Minute Despot."

The other great thing about delegating is that when things go wrong, I can always just blame the delegatee and exile him to a uranium mine.

2005-04-09T06:46:00.000+09:00

Everyone talks about great the Pope was, and how he visited 129 countries during his time, and how massive the outpouring of affection was for him after he died.

Big deal.

I don't think he was all that great. First of all, he never bothered to visit North Korea. Of course, I never gave him permission, and if he had shown up, we would have put him to work mining uranium without any protective gear. But that hardly sounds like a valid excuse for shunning us....

Besides, just wait till you see the public adoration and throngs of weeping North Koreans when I die! There will be millions upon millions of my citizens openly crying at my passing.

Seriously! It's in my will. Anyone not openly weeping and wailing in despair will be taken out and shot.

2005-04-05T10:22:00.001+09:00

WOW!!! I never realized my hair was so impressive!! You see, North Korea is so poverty stricken that we can't afford mirrors here. But now that I see what I look like, I must say I'm quite the handsome devil!

2005-03-29T09:54:00.000+09:00

I'm sure that many of you think I'm just a bit paranoid because I'm always claiming that the United States is about invade me. Well, there's an old saying here in North Korea: "You can lead a horse to water and then you butcher him because we have nothing else to eat in this godforsaken place." But there's another, more important saying as well: "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you."

For example, the Americans were recently caught telling dirty, filthy lies about me and the time I spent the night at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Whatever they said, I assure you none of it is true.

Such falsehoods are almost as scurrilous as the one they were spreading about me selling nuclear secrets to Libya. I kept saying that stuff wasn't true, but no one would listen to me! Now it turns out I was telling the truth all along!!! And believe me when I say no one more surprised by that than I was!

It seems that the Americans told other countries here in Asia that I had been selling nuke stuff to Libya. The goal was to further isolate me. Now it turns out that the Americans knew all along that wasn't true. I had actually sold the material to Pakistan, which wasn't that a big a deal since they're already a nuclear power. But then it was the Pakistanis who turned around and sold the material to Libya in violation of international accords.

Some of you may wonder why America would lie about such a thing. Well it's quite simple, really. Pakistan is an ally in that stupid War on Terror thing which is constantly causing Bush to invade the wrong countries. Consequently, it wouldn't be beneficial to the President to criticize one of his allies so he decides, hey, let's frame North Korea for this.

Now someone go fetch my horse. I'm hungry.

2005-03-28T11:29:00.000+09:00

My Korean brothers in the south are having a bit of a dispute with the Japanese over some islands. No one actually lives on these worthless pieces of rock; it's just that both countries want them.

No, it doesn't make sense to me, either.

Anyway, this may be the perfect opportunity for me to press my plan for reunification with the wayward south. I'll offer to nuke the Japanese unless they drop their claim to the islands, and in exchange, South Korea will stop its riduculous flirtation with capitalism and rejoin us here in the north.

2005-03-24T22:33:00.001+09:00

I am posting this cartoon only because I find it mildly amusing. In reality, however, I would never engage in a such a capitalist venture.

2005-03-15T22:18:00.000+09:00

I am positively giddy with delight over the recent developments between China and Taiwan. As you no doubt already, because I'm sure you all follow current events very closely rather than wasting your time with online computer games, China last week passed a "no secession" law directed against against the renegade province. Under terms of the measure, China will resort to force should the misguided leaders of Taiwan formally declare independence. And the icing on the cake was the Chinese premeir's warning to the United States to stay out of the matter.

In response, there were masssive demonstrations in Taiwan today protesting the mainland's latest threats. It's only a matter of time now until Taiwanese leaders, who were long ago seduced by the dark forces of capitalism, decide to test China's resolve. If and when that happens, war will quickly follow and hundreds of thousands will die.

I get goose bumps just thinking about it!!

2005-03-04T12:05:00.000+09:00

2005-02-24T11:06:00.000+09:00

2005-02-22T23:19:00.000+09:00

What does a madman with nukes have to do get people to believe him? Last week we came right out and said we had several nuclear warheads. Now does that sound like the type of thing I would lie about? No, of course not! I might lie about my age, or whether this is my real hair, or the size of my.... Never mind.

The point is that I would never, ever lie about nukes. I have them, period. So why do those imbeciles in South Korea continue to doubt me? I mean, are they deliberately trying to piss me off? Don't they realize I tend to get upset easily, and that I'm right across the border from them? Oh, and that I have nukes!?!?!

Maybe if I were to come down there and shove a 25 kiloton warhead up Minister of Unification Chung Dong-young's butt, people will start to believe me.

2005-02-18T08:10:00.000+09:00

2005-02-13T22:11:00.001+09:00

Did you miss me? What do you mean what do I mean? I haven't blogged in months! You people forgot all about me, didn't you? Well, you better not do that again, because I have nukes. Lots of 'em. And I'm not afraid to sell them on eBay to the highest bidder!

Yeah, all of a sudden you're ALL sorry you've been ignoring me, aren't you?

I mean, what is the deal with you people? Iran keeps denying it's developing nuclear weapons, but everyone keeps talking about them all the damn time. Then you have me, who freely admits to having several warheads sitting around--already built, assembled, and ready to go boom--and hardly anyone notices until I release another statement reminding the world that I'm still around!! Do you have any idea how frustrating that is!?!?!

Tell you what.... Give me a couple of million bushels of grain, and I'll go away for a few months.... At least until we get hungry again.

2004-09-27T07:12:00.000+09:00

2004-09-21T22:08:00.000+09:00

People sometimes say to me, "Hey, Kim! Surely you can't play with your nukes seven days a week! What do you do in your spare time?"

Well, actually, yes I can. Still, I have been toying with other weapons of mass disruption (I don't really want to kill people; I just want to f*ck with them). One of my more promising projects is manipulation of the weather. For example, at this very moment a hurricane that I have developed is marching towards the US! Perhaps you've heard of it? His name is Karl.... Karl Marx!

2004-09-18T08:16:00.000+09:00

2004-09-14T22:25:00.000+09:00

Now that I have the world's attention, may I please have some food? A couple of million metric tons of wheat would be nice.... And a hot fudge sundae.... With whipped cream.... And a cherry on top.

Oh, and some nuts for the nut would be nice, too!

Actually, that was NOT a nuclear explosion. No, we were just bored and decide to blow up a, um, mountain. Yeah, that's it! A mountain! Deliberately, of course! It's not like we accidentally dropped a missile, thereby setting off a cataclysmic explosion.

Why would we blow up a mountain, you ask. A legitimate question. We, um, are in the process of, um, building a hydro electric damn! Yeah, that's it! A damn! Right on top of a mountain!

What's odd about that? Where do you build your damns?

And some other people are getting worked up over a deep hole we've been digging. They think it may indicate preparations for an underground nuke test, although they haven't seen us laying the cables that normally accompany such things.

Well, let me first say that I think it's pretty damn rude to snapping pictures with your spy satellites. Can't we have just a few moments of privacy? You people are as bad as the paparazzi that continually hound Gwyneth Paltrow and her new baby.

Besides, who needs cables for a nuclear test? Haven't you people heard of WiFi?

Oh, and hurry up with that sundae!

2004-08-27T11:55:00.000+09:00

2004-08-22T06:04:00.000+09:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but we've been busy manufacturing nuclear warheads to sell on eBay. It's no big deal, really. The United States certainly doesn't care. Between Iraq and that election thing they do every few years, Bush isn't paying attention to us. In fact, he just announced plans to withdraw over 12,000 soldiers from South Korea! This is certainly a boost for my plans to reunify the Korean peninsula.

---------------Mike Thompson, Detroit Free Press

2004-06-20T04:19:00.000+09:00

I may not be a big believer in democracy, but this guy certainly has my vote.

---------------Scott Adams, Dilbert

2004-05-14T03:26:00.000+09:00

2004-04-30T08:27:00.000+09:00

There are some VERY nasty rumors going around about me and my hair. Specifically, some imperialist running dogs are suggesting that I am, er, going bald. They point to a recent photo of me hugging the President of China.

Nothing could be further from the truth. That particular phot was just taken from a bad angle. Plus, I just finished a very long train ride and was still somewhat disheveled from the trip. So unless you're prepared to swear that YOUR hair doesn't look funny in the mornings, I would suggest you keep your petty gossip to yourself.

Not only am I as manly and virile as ever, I have nukes! Several of them, in fact. So don't be pissing me off.

2004-04-27T06:07:00.000+09:00

Many people seem surprised by our request for outside help in dealing with the recent rail disaster. Well, they shouldn't be. I am big enough to admit that we can't handle it on our own. After all, I must do what is best for my beloved citizens.

Besides, while those United Nations people are off digging through rubble in a fruitless search for survivors, my army will be going through their personal supplies looking for food.

2004-04-26T03:31:00.000+09:00

As it turns out, less than 200 people died in that explosion.

Guess that means we'll need even more food sent to us.

2004-04-23T02:32:00.000+09:00

I would just like to assure all my supporters throughout the world that while thousands of people may have died, I'm perfectly fine. And really, that's what matters.

2004-04-20T21:33:00.000+09:00

I'm in China to blackmail.... Er, I mean "hold talks" with various nations who are seeking to take away my precious little nukes.

I'm also hoping to pick up several million metric tons of food from the Chinese. My only complaint about their food is that no matter how much they give us, an hour later we're starving to death again.

2004-04-08T09:49:00.000+09:00

Anyone with any remaining doubts that capitalism is in its death throes needs to read this article.

I'm sure many of you have heard about how American companies are sending their jobs overseas, where company owners can exploit workers for much less money. And If that's not bad enough, the American workers are being told that they're losing their jobs, then they're being asked to train their replacements!!!

2004-04-02T00:18:00.000+09:00

Sometimes a lot can be lost in translation, and misunderstandings may easily result. This is a perfect example of what I mean.

2004-03-26T13:21:00.000+09:00

China's foreign minister, Li Zhaoxing, just finished up a meeting with me. He told the world that he came here to discuss "nuclear proliferation," moving towards peace, and stupid crap like that. But he's really just saying that so that China can become a respected member of the international community.

But what he really came here for was the hookers.

We've got the best in Asia.

2004-03-18T03:53:00.000+09:00

South Korea's President Roh has been impeached and removed from office. His subjects are not very happy about this turn of events and are protesting the move.

Such turmoil in my capitalist controlled neighbor is making me excited!! I may have to personally go over there--with a couple of million of my troops, of course--and personally restore order.

2004-03-12T13:05:00.000+09:00

My original foray into American politics was, well, less than successful. I'm referring, of course, to my run for Governor of California last year. Quite frankly, once Arnold Whatshisname entered the race, I knew there was no sense in my staying in. After all, I don't want people to think I'm crazy!

However, I can not stand by casually on the sidelines during this far more important Presidential campaign. I, and my fellow America haters throughout the remaining communist world, other oppressed nations, and the greater metropolitan San Francisco/Berkeley areas realize that George W. Bush must be defeated.

That is why I am formally endorsing John Kerry for President. I urge all of you Jane Fonda and Michael Moore wannabes to vote Democratic this fall.

Yes, I stole the above photo from Little Tiny Lies. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you take it up with the United Nations.

And tell 'em to send us another million metric tons of grain--we're starving over here!

2004-03-07T06:09:00.000+09:00

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and those misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!

HA!!

Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais with the sunroofs and air conditioning. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

2004-03-03T11:43:00.000+09:00

I am very disappointed in Jean-Bertrand Aristide. Granted, he started off with the backing of the United States, but to his credit, he did fix the Parliamentary elections a few years ago. That's a big plus, in my book.

But when his people started protesting, he just sat there. Why didn't he institute a bloody crackdown? Oh, wait, now I remember: He had disbanded his army!! What a moron!! How can you be a dictator without a frikkin' army to back you up!!

That's exactly why the International Brotherhood of Bloodthirsty Despots (IBBD) rejected his membership application a few months ago.

Still, this revolt he was facing had potential. If Aristide had remained in power, many more people would have died as the rebels fought to capture Port-au-Prince. Of course, Aristide would have ultimately been captured and killed, of course, but at least it would have been fun to watch the battle!

So what's the poor sap doing now? He's in exile, claiming the United States kidnapped him!! What cajones!

I can't help but admire that kind of ingratitude.

----------Gary Varvel, Indianapolis Star

2004-02-28T12:25:00.000+09:00

Well, this is certainly terrible news. That raving lunatic imperialist President Bush has decided to reverse the United States' previous policy on land mines. Instead of discontinuing their use, their military will continue to deploy them.

As it stands now, there are land mines all along the border of my country and our misguided, capitalist controlled puppets to our South. They think they're better than us because they have their little handheld camera phones and fancy electric powered light bulbs!!

HA!!

Laugh it up while you can, in your little Hyundais. What are you going to do when millions of my valiant soldiers come pouring across the DMZ and head straight for Seoul? Throw cellphones at us? Yeah, that'll cause us to retreat.

On the other hand, if Bush doesn't get rid of those landmines, it will make it much harder to get across the border in one piece.

Hardly seems fair.

2004-02-26T14:46:00.000+09:00

Anonymous readers (and I can't imagine why they don't want to be publicly associated with me) have recently notified me of two wonderful pieces of news.

First, Parade Magazine--a highly respected weekly news publication often confused with advertising inserts--has once again named me the world's best dictator!!! I was at the top of their list last year, too, even beating out Saddam. Of course, he is no longer on this year's top ten.

What a loser!

And secondly, we North Koreans have been named Americans' least favorite foreign nationality in a recent Gallup poll. What a wild, unexpected coincidence!

I can't stand North Koreans either!!!

2004-02-24T03:15:00.000+09:00

Though I have been a long time of HBO's Sex in the City, I was horribly disappointed in the series finale. Quite frankly, I was hoping for a climactic group lesbian sex scene involving Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.

However, I can certainly understand why Carrie left Aleksandr and went back to Mr. Big. Russians have been well known for their tiny penises ever since Mikhail Gorbachev allowed the Soviet Union to collapse on his watch.

We North Koreans, on the other hand, are famous for our "trouser dragons of doom."

And stand back when they start spewing fire!

2004-02-22T14:08:00.000+09:00

Now I know I have a reputation for being somewhat "wacky," or "eccentric," or "a complete and utter loon." The particulars vary depending on who you talk to, but you get the idea. And if it's of any comfort to you, it turns out I'm NOT the craziest person in North Korea!!!

There's a book called The Third World War which lays out a frightening scenario for Armageddon. And it all starts right here with little ol' me!! Now normally such talk would make me feel warm and fuzzy all over, except for one little detail: In the book a General of mine seizes power and accuses moi of appeasement. Missiles are exchanged, Japan gets drawn into the conflict, Pakistan and India blow one another up, and things get REALLY ugly from there.

So I guess the Americans better be careful when they talk about forcing a "regime change" in North Korea: The person who takes over from me might actually be even more of a wacko!

Remember: Not all regime changes will go as smoothly as the one in Iraq.

2004-02-20T04:22:00.000+09:00

People sometimes ask me, "Mr. Kim, you are such a busy despot, with many demands on your time. How do you relax?"

Well, whenever I'm feeling I little harried, I like to go hang out at the Demilitarized Zone.

2004-02-16T23:43:00.000+09:00

WHOA!!! I am really partied out. In case you missed it, which is an offense punishable by death, today was my 62nd birthday. And my people showed their love and devotion for me by holding parades and ceremonies throughout this glorious land!!! Many people gave me lots of wonderful gifts, including a Sony Play Station, which I plan to hook up just as soon as we get the electricity up and running again.

But my favorite gift came from my top generals, who really know how to suck up to a tyrant: A fresh batch of kidnapped Japanese women!!! I'm so happy I could just burst!!

Well, if anyone needs me, I'll be giving Little Kim a BIG workout, if you catch my drift! I just hope I remember to come up for air this time....

2004-02-15T04:52:00.000+09:00

2004-02-14T13:53:00.000+09:00

Happy Valentine's Day!

Did you get the bouquet of nukes I sent you?

2004-02-12T23:54:00.000+09:00

Pakistan's Pervez Musharaff is such a little slut....

All this time I thought he and his chief weapons scientist, Abdul Qadeer Khan, were sharing their nuke secrets with only me, and me alone. Meaning only me. Meaning no one else. Meaning exclusively me.

I honestly thought we had something special between us. Why, I often had them over to my 57 room cottage in Big Long Dong where we would share hookers!! And let me tell you, seeing the President of Pakistan hanging from a chandelier while wearing nothing but a leather thong and fishnet stockings is something I hope I never see again!

Granted, I made them pay their share for the women, but that's only because my country is so impoverished.

So imagine my shock and horror when I learned they were also sharing their secrets with Libya, Iran, and Syria!!! Needless to say, I feel like the sanctity of our relationship has been horribly betrayed!!

If you can't trust a fellow despot, who can you trust?

2004-02-06T12:57:00.001+09:00

For some odd reason, a group of Cubans tried to flee Fidel's workers' paradise.... In a 1959 Buick. That's right: They took a 45 year old buick, made it watertight, and took to the sea with it. Needless to say, they were intercepted by a US Coast Guard cutter and will soon be returned to Cuba.

What a bunch of idiots!!!

Any fool will tell you that to outrun a Coast Guard cutter, you need a 1956 Ford Thunderbird.

2004-02-01T06:03:00.000+09:00

The United States has signaled its retreat from Seoul. They of course claim it's part of a "realignment" of forces, but the real reason is that they're scared of me.

I suppose that means I'm free to invade the city. Do they have any Korean restaurants there? I'm sure they must, and I'm eager to try them out. I've never actually had any traditional Korean food, since, well, we're starving to death over here.

But first I need to figure out what to wear.

2004-01-30T00:59:00.000+09:00

Apparently the Great Revolution to overthrow the oppressive imperialist west has begun!! I just checked my inbox, and I have 17,543 new emails!!!! And many of them have attachments, probably containing important information on how to build even more nukes!! No doubt they are all from my loyal followers eager to share in the joys of living in absolute poverty while eating raw poultry products because you can't afford fuel to build a fire.

Of course, given my slow connection speeds, it will tke me a while to go through them all.