There are some VERY nasty rumors going around about me and my hair. Specifically, some imperialist running dogs are suggesting that I am, er, going bald. They point to a recent photo of me hugging the President of China.

Nothing could be further from the truth. That particular phot was just taken from a bad angle. Plus, I just finished a very long train ride and was still somewhat disheveled from the trip. So unless you're prepared to swear that YOUR hair doesn't look funny in the mornings, I would suggest you keep your petty gossip to yourself.

Not only am I as manly and virile as ever, I have nukes! Several of them, in fact. So don't be pissing me off.

Many people seem surprised by our request for outside help in dealing with the recent rail disaster. Well, they shouldn't be. I am big enough to admit that we can't handle it on our own. After all, I must do what is best for my beloved citizens.

Besides, while those United Nations people are off digging through rubble in a fruitless search for survivors, my army will be going through their personal supplies looking for food.

As it turns out, less than 200 people died in that explosion.

Guess that means we'll need even more food sent to us.

I would just like to assure all my supporters throughout the world that while thousands of people may have died, I'm perfectly fine. And really, that's what matters.

I'm in China to blackmail.... Er, I mean "hold talks" with various nations who are seeking to take away my precious little nukes.

I'm also hoping to pick up several million metric tons of food from the Chinese. My only complaint about their food is that no matter how much they give us, an hour later we're starving to death again.

Anyone with any remaining doubts that capitalism is in its death throes needs to read this article.

I'm sure many of you have heard about how American companies are sending their jobs overseas, where company owners can exploit workers for much less money. And If that's not bad enough, the American workers are being told that they're losing their jobs, then they're being asked to train their replacements!!!

Sometimes a lot can be lost in translation, and misunderstandings may easily result. This is a perfect example of what I mean.